I Did Not Forget

I fully intended to post my weight yesterday and update my goal. I remembered when I was an hour away from home. Christmas shopping, a family dinner, and other hectic things got in the way :) But, I am here now to post my restarting weight. It is 155.54 lbs. Up about nine or so pounds from my lowest weight. It kinda sucks. I am tired, so I am going to bed, and will post more later. I really feel great about where I am and where I am heading :)

Bye for now,

So, Here's The Deal......

I really, really want to eat.  A lot.
A lot of stuff, I mean.
Ugh!!!
It is terrible. 
This feeling I get sometimes that I am helpless?  Or that I'm a passenger. 
Just watching out the window. 
See the train wreck? :) 
Anyway, it is getting old.
I have done a remarkable amount of backsliding in a really short amount of time.
I feel like JUNK!!! Seriously!
Really, really terrible. I have been eating the worst things, awful stuff.
The worst part is that I do not even enjoy this junk anymore yet I am still eating, eating, eating... 
I am going to weigh myself tomorrow and post my weight here.
No matter how scary it is :)
I am going to weigh myself every day and I am going to start posting it again weekly until I reach my goal.
I am going to get serious. Seriously! :)
I will be back tomorrow with my weight and some new goals to get me started again.
Today I was thinking about this journey and how ready I am to be at my goal. 
I was going to plan my resolution and give the New Year a great start. 
And then I thought - Why wait? 
Why not just start right now. 
So I am. 

'Til tomorrow,

My Belt Is Not My Friend

My pants are uncomfortably tight and my belt is not my friend :( 
This is not going to be a problem.
It is a wake up call. A reminder. A friendly kick in the butt :)
Get moving! Now!
Get.
Moving.  
Now.
Do not wait, do not let it slide any more, pay attention! 
So I am.
I am paying attention. 
I see what is happening.  I see how I am letting all of my old bad habits and behaviours slide in, take over. 
I am slipping back to before.  Correction, I was slipping.  Now?  Now I am paying attention :)
I read over some of my posts from last year and I am going to keep doing it.  I need to take a refresher course. 
I am full of thoughts and plans and excitement. 
I am planning on posting more often and getting back to the basics. 
Back to what works for me. 
This is it for right now. 
My pants are tight, I don't like how it feels, and there you have it....blog post!!!  :)
But, seriously, I want to remember how it feels to backslide.  Even a little bit.  It feels really crappy!!!
Pretty darn crappy, indeed!
So, enough of that :)

Bye for now,

GRRRRR!!!

I am thinking of shutting my blog down, or making it private, or taking some other drastic action right now.  So, I will probably give it some time, cool off, and then decide what to do.  The day after my last post I went to sign in to my blog and was told that Google had shut me down because they didn't believe I was older than 13.  They said I had changed my birthday (I didn't), so I am a little concerned that someone else may have had access to my account.   It has taken me all this time to get the situation straightened out.  There have been a couple of other issues, mainly a spammy comment situation that had me worried, and right now I am not feeling too confident about this blogging thing :)  Anyway, I just wanted to post about where I, and my blog, have been.  It was really upsetting to think that all of the posts I had written and all of my tracking was gone.  On another note I have been keeping track of my weight and I am maintaining.  I am pretty sure I will be back but for right now....grrrrrr!!! :)

Bye for now,

I Was Scared

Hello :)
In my last post I mentioned that I was going to weigh myself on Tuesday and that I was going to start my weekly weigh-ins again until I reach my goal.
I wasn't lying, I had every intention of weighing myself on Tuesday. 
But then Tuesday came and I was.......scared!!!   I was scared to step on that stupid thing and post my weight here again and it felt like a big. huge. deal. 
Silly me :)  Sometimes that side of me still takes over, I guess know. 
So, because I really do want to get moving again I just stepped on the scale this morning.  For some reason just doing that one little thing makes me feel more powerful. 
When I do not weigh in it is because I am worried, nervous, doubtful, anxious, scared, etc., etc., etc. 
So just the act of stepping on the scale is like taking back some of the control. 
Whether the number is a good one - you know what I mean :) - or a bad one, I have faced it and I am not just wondering.  For me it is always a step forward.
So, needless to say, I am happy I did it. 
Now I feel like I am aware, and I have a new start, and I am ready to move again! 
I am up about 2 lbs. from my absolute lowest (my crazy head had me convinced it was more like 15 lbs.) 
My official weight this morning is 148.52 lbs. 
Tuesday I will post my weight on my chart and I am not letting my fear stop me.
You know if this journey wasn't so consuming and frustrating it would really be quite fascinating.  I am figuring out so much about myself and I am actually amazed sometimes with the things I learn. 
Anyway, that's it for today :)

Bye for now,

Here I Go Again!!!

Hello :)
In the last month I have started many posts and not finished them.  I guess I have writer's block :)
I have been figuring some stuff out and maintaining my weight (with a little self-sabotage here and there). 
I really feel like I know myself like I never have before. I am really aware now. This makes some days hard, because I know that I am the main cause of my difficulties. But, in general every day is getting better and I am realizing more and more that I was in control all along.
I do have power and I am ready to get going again!!! 
I have realized that on the days I struggle it is usually because I am making things harder than they have to be.  If I stick to the basics and do simple things it all flows smoothly and I move along.  When I try to make huge changes and shake things up, or if I am hard on myself, I don't move at all. 
I am going to start reading back over some of my earlier post and begin again with the basics :)  I'll put my money where my mouth is and take some of my own advice!  It got me this far! 
I have a feeling that I am 'struggling' now because once I have gotten to my goal - then what?!?!?! 
I have to reassess my goals, come up with some new ones and get this bus moving again. 
I am more than ready to get going.
So far the plan is to start back up with my weekly weigh-ins.  I think it is time.  I will stick with Tuesdays, why not?  So next Tuesday will be weigh in day and I will keep it up until I reach my goal.
If I come up with any more plans I will keep you posted but for now it is going to be to keep it simple, be a great friend to myself, and just do it.

Bye for now,

Progress Pics - 50 lbs. Lost!!! :)

Hi again :)

I kept meaning to put progress pics up when I lost 40 lbs. and I never ended up doing it. 
I am not skipping it this time!  I have officially lost 50 lbs!!!  I am so excited! 
I have made it almost 75% of the way to my goal and as of this morning I only need to lose 18.94 lbs. to get there. 
WOW!!! 
It almost seems unbelievable to me. 

Anyway here are some pics:

 My daughter says I am making a weird face in this one, she's right :)

I am feeling really great! 

Kind of all brand new, and I like it :)  

I know that I am doing this and I know that I am going to be at my goal soon.  

It feels really nice.

So Excited!!!

I am really excited right now!
I have had a pretty long and difficult summer and I am still working through some stuff.  Hard stuff! But I am doing really well with my weight loss, and that is amazing!
In the old days when I was in any sort of emotional discomfort my weight would reflect that - and not in a good way! 
I have been feeling pretty low for the last few months and I am still sticking to my goals.  I still mess up, but in general I have stuck to it.  This is huge!!!
And it is paying off!
Last night I got into my wedding dress, and zipped it up!  I was shocked! 
That has been a goal of mine ever since I started gaining this weight, and I did it!
Then I weighed myself this morning and finally, finally, the Wii said my weight was NORMAL!!!
I have been waiting for this day since I first stepped on that balance board and was told that I was obese.  I did it!!!
I know that I haven't been blogging a lot and I know that I have been stumbling, I almost didn't post this because I hate it to seem like I only write when I am happy with my weight.
But I am excited and happy and I like the feeling. 
I am going to keep it going!
I really do want to dig into some of the crap that I was dealing with this summer and I do want to write a post about depression, but today I am excited.
So this is it :)

Bye for now,

My Picture NSV :)

Hi :) Wow, it has been a while since I've posted.
I have so many things going on right now but I am basically just living. As boring as that sounds :)
I do have a big post swirling around in my head. I want to share some of my thoughts on depression and let you know what I've been up to. I also want to update my weight and get this bus moving again :)
But not today! Today I just want to share a really important, to me, NSV.
My husband and I celebrated our twelfth wedding anniversary this weekend. On Saturday my daughter took our picture and it is the first picture I have liked of us, well of me really, since our wedding day.
That was a pretty big deal. It feels really nice :)
I am officially at fifty pounds lost now.  So I am going to take a picture and update. 
I am ready to get moving again :) 
I thought I would share my NSV pic with you guys, I didn't ask my husband if he minded, so don't tell him ;)

Have a great day!

Taking Out The Garbage

I am so glad I finally sat down and blogged the other day.
I know that my post was moody and depressing and rambly, but it helped me to get it down.
I keep reading it over and it is a lot of stuff that I didn't even know I was feeling.
In my head I was getting frustrated and feeling overwhelmed. I was over analyzing, and going around in circles, and basically just making things harder for myself. Sometimes I do that ;)
I needed to take out the garbage and start fresh.
Nothing is ever as hard as I make it seem in my head. Not even close. Plus, am I really thinking of quitting? No!!! Not even a little.
Things are confusing right now, and I feel like I am on fast forward sometimes, but I know that I am heading in the right direction for me.
Change is good, I know this :) I read this quote today on facebook and it seemed really fitting right now:

"Change - It has the power to uplift, to heal, to stimulate, surprise, open new doors, bring fresh experience and create excitement in life. Certainly it is worth the risk." 
~ Leo Buscaglia

I know this.  I know that it is worth it, and I am going to keep moving forward :)

Happy Friday everyone :)

Choices, Changes And Other Scary Things :)

I feel like I don't know who I am sometimes.
I feel scared.
I am really tired of it.

My moods are all over the place and it is so frustrating. 
On good days I am positive and moving forward and I feel like I can face anything because I am heading in the right direction.  I know that I am strong and capable.  I am doing it.  I am making it easy for myself and I am feeling great! 
On bad days...not so much.

I feel like I am under a microscope, I am over analyzing  everything. 
I have learned a lot about myself and why I behave the way I do.  So, when I am in a bad place and being really self destructive, I am aware enough now that I can see myself doing it.  You would think that that would make it easier, right?  I can see myself eating because someone hurt my feelings, or because I am pissed off (more likely lately) or I can see myself picking a fight with my husband and I know what is going on, so I stop, right?  Ummmmmm - NO!!!!  Not me.  I keep right on being self destructive and I continue the cycle. 

I have made so many changes. 
A lot of them are easy to see :) 
But most of them are not.  Most of them are inside of me. 
I feel like I have to work on my inside stuff and the outside stuff will work itself out accordingly ;) 

Because of all these changes I find myself looking around sometimes and wondering who's life this is.
Can it really be mine? 
I can hardly explain it, but the Cara I was a year ago liked to hide.  It seems that my whole life has been engineered so that I could hide away from the world.  The weight, the fact that I chose to stay at home after I had my kids, the fact that I let all of my friends drift away over the years.  I turned my home into a very quiet hiding place, now it seems like a really comfortable cage. 

I am not that girl.  I am not! 

I don't want to hide, I don't want to be alone all the time.  I don't even like t.v. anymore!  I don't even know that girl.  I tried to explain to my husband that it would be like letting someone else pick out your whole life and then you just move into it.  It sounds mean though.  I sound ungrateful and, I am worried, crazy! 
How can I feel like this?  I am the same person, aren't I? 
Sometimes I feel so confused that I have no words and I am quiet. 

As I write this out I hear how weird it sounds, but I am also starting to figure it out.  When I typed the words 'I am not that girl'  it sort of clicked.
I keep feeling like I have a choice right now. 
I can go back to the way things were and back to that girl who fits into this life comfortably or I can keep moving on and adjust my life accordingly. 
Pretty obvious, now that it's out there like that :) 

Either way I chose it is going to be a struggle. 
To go back would be horrible.  To feel that way again.  So miserable, so alone, so sad.  But it would have it's perks too.  All I can eat, really!  I know it works for me, it must have.  I can slide back in so easily, I know how it all goes. 
To keep moving on, though.  That will be hard and scary for different reasons, but still hard and scary.  For starters, I do not like change.  Even good changes freak me out a bit. 
I am new at this confidence thing, it takes confidence to change and grow and move forward. 
What if my husband and I grow apart as I change? 

I know that this is really sounding ridiculous, it is to me now :) 
But these are all of the things that are swirling around in my brain. 
Obviously I do have a choice, but I probably don't have to make it the big thing that I have been.  It is a decision that I have to keep making everyday and over time, just as always, things will start to work their way to where they are supposed to be. 

So, anyway...that was a bit of a rambler, huh? 
I am a little embarrassed to post this one, but I am gonna keep it real :) 
I think I may have a pretty good handle on what is going on now, anyways. 
So that is good!
 
I hope your days are sunny and a lot less complicated than I make mine :)
Bye for now,
 

Am I Struggling?

I was thinking about this earlier.
I have been eating a bit more junk food than usual lately.  I feel a little tighter in the waist area.  It is that time of the month, but I am pretty sure that junk food is the culprit.
So anyway, I was standing in the kitchen just now, and I was wondering - 'Am I struggling?'
I have been having this thought a lot over the last week or so.  It pops into my head and out again just as quickly.  Just an annoying little blip.  Something to be easily quieted with a cookie...or three.
But just now, when that question popped into my head, I stopped.  I thought.  And I had a flash of what 'struggling' feels like.  The 'accidental' overeating, the guilt, the shame, the anger, the stomach aches ;) 
Did I really want that?  Do I really want that?
Do I prefer feeling that way?
Ummmmmmmm......NO!!!
If I choose to struggle, then I am choosing those consequences.  I choose to feel awful.
Over the last week or so, when I would wonder if I was struggling, I would recall the three cookies I ate earlier, or the extra snack, or whatever and I would think - "Yes, I am struggling", and so I did.  That question started the cycle each time.  It was kind of like I was giving myself permission to fail.
I don't know what caused all of this to flash into my head just now.  I am just glad that it did.  I am glad that I stopped and really thought about it.
Am I struggling?
Of course not!
I am choosing to not struggle.
I so much prefer to not struggle.  I feel better.  I feel fabulous.  I feel more confident, I sleep better, I am so much happier, plus - I lose weight!!!
So, of course, I am not struggling.  Just in case you were wondering ;)
Is it that easy?
I really think it can be!

Bye for now,

Feeling Fabulous!!!

I have not been posting very much at all lately, but I refuse to feel bad about it :) Because, I am feeling really fabulous!
I am maintaining right now, but I am so happy with where my head is.

I am having a lot of fun playing with clothes and putting new outfits together. This has really been helping to keep me on track. Who knew clothes could be so fun and motivating?!? I am eating really well and I am squeezing exercise in wherever I can. Doing lots of fun and active family stuff!
Things are going really well and I am happy. So, how can I feel bad about not blogging?

Right now I am just focusing on family and working around the house. I am on a mission to de-clutter. Not just the places that are seen (the way I usually do) I mean I have been attacking the clutter everywhere. In every. single. closet. It feels really good. I am letting go of a lot of stuff. I am feeling free and happy and pretty confident.

I am not going to try and figure out how to maintain this feeling (like last time).  I am just going to enjoy it, and go with it, and see where it leads me.

I guess I did have a little post in my head :)
I keep thinking that I don't really have much to write.

Anyway I haven't fallen off the face of the earth.
I am not doing really badly and hiding it (like in the past)
I am just happy, and busy, and moving along.

I hope to get writing more, but I am not going to make any guarantees or time limits.
I know how that ends up and I will not go there.

I am making good choices and just enjoying life.
It feels really good :)

Happy Tuesday!
(Oh, and that means it is weigh in day!  I will have to update my chart a.s.a.p. but nothing really exciting is happening in that particular area - happily maintaining for the time being)

Bye for now,

Weird!

I know I have a post in this head somewhere and I am going to type until it comes out :)

I have been noticing a huge difference in the way people treat me lately. Does this happen to you too? I feel like everyone around me is treating me differently. Some people seem to think I am some sort of 'Diet Guru' or something, and they want to know my "secret". I hate this! Not because I don't want to be helpful, but because it seems like no matter what I say it is always the opposite of helpful.

If I start talking about positive thinking and visualizing I can seriously see their eyes glazing over. I am sure I sound like a crazy person and the conversation is almost always uncomfortable.

I have had people tell me that I look really good, but kind of in an accusatory way. If that makes sense. Some try to explain to me why it is harder for them to do it, almost like I am judging them - which I would never do! I still feel the same inside, but I am treated SO differently. It is a little surreal.

I am sure everyone that is losing weight deals with this, but it is not at all like I expected it to be. I thought that everyone around me would be happy for me and supportive, and a lot are. But some people seem to be really uncomfortable around me now. It makes me feel bad sometimes.

It just occurred to me that the old Cara would use this as an excuse to quit. Something like "hey, you are drawing attention to yourself", or "you are making people uncomfortable, you should stop". I will not! But I wish that I was better at dealing with these changes. It seems like right now my body is changing faster than my mind or something.

I still have self esteem issues, shocking I know :) I feel like the fat girl and everyone is treating me like I am someone else, it is hard to wrap my head around. I usually feel like I am stumbling along, and making it up as I go and suddenly I am treated like I have all the answers. Weird!

Well, that's it for now I guess. I almost feel like I am being mean or something if I post this. But it is where I am at right now, so it is getting posted.

Happy Saturday :)

Weigh-In Day

Hello.
I am here on weigh in day, it's like a miracle or something :)
I updated my weekly weight chart and my weight today is 161.48 lbs.
I am ready to go!
My weight has gone up and down a bit in the last month.  I let stress consume me and than I, in turn, consumed too much :)  That's something I do sometimes still I guess. Yuck!!! But good to know.
Anyway, I wanted to get a post done today before I hop into bed. I am so tired. It is a good tired though :)
It has nothing to do with stress or drama and everything to do with physical activity. Yay!!! :) It feels good.
I'll be back soon!

Bye for now,

Hello Again :)

I am very glad to be back here.
I have been dealing with a lot of stuff around here and I have been stressed and worried and I have not focused on my health or this journey at all, really. I am ready to change that!

My last post mentioned that we had a sick family member, it was my Mother In Law, and I am very sad to post that she passed away on May 3rd. She was amazing and I will miss her every day. She was like a second mother and a really great friend to me. The person I would call to talk about anything. I really love her. So, I have been sad, and mopey, and all kinds of depressing lately. But I am ready to stop that.

I have so many things to say, but nothing is coming out properly, so I will leave it there for now. I plan to be all updated and ready to go for Weigh-In Day on Tuesday. My weight today is 160.82 lbs. I am working out 30 min./day on the Wii. I am ready to get moving again :)

Bye for now,

Hello :)

I am not sure when I will post again, so I wanted to drop in a do a quick one now. I am doing okay, I am just sad. A family member, an extremely special and very much loved family member, is terribly sick right now. It is hard and it is sad and it is really all I can bring myself to think about right now. Everything else seems so very unimportant, so much less urgent.
Happy Friday :) Hugs to all my bloggy friends!

Bye for now,

Weigh-In Day

I got my Wii problem sorted out, so I have updated my weight chart.
I was really surprised with my weight this morning. I am down to 161.26 lbs. Which means somehow in the last week I lost 4.18 lbs! Huh? I do not even know how that makes sense, but that is what happened.
I have noticed lately that no matter how bad I think I am doing, I am actually not really gaining anything. I am pretty good at maintaining now. That makes me happy, because I think it means that I am learning how to eat properly. Well I am not going to over analyze it....much ;)
I am sure when I get back into the swing of exercising regularly again the scale will slow down, but that's okay. I am not so worried about the numbers anymore. I know that I am moving in the right direction.
For me the hard part is working through my junk and convincing myself to just do it! Once I decide it seems so easy. That's it for now.
Happy Tuesday :)
Oh, and I guess that means I better take my 40 lb. progress pic now! I will get it done a.s.a.p. this time - for reals!!! :)

Bye for now,

Chaos, Drama, And My Default Mode

I think my default mode is set to 'self-destruct' :)
Seriously!
Things will be going fine, fantastic even and then (seemingly out of nowhere) chaos and drama erupt. I used to always wonder "Why do these things happen to me?" or "What did I do to deserve this?".
Now I know that these things aren't 'just happening', I am making them happen. I can actually watch the whole process unfold, if I take the time to pay attention.
It is crazy, really!
Why?
The only conclusion I can come up with is that I am still not 100% convinced that I deserve happiness.
It is like I hit my peak happiness level then I stop and freak out a little and go into self destruct mode. When I say peak happiness level - or PHL from now on :) I mean the amount of happiness I feel like I should be allowed (depending on how hard I worked for it) or the amount that I deserve.
I was not aware that I was doing this until recently. A few weeks ago things were going so well.  Everything was fabulous!  Everything!!!  Then I started to think things like 'Why are things going so well?' and 'how can I maintain this'.  And, seriously, it's like I just started to dismantle my own happiness.
Weirdness!
I over analyzed, I questioned and I took a whole bunch of steps backwards.
I think I am a little afraid to move on or something.
I feel like I am at a really huge turning point right now.
I feel like a whole different person and I am sort of having trouble getting my head around all of these changes.
Everyone is noticing that I have lost weight now. It seems like in the last month every person I see tells me how fantastic I look. That is definitely a great thing, but it also usually makes me freak out. In the past it is usually enough to make me gain weight. Not anymore!  I have stopped doing that at least :) I am aware of it now, and I think I know what it is all about.
I think that maybe I am just not used to feeling so good and my self destructive side is saying 'Hey, what's going on here? Why are you happy and smiling all the time? That's not right! That's not normal!' and I pull back and....well, chaos and drama enter the picture.
I am glad I can see it happening now. I am glad that I am not playing the victim anymore, but I am really wondering if my self destructive tendencies will ever be gone.
I don't think so!
I thought in the beginning that this journey was going to be about food, but it really isn't. It is about me deciding that I love myself enough to choose happiness, to choose good things.
Consistently!
I need to keep choosing happiness until that is my default setting and I need to learn to accept the good and stop questioning it.
Of course I deserve to be happy. I deserved to be happy all along. I am just not 100% comfortable claiming it yet, I suppose.
So the plan is: blog, blog and blog some more :) It seems to be what works.
I think it is pretty obvious that I have a lot of turmoil going on inside, because my thoughts are all fighting to be set free and I can't entirely keep up with them. Hopefully as I let them out they will start to be more sensible, but for now I will just write.
I am feeling really good right now, I will just start with baby steps again and work this through.
Anyway, that's all for now.  Thank goodness, right :)  That was a long one!  Hopefully some of it made sense :)  Even if it didn't I feel better, so that is good.

Bye for now,


P.S. I am going to have to update my weight chart when my husband gets home. I am having trouble with the Wii, but I didn't forget :)  If he can get it figured out I will have it all up to date for tomorrows weigh in!

No More 'Spinning Tires', I'm Ready To 'Kick Up Some Mud'!!!

A while ago someone asked me if people from my 'real life' read my blog and if it influenced my writing. My answer was no. As far as I am aware nobody that I actually know reads my blog.  And I didn't think it would influence my writing if they did.

But I was wrong!

I am still not sure if anyone I 'know' reads, but I now know that my writing is influenced by my readers.

It has to be!

Because if I wasn't influenced by what my readers may think I would be posting a lot more. I would post more of the struggle, the way I did in the beginning.
The way I intended to post all along.  I would journal this whole journey - good and bad -  and I would let it all out.

I started this blog for me. I used it to sort out my feelings and issues where food is concerned and I used it to learn more about myself and grow. I left it open for others to read and I even mention it to people in my life. But I never really cared if anyone read or not.
I figured if they did that was good and fine, but ultimately this was for me.

Now I feel like I am being a downer if I post my garbage.  I feel like I should only post certain things.
This is a problem!

I am either going to do this or I am not. I obviously have to do it the way that works for me, so I have to continue this journey the way I started it.
I think that I must have been using this as an excuse for a while now.  Something like "Don't post this, nobody wants to read this", so instead I remain silent and (shockingly) I am not making any progress.

I need to get back to basics.  I need to get back to what works for me! 
It really occurred to me the other day that I can either have excuses or I can have results.  I am so tired of the excuses!

I am working through a lot of things right now and I need to write them out.  I am feeling a bit uncentered and out of control.  Like I don't know where to head next, and I want to work these things through.
I am tired of sitting here with my tires spinning!  So, I guess, I am going to kick up some mud and get myself out of this rut! :)

I do want to say that I love all of my readers and supporters and I have been more inspired by you guys than you will ever know.  So please understand, if I get depressing or moody, I am not doing it to bring anyone down.  I am doing it to work it through and get it out.  I feel like this is what works for me, and I am ready to move on now.

Oh, and if anyone stuck through this post 'til the end, thanks :)  I am sure it was a bit rambly and incoherent, but that's where I'm at right now I guess :)

I will be back tomorrow to update my weekly weigh in chart and start fresh.  Weigh-in Day is Tuesday and I am so ready to start year two of this journey!

Bye for now,

Two Week Challenge - Day 4

Hello :) 
I am back to report that I did finish day three!  I got my workout in for today already too!  So that means day three and four of my challenge are complete. 
It feels good to be moving again, even if it is just a little.  I think it is the feeling of taking charge that is so nice.  I am not floating along, letting things happen.  I am actively moving towards my goals!  I am sure that is why working out feels so good. 
It is funny to realize, as I go along, how much of this journey is in my head.  I work all of my junk out and then I move forward.  I am really finding this whole process pretty fascinating. 
That's it for today.  Thank you for the nice comments on my progress pics yesterday :)  It is really nice to feel the support from fellow bloggers! 
My one year Anniversary (of when I started losing) is coming up on the 13th.  I am hoping to make it to 40 lbs. lost by then.  I am pretty sure I will be there any time now, so I will make it a goal to get there and have my progress pic posted by my anniversary!
Hope your weekend is awesome!!!

Bye for now,

Progress Pic - 30 Pounds Lost (Finally Posted)

Good Morning :)
Thankfully it is a good morning here.  I think we are almost through with the flu, or whatever it was.  Both kids are feeling much better today, YAY!!! 
I finally got my thirty pound progress pic onto here so I figured I would put it up today.  I better, I am sure forty will be pretty soon now :) 
I am feeling good and I am glad to be getting on with my challenge, I will post back later today when I am really done day three :)  Promise! 
I realized some exciting things this morning.  I have lost 6.2 points on my b.m.i. and I only need to go down 2.9 more to be at a 'normal' weight.  It seems like I was just getting excited because I was out of the obese category, and now I feel like I am so close to the normal weight range. 
So exciting!  So surreal actually :)  I can hardly believe it. 
Anyway here is my progress pic:

When I was putting it on the computer last night my husband said, "You already look so much different than you did then"  I think I believe him.  I am a little excited to put up my next pic because I am finally seeing a change. 
Well that's it for now, I'll be back later to fill you in on my challenge progress!

Bye for now,

Two Week Challenge Day Three and Four - Redo Please :)

Whew! I have had the craziest couple of days. I logged off yesterday, ready to go and complete day three of my challenge, and then - CHAOS!!! Well it has seemed like it anyway. It started with my son falling in a box (yes, I said a box). Then my daughter threw up all over the living room floor, and it has been a roller coaster of fevers, vomiting, crankiness, worrying, and a doctor visit ever since. Yes, I know this is my 'No Excuse Challenge', and those were a lot of excuses, but I did not work out. I am just going to start day three again tomorrow and not freak out though.  I am a little cranky right now, actually a lot if I am honest, and I just want to go to bed.  I will probably read this tomorrow and realize that I wasn't coherent at all, but hey - I said I would post, so here I am :)  I could make a big deal out of this, like I used to, and give up or I can move on and just keep going.  I'll take choice number two.  So tomorrow I will post my day three, really :)  Thankfully both of my babies are feeling a little better right now.  My daughter is taking a little longer, but I am sure she will be much better tomorrow (fingers crossed)  I really hate when they get sick, I don't handle it too well :)  Well that's it for tonight.


Bye for now,

Two Week Challenge

Hello :)  Here are the details for my personal Two Week Challenge.  It is pretty simple.  I am committing to at least 30 minutes of Wii Fit Plus each day or I can do my 30 Day Shred DVD.  I will use my weights every other day and do at least 30 crunches per day. I am back to drinking only tea or water, I just like it better, and my food intake is pretty under control.  I am really excited to be half way to my goal weight and I want to keep the momentum going!  So for now I need to focus on exercise. For me starting is always the problem, so I find if I challenge myself and just get moving it all seems to flow from there.  My last challenge was a little stricter, but this time I just needed to get moving.  So far so good :)  I am on day three.  I haven't completed my workout yet, but yesterday and Monday I did about 45 minutes on the Wii.  So that's it!  Simple, just something to get me moving again.  Small steps work great!  I have been thinking about running though - YIKES!!!  Did I actually type that?  Anyway I am off to enjoy the day.  Yay the sun is shining :)  I'll be back tomorrow to post my progress.  Oh, that is part of it too, I will post each day of the challenge.


Bye for now,

Weigh-In Day/Half Way To Goal!!!

Hello! 
I am back on a Tuesday again, so it would seem that I am getting my junk together :) 
Yay! 
This morning's weigh in was quite a surprise for me.  You may have noticed that I have been struggling.  I have been really making this harder than it has to be, I am good at that ;) 
Anyway, because of the struggle - and the fact that I have had to keep stopping myself from overeating, I figured this would be a pretty scary week.  According to the scale anyway. 
But no, I guess I am finally pulling ahead a bit. 
My weigh in this morning was 166.76 lbs, so I have lost 1.98 lbs this week.   
Plus, I didn't realize this until I updated my ticker just now, I AM OFFICIALLY OVER HALF WAY TO MY GOAL!!!!!!!  Wooooo Hooooo!!! 
Sorry about the yelling ;)  I just got a little excited. 
So, for future reference:  "Cara, no matter how badly you are doing, no matter how much junk you have given into and no matter how much you want to give up - DON'T!!!  It is never too late to stop and choose better.  You had to do it over and over and over again the last couple of weeks, and it was hard, but it was doable.  You did it!  Keep doing it!  Oh and you are Awesome :)"
I never before thought I could stop myself in the middle of one of these downward spirals, but I did.  A lesson learned!  That is a good thing.
I started my own two week challenge yesterday.  I haven't posted it yet and usually that would be a good excuse not to start, but I am going to do it backwards this time :)  I did a really great workout, and it felt fabulous!  I will be back to post the details, today is day two. 

Gotta go for now, bye!

Weigh-In Day

Hello!  Today is Tuesday, and here I am again!  Two weeks in a row, wow :)  My weigh in this morning was less fantastic than I had hoped for, but I knew it was going to be a gain, so I am not surprised.  I am at 168.74 lbs.  It's not the number that I am worried about.  It is the fact that I can still get so caught up in my self destructive behaviours.  It is frustrating sometimes.  You may have noticed from my last post that I was feeling a bit frustrated :)  It doesn't happen too often any more, thankfully!  But when it does, it is awful.  I am feeling really good right now and I am ready to move forward.  I will be posting about my personal challenge soon.  I am feeling stuck and I am not going to settle for it.  I can sit here and wait until I feel motivated or I can move now!  Anyway that is all for now.  I'll be back soon to post about my challenge :)

Bye for now,

STOP!!!

I am having trouble right now.
I am annoyed just writing those words and I am so not in the mood to even talk about it.  I am angry!  Seriously, just completely tired of this merry go round.  I hate it!  A lot!
So, you may wonder why I am writing then.  I am writing because it crossed my mind earlier that I could just skip my weigh in on Tuesday, and nobody would even know.  It wouldn't really matter.  Anyone reading my blog will only know what I tell them, right?  One time.  I can skip it one time and it will be okay.
And when I realized what I was thinking it scared me. Thankfully, I am writing.  Because that little voice is really sneaky and she almost had me convinced, but I am not lying to myself anymore.  I am not a liar, so the fact that I was considering it said a lot to me.  It made me stop!  That girl inside me, the fat one, the scared one?  She is pretty desperate right now.  And she should be!  Because she is losing.
I am going to post this and I am going to hold myself accountable.  I made bad decisions this week.  Really, really bad ones!  I almost threw in the towel.
But here is what I did differently.
I stopped!
I am taking a breather, and I am really thinking about what I plan to do.  I can eat and I can be the victim and I can lie to everyone or I can stop and choose better.  That's it!
I do not want to post this.  It is a mess, and I know my weigh in on Tuesday will probably be a train wreck, but I am stopping now.  I am not going to journey around that 'crazy circle' again! :)  I will be honest and own up and move on.
I will not give this negativity any more power.
I am learning something here :)
I don't need the lesson repeated.
I will do this!

Bye for now,

I Am The Boss, So There, Cookie :P

Okay. Hello :) I am writing because I would rather be eating! No biggie really, except that it is. I was doing amazing!  Super-fantastically amazing!!!  Up until my high calorie Sunday. 
You may remember me mentioning it here. 
Usually if I do this it helps me to get a jump on losing weight again.  Kind of like a kick start or something, plus I get to eat, so of course I like it ;)  It always works for me.  The trick is not letting my high calorie day turn into a high calorie month! 
I am eating more than I should be.  It is way less than I used to eat, and I am still not going crazy, but it feels like a problem so I don't want to let it get out of hand. 
I am noticing patterns that keep popping up.  I usually like to trip myself up when I am doing too well :)  That's how I roll! 
Well, enough is enough!  I no longer accept this!  Tonight I have eaten some crappy stuff and I have done the whole 'argue with myself, lose said argument, eat something crappy routine' a few times.  I am sure you've been here.  Anyway, just now I was thinking, as I have done many (many, many, many) times in the past, "you already screwed up, you may as well just go with it!". 
Then I stopped! 
I am calling a halt. 
I do not accept this! 
This is no longer me.  I matter more than this, and I won't be sucked back in again.  I will not let a cookie - or whatever, be the boss of me :)  I am kind of tired of coming down this road over and over again.  Maybe I should take the road less traveled :)  There is a lesson I need to learn here, though, obviously. 
Maybe this is it.  I just know that I am really happy that I was able to stop.  I will say that this is a victory.  I can stop, I know this now.  I know that just because it feels like I am out of control - it doesn't mean that I am! 
I am the boss, so there, cookie :P
 *Note to self - write, write, write and write some more.  It helps!!!

Bye for now,

Hey, It Really Is Tuesday :)

And here I am. Believe me, I am shocked too :) Anyway I am here and I weighed!  My weigh-in wasn't exciting at all, I am maintaining.  I had a high calorie day on Sunday and I am back into working out.  That usually gives me a quick weight loss, maybe next week will be batter (scale-wise).  But I am just glad that I am finally getting it together and posting! 
I had company over the weekend.  I mentioned that I want to start stepping out of my comfort zone, and I did!!!  I initiated the get-together!  You probably don't think that is a big deal.  But for me it is.  I usually wait for people to contact me, I wouldn't want to bother anyone (ugh!).  But, I just did it!  I am starting to realize that people like me!  When I am just being myself, I am a lot of fun :) 
Plus, a nice thing happened while they were here.  They really noticed how much weight I have lost!  People haven't really said anything (aside from my mom and my sister's), and I was really okay with it.  I figured it was maybe awkward for someone to say 'hey, you look smaller' or something.  Plus, I can really tell a the difference, so it didn't really matter what anyone else said or didn't say.  I didn't think it would be a big deal if anyone did notice, but it was nice :) 
Anyway that's it for now.  I am thinking that I will be doing my very own workout challenge again.  It worked really well for me last time.  I seem to do fine if I challenge myself, I am still not so good at challenging others.  I am not sure if it bothers me so much now.  So, I am going to figure out my plan and post it later. 
I have been noticing some amazing changes in my body lately and I want to add more exercise in.  I miss it! Weird, huh? - LOL!

Bye for now,

Today Is Tuesday....

It really is :)  You only think it is Thursday!  And of course you are wrong, because I am not late posting my weight again.  So, today is Tuesday!  But seriously, I did weigh myself on Tuesday - so that is good at least.  Now I just have to remember to post it first thing or else I forget.  My weight on Tuesday, ahem, I mean today ;) is 167.64 lbs.  That is a loss of .88 lbs this week.  I'll take it!  At this rate I am going to be at forty pounds lost before I get my thirty pound progress pics up.  Okay, we aren't going there :)  I still have to print those pics out and scan them on to my computer.  You may remember how my computer and my camera hate each other nowadays? :)  If not I talked about it here.  I am such a procrastinator, or maybe just a forgetter :)  I even took my camera cards with me yesterday and still didn't remember to stop.  Anyway that is it for today.

Bye for now,

It Feels Like A Hug!

I was thinking, recently, about how hard it is sometimes to actually feel all of these things I am going through.  You know, working through it all instead of hiding from it?  But then I stopped and thought it through.  Is it really harder?  It may sound harder to actually deal with my baggage.  To work through it step by step.  But it feels kind of like a hug!  Before when things got uncomfortable, I turned away from them.  I pushed them down, mainly with food.  I didn't let them out.  I held everything in and I created a feeling of shame.  Unnecessary!  I remember a time from my childhood.  I was around 13 or 15 and I was dealing with a very difficult situation.  I was scared and confused.  I asked someone very important to talk with me.  I asked for help and she said "Cara, just drop it!".  I think I have been doing this ever since, dropping it!  I think I learned pretty early that if something is difficult or scary you just ignore it.  I ignored so many things that it got to be a job, it was work trying to hide from all that uncomfortable stuff.  I created a monster out of it.  A monster that would lurk in the silence, waiting to pounce if ever I was idle.  Hiding from that guy is hard work, all consuming!  Now what I am doing.  Actually working through it all.  That feels like a hug!  Really!  Because it is like saying to that girl inside of me.  "I want to hear you, you are important.  You are loved!  Your feelings matter!"  I am a good friend :)

Bye for now,

I Didn't Weigh Myself Tuesday...

because I was scared.  I haven't been really exercising.  Hardly at all.  I have been doing really well with my eating, but in the last few days I could have done better.  I honestly haven't been doing the best I can and I expected the scale to show that.  SO... I didn't weigh.  I really worry too much!  I make a huge deal out of things and they aren't ever as bad as I expect them to be.  How annoying!  I am definitely over that crappy bad habit.  It is one I plan on kicking right away.  It is definitely not doing me any favours.  I will weigh every Tuesday from now on.  No matter what!  No Excuses!!!  When I don't stick to this I slide off track.  So, since I know this, and I really am not a dummy :)  I will stick with my Tuesday weigh ins!  But for this weigh in Thursday will have to do.  My weight this morning was 168.52 lbs.  Which means I finally broke through the 35 lb lost mark!  Yay!!!  Now on to forty.  No time for stopping, no time to over think or analyze right now, lets just do this already!  So glad to be heading in the right direction :)

Happy Thursday,

Just A Drama Queen!

I hear birds chirping outside my window right now, and that makes me so happy :) Spring is coming!!! I can feel it.  Yay! 
I am writing because I feel the need.  Who knows what I want to say, I know that there is a lot of stuff going on inside me right now.  I am working through the usual garbage, but I seem to have a block.  I know that when I work my way around it, or over it, or through it that I will feel better.  I just need to work it through.  Soooo here I sit, writing. 
My thoughts are frustrated and disjointed, I hate this feeling.  It is like I am a little disconnected, or something.  I am feeling a little agitated. 
I wonder if maybe the problem is, that there is no problem?  Does that even make any sense?  Things are going really well, when I let them.  I am eating properly-ish ;)  I think I am at the point in the journey where I have to make some serious decisions.  Do I really want to lose any more weight?  Obviously, right?  But what I mean is, do I really want it?  I want to be healthy, I love how great I feel as I lose the weight.  I love that I feel more whole.  I am accepting things about me that I didn't even like to recognize before.  I Love me - I have come a very long way. 
So I am thinking that maybe the problem is this:  I don't have one!  I don't have the urgent need to lose weight now, I know that I am the only thing holding me back.  This journey is only as hard as I choose to make it.  So when the urgency is gone and the excitement, how do I keep going?  Could that be it.  I am just a drama queen at heart and I need the distractions?  Hmmmmm - very possibly. 
I decided when I started this journey that I was going to keep on going "No Matter What!".  Soooooo I won't be quitting, at all, but I am wondering if I am creating a problem because I am used to the turmoil.  Sneaky, sneaky :)  If anyone has made it this far through my jumbled thoughts - What do you think?  It makes sense to me.  I plan to keep writing it out until it all makes sense.  So if you enjoy crazy ramblings and lots (and lots, and lots) of over-analyzing stay tuned!

Bye for now,

Is This A NSV? I Think So, and I Like It :)

I have been having a really hard time finding the words I want to use lately.  I sit down to blog, but nothing comes.  I have a lot of thoughts running through my head and I have a lot of stuff going on , I just can't seem to organize my thoughts into a post.  Things are going well.  I stumbled a bit in my efforts, but I am getting really good at picking myself up and moving forward again.  I am in a pretty good place, food-wise, and I am getting back into the swing of exercising - slowly, but surely :)  I think that it may help to get back into the habit of sitting down and writing.  Just writing whatever comes and letting it all flow.  It will probably be a lot of rambling, but maybe it will help to just let my thoughts loose.  I feel like they are all jumbled and messy right now.  I guess I need to start opening those boxes again ;)  Last night I realized something pretty huge.  I was looking in the mirror and I realized that I liked what I saw!!!  That is huge!  Huger than huge! :)  I don't even have the words to describe what a big deal this is for me.  I realized that for a while now I have been liking what I see, liking who I see.  It may be hard to understand, but before this I really cannot tell you when the last time I liked the reflection in the mirror.  I don't even remember - it has been so long.  I am liking all of me (inside and out) and it feels good.  I am stumbling, I am messing up, I am going slower than I wanted to and I still like me.  This realization is so big, that I feel like I could cry.  It amazes me that I keep thinking I am not doing good enough, and I have had this huge breakthrough.  I almost missed it!  I need to start recognizing how far I really have come.  I started this journey with a number in mind, and I am not there yet - but I have gained something much more valuable.  Love!  It feels so good.  I still want it all :)  The number, the feeling, all of it, but for now - this is amazing!  More than I really ever hoped for.  I didn't even know to hope for it, because I didn't know it was missing before, does that make sense? - See I told you there would be rambling ;)  I am going to get back to basics.  More affirmations, more gratitude, more writing!!!  I am so close to 35 lbs lost I can taste it, 0.1 lbs to go.  I am almost half way to my goal.  I am down to 169.18 lbs as of yesterday!  Half way will be at 167.03 lbs.  I am going to post now, I've run out of steam.

Bye for now,

Weigh-In Day

I am, late as usual, with this post. But better late then never, so here it is :) I did weigh myself on Tuesday and I am down to 171.16 lbs. I will be in the 60's soon - Oh my goodness!!! I am super-seriously excited. I know I am probably putting too much importance on the numbers, but I can't seem to really believe that the scale is still moving down. I just had to get rid of a pair of pants that I wore over six years ago, because they are too big! It feels really good. I feel really good. I plan to exercise more, and I really do plan to post more, but right now I am just happy and doing really well. What more could I want? I am charging batteries for the camera right now and will take my thirty pound loss update pic tonight (finally!!!). I will post it a.s.a.p. I am so glad the weekend is finally here. Hope yours is fabulous :)


Happy Friday,

I'm Making Things Easy For Myself Now

I was searching the net for some "positive affirmations for weight loss" and I decided to check the first site on the list.  I did this mainly because I want to distract myself from the plate of homemade shortbread in the kitchen.  Mmmmmmmmm!!!  Love It! 
Sorry :)  I got a little sidetracked there ;)   
Anyway, I was saying that I clicked on the first site on the list, and I was going to say that I am glad I did.  Two of the affirmations on this list really stuck out to me. 
The first one was: Losing weight is effortless. 
And the second one was: I'm making things easy for myself now. 
Both of these statements really grabbed my attention.  I know that losing weight is effortless.  I have proven it to myself time and again.  What could be easier than losing weight?  You don't have to really do anything to lose weight.  You just have to not do some things ;)  I mean, sure, exercise is important and it will make you feel better.  But mostly you just have to not eat all the cookies, doughnuts, muffins, chips, crackers, etc., etc., etc. 
Losing weight is effortless, it's the job of convincing myself to do it that is hard.
I swear, all of the work I do is internal.  Continuous arguments back and forth.  Except, instead of having an angel and a devil on my shoulders I have fat me and thin me.  Both clever, both indefatigable, both driving me crazy :) 
Which brings me to the next affirmation that is sticking with me: I'm making things easy for myself now.   
This is how it works, for me at least.  I work through my inner turmoil - enter fatty and skinny :), I convince myself to just do it, then I do it, really!!!, usually for a while, ...and the cycle continues. 
But, for today, I am convinced!  I am going to step away from the struggle, for today, and I am going to just do it already!!!  Today I am definitely making things easy for myself.  Yay :)

Here's the whole list of affirmations if you are interested:
I'm on the road to fitness.
I am feeling thinner today.
I'm losing weight now.
I look and feel lighter today.
I'm enjoying how I'm feeling now.
I love the feeling of making progress.
I love the food that makes me thin.
Losing weight is effortless.
I am going to fit into the next size smaller any minute.
I enjoy being healthy.
I'm making things easy for myself now.
My body is getting stronger, slimmer, and healthier every day.
I feel so thin inside, my outer is just about to catch up.

Hope you are having an easy day too,

Weigh-In Day

Hi, just a quick post to say I am maintaining - boring, I know :) I want to get back into posting more, but I guess not today. So I will be back soon-ish to update my weekly weigh-in chart, etc. I am doing really well though, so that is good!

Bye for now,

Weigh-In Day

Hello :) Today is weigh in day and, shockingly, I am here writing my post. My weight this morning is 172.48 lbs. That means I have lost 4.18 lbs this week. I know not to expect this normally, but it was still a nice surprise. Just like Sarah said in a comment to one of my posts "It is amazing how your body can thank you for eating right". Anyway that is it for now. I have a pretty busy day ahead of me and I better get moving. I will be back soon though. I am really happy to be back on track and I plan to keep it going.

Bye for now,

Here's The Story...(part 1)

I really don't know where to start. So I will just write.
I want to put down into words how badly I was doing.  I am definitely using the past tense, because I am over it.  But, if I want to learn from the bad I need to acknowledge it, right? 
I was doing really bad.  I was eating enough to seriously worry me and it was pretty much all junk.  Ugh!  I was eating so much that it hurt and I could feel my body telling me to stop. 
I was stuck.  Deep in self-destructive behaviours. 
I felt overwhelmed and out of control and like I wasn't even the same person. 
I think the scariest part for me was that it (seemingly) came out of nowhere.  It's like I was walking along, doing great, and then I fell in a hole.  Seriously!!!  It was so sudden.  No transition at all.  Scary!  Looking back now I can put my finger on some of the things that were happening and I am sure these things were the beginning of my fall.  But, really, at the time it seemed like I had no control over the things I was doing. 
I don't want to go there again! 
I am glad for this experience though, strange as that may sound.  It showed me a lot of things.  I have really learned from this last misstep and I can't be upset about that. 
One thing that really hit home was the way I felt.  I was eating a lot of sugar, and I felt irritable and headache-y, and really just-plain-miserable.  The reason I say that this hit home is because I realized that I used to feel that way all the time.  Thirty pounds ago this was the way I felt on a day to day basis. 
I thought it was normal!
I didn't even know I was miserable. 
It's funny because as I am writing this I am beginning to tear up.  I feel like I was given the best gift of all for Christmas and it was the gift of perspective. 
I am no longer willing to accept bad things.  I am no longer willing to accept that my body feels weak or worn out or crappy.  I don't have to! 
I am no longer willing to be a slave to sugar.  I didn't even know I was. 
How many times was I cranky and snappish to the people I love because I was being brought down by food, by sugar?!?! 
If I didn't make this misstep I wouldn't know so well that I really am what I eat.  I am so glad that I was able to make this mistake really.  It was scary and it was dark and I seriously thought I may not be able to pull myself out.  But I did!!!  And I think that it was probably the biggest learning experience I have had so far on this journey. 
I have so much more to say, but I think this will be a good start.  I'll be back with more soon.  I really want to dig into those things that I think brought me down and get it all out but that's all for now...

Happy to be back on track,

Weekly Weigh In (Updated)

Hi :)  Happy New Year!!!  I am still here.  Just doing a lousy job at keeping my blog updated.  Which means, as I am sure you know, that I have not been doing so well.  But that is all for another post, because right now I just want to update all of my weekly weigh-ins that I didn't enter before.  I got the info off my Wii, so the list is officially updated.  Now I will be moving forward.  I have a bunch to tell you about.  So I plan to be back soon and post it.  I started a new challenge, I learned a thing or two about sugar...there are definitely some posts coming.  I am feeling back on track and I am not taking it for granted this time.

Dec.   7 - 177.98 lbs.
Dec. 14 - 178.64 lbs.
Dec. 21 - 174.02 lbs.
Dec. 28 - 175.56 lbs.
Jan.    4 - 176.66 lbs.

Jan.    6 - 174.02 lbs. - And today's weight just because I wanted to make a note of how quickly things change when I start taking care of myself and cutting out all of the junk and the sugary or salty things.  It seems crazy that my weight can change that much in such a short time.  Does this happen to everyone?

Well, anyway, I am all updated and ready to get moving again - happy to be moving on!

Bye for now,