Loving The Journey

I am feeling fabulous! It is such a great feeling.  So I have been looking at what makes me feel this way. Strangely, it is not the number on the scale.  When I feel really great, it is because I am doing things that I love.
I have been struggling a bit lately and as I was looking back over my posts and reviewing my habits I realized something.  I am happiest and, consequently, lose the most weight, when I fill my days up with things that make me joyful. 
It turns into a cycle of good.  A cycle I definitely want to keep going.
I have been digging into my emotional crap a lot.  And I think that is good.  I believe it is necessary.  But I keep getting so caught up in the work of it that I forget to just be.
This week I have been doing things I love.  I have been reading books that inspire me, I have been listening to my positive thinking c.d., I have been drawing.  And yes, I have been exercising, and enjoying it!!!
I used to fill myself up with food and waste my time on mind numbing activities.  Now as I find myself waking up and stepping away from the food it seems like I have all of this extra space or time to fill up.
I have been taking away so much of my old life and at times I have felt a little scared and started to struggle.  It finally hit me.  Fill up the space with good.  With joy.  With all of the things you love.  Live like you deserve to be happy.  Take the time to do what you love.  Even if it is "silly" or "non-productive". 
I mean, seriously, when I draw what I create doesn't even usually make sense to me.  It may look crazy to others, or seem like a waste of time - but it makes me happy!!!
I think a lot of the time I feel like I deserve to be punished for what I have allowed myself to become.  I am making the journey harder than it has to be.  When I struggle, it seems like that is how it should be and I accept it. 
But what if I don't accept that? 
What if I decide that instead of feeling deprived I want to feel fulfilled? 
That is how I am feeling this week, and guess what - food doesn't feel like such a big deal this week.  Coincidence?  I think not!  I have decided to see what I can fill myself up with, if not food.
I feel fabulous!
I am excited about where I am going, sure.  But today I am loving the journey.  Isn't that exciting?  I am not going to block this feeling off anymore, I feel alive with energy and creativity.
Note to self: Keep it up :)




P.S. I am joining in on Lucy's Blog Hop again this week. I always find a lot of great blogs when I do :)

Gettin' Sexy

Katie at Finding The Thin Within is hosting a 'Gettin' Sexy Challenge' for October.  I have decided to join in on this one.  It is pretty simple, all you have to do is commit to doing something that makes you feel better about yourself for the month of October.  I have decided that I want to commit to listening to my positive thinking c.d. every day.  It is such a simple thing, but I never keep up with it and it always makes me feel great.  So that's it.  You can check out the details for the challenge here:
 

Weigh-In Day + 4.18 lbs

My weight this morning was 188.32 lbs. Which means I have gained 4.18 lbs this week.  That kinda stinks, huh?  I am not going to make excuses or rationalize.  We all know what happened, right?  What I am going to do is make a plan.  And actually stick to it.  I am glad to be working through a lot of my issues, but I want to keep focused on my weight loss efforts as well.

Bye for now,

Forgiveness and Weight Loss

I cannot let go of the past. Actually scratch that. I choose not to let go of the past.  I have done a lot of digging around inside of me. I have made a lot of progress. And I thought that I had moved on. By moved on I mean that I have accepted that what is in my past is done and over with, and that I know it only has as much power over me as I choose to give it.
I have moved on, for the most part. But there are still a few issues that I haven't gotten through or over yet.
I have some anger.
Who doesn't?
But I am tired of carrying it around with me. It is taking away too much of my energy. Energy that would be better spent on positive things, like achieving my goals.
I want to put it down, let it go, and walk away from it. Quickly :)
Most of my anger is directed at two people. One of those people is me and the other one is my mother. I am not even sure if the reasons for my anger are important. I know what it's all about.
I have made some progress.
I know that my mom did the best she could at the time. I also know that just because she didn't love me the way I wanted her to it doesn't mean she didn't love me. I get it. Well, the logical, rational part of me gets it. The emotional, irrational, angry part of me is still acting out like a child and being a sad little girl about it.
For the last little while I have been struggling a bit.
You may have noticed.  
Anyway, as I have been struggling along one word keeps popping up in my mind: forgive!
I have worked through forgiving in the past and it is definitely worth it. It has helped me to move forward and it has released a huge burden from me. I thought I was done, but for some reason I struggle with forgiving my mother and I struggle with forgiving myself.
I have been looking through some of my books and on the internet about this topic and I found a really good article about it here. In this article they give you some steps that can help you through the process.
I am definitely going to get started on this. I feel like it is time. I am ready to forgive and I am ready to move on.
I am sure this is the next step on my journey and I am excited to get this process going. It is like I can actually feel the physical weight of this burden that I am carrying around. I can almost taste the freedom that letting go brings with it.
It doesn't seem like a coincidence to me that I am stalled in my weight loss efforts right now.
This is a key, and I plan to use it. So for a little while I will be working this through and posting about the process.
That's it for today, I think it's a good start. 
If you have any ideas feel free to comment, I appreciate the help.

Bye for now,

Weigh-In Day...

was yesterday, I know :)  I am here today, though, and I am posting my weight, even though I would rather ignore it.  But since I am no longer doing 'my little ostrich act' I am going to post it, deal with it, and move on.  My weight was up to 184.14 lbs.  So I gained .88 lbs last week.  As I type this I am aware that it is such a small number to freak out over.  It's actually pretty silly, I know.  But I am also aware that it isn't the number that freaks me out, it is what I do in my head.  The way I can twist any little setback around and turn it into a huge failure.  How I can turn me into a huge failure.  On the bright side, I am onto that sneaky little sabotager and her tricks are losing their effectiveness.  I see it happening.  I am going to spend more time reading my affirmations, I find it very helpful.  I am also going to just keep going on with the knowledge that I can, and will do this.  I am doing this.  So, anyway, moving on....

Freaking Out!!!

So, I am freaking out a little.  It happens.  Not so much lately, but still sometimes.  I hate it.  The freaking out.  I hate the way I feel right now.  I am all stressed out because tomorrow is weigh in day and I am up a tiny bit.  I watched myself messing up.  It was all Cara-approved screwing up.  I seriously watched myself do it.  So why freak out?  I know this sounds rambly, cause hey - freaking out here!!!  I think I should probably delete this post and ignore the crap swirling around in my head right now, but I figured I would start writing and see what comes up.  When I am not doing so great and my date with the scale is getting closer I sabotage myself.  I guess I have this all or nothing attitude.  Kind of like "hey I already screwed this up, let's see how bad I can make it." - argh!  I am starting to get really tired of it.  Really.  Really.  Tired.  I guess that means I have an issue, huh?  Well duh!  But how do I move past it?  I am really taking a look at my actions, lately.  Not strictly food related stuff, just all of my 'life stuff'.  I can see how I react to things and lately I have been able to stop and observe my emotions before I react.  It has been a huge eye opener.  Kind of like I am not on automatic pilot anymore.  Like I am waking up.  I like it, but still this crappy self-sabotage.  So frustrating!  I think that maybe I want to have a problem.  Who am I if I am not the fat girl?  If I am not invisible anymore?  If I can't hide behind my weight?  Right now I am so tired of all of my excuses.  Like, once again two parts of me are fighting it out.  Sensible, ready-to-be-the-best-possible-me, Cara is tired of waiting around for needy, whiny, always-has to-be-rescued, Cara to get her act together.  Tired of holding her hand and dragging her through all of this crap.  I seriously just want to kick her ass already!  Holy cow, I sound like I have a split personality.  Don't worry, I promise, I am not going to lose it or anything.  I think the anger may be okay.  It feels like I am just having a huge shift happening inside of me right now.  Is it just me?  If anyone is still reading at this point they probably think I am nuts.  I am feeling a bit better now though.  Writing is so helpful.  I guess I just needed to get that out.  Well I am going to head to bed and get a good nights sleep.  I will post my weight tomorrow and move forward.  I am really tired of sitting where I am, spinning my tires.  Something is going to change.  Not sure what yet, but I will figure it out.  On with the journey.  I think the freaking out portion of this post is over :)  Sooooooooooo....

Bye for now,

Sounds Like A Plan

I am doing really well with my exercise plan and that makes me happy. But, I know that I could definitely be doing better with my eating. It isn't really that I have been doing horribly, I am just feeling a bit out of control.  At the end of the day I'm like "Okay, what did I eat today?".  So I am going to get back into journaling. Every. Single. Thing. I. Eat. Seriously!!! I do not know why I continue to make this journey harder than it has to be. Oh wait, yes I do ;) I like to sabotage myself. You may remember, but if not I talked about it here, here, and here too :)  Well in an effort to make this journey as easy as possible I am going to use the tools that I know will work.  And keeping a food journal absolutely works.  I have started today and I already feel better.  I hate the out of control feeling, so I will get rid of it.  Easy, right Cara?  So just do it already :)  I am also planning on attacking that Evil Sugar Monster that is lurking inside of me.  I am not going to do anything drastic like give up sweets forever.  I applaud everyone who has done it, but at this point I just don't want to.  I figure if I am not giving it up forever, than why even bother?  I am just going to cut waaaaaaay back.  I did it before, so I know it can be done.  I started with my drinks last time.  Nothing but water or tea.  I didn't think I could manage when I began, but then it got to the point that I liked it.  My head was clearer, no more headaches, what's not to like?  Plus that is something I can definitely keep up.  I didn't even miss the other, sugary beverages.  After a while, anyway. So step one is keep up my food journal and step two is get drinking, water that is ;)  Two small steps, but I can already feel the momentum building.

Bye for now,

Guess What...

I had a pair of jeans on yesterday and I realized something. First of all they are bigger. All of them are getting baggy now. Yay me!!! But then I noticed that they were comfortable. That is unheard of!!! Or at least it has been in my world (aka Caraland), for a looooong time. I used to wear my jeans out and then, as soon as I was home, put on my p.j.'s comfy pants. Last night I realized I still had my jeans on and I wasn't even aware of it. Now that is progress ;) I seriously did a happy dance, my husband enjoyed that a lot! LOL! I have been doing really great with my workouts, btw. Haven't missed one yet, and it feels really good. That's it for today - just a short, silly post. Happy Friday!

Bye for now,


P.S. I am counting my happy dance as part of my workout today :)

Progress Pic :)

Hi again :)

I am just doing a quick post to put up my progress picture for my first 20 lbs lost. It is crappy quality. I am sure I mentioned before that my computer and camera are no longer on speaking terms? Well, anyway, that means I have to print, then scan, then post. Which means for now I have crappy quality. I cannot notice a difference in my pics. But, oh well! I am posting it anyway:)

Before:



20 lbs lost:


Bye for now,



P.S. I am joining the Fat to Fit Blog Hop again. It is hosted by Lucy @ Diminishing Lucy and I found a lot of other really great blogs last time I linked up :)

Weigh-In Day

So, it is Tuesday again, and that means weigh in day, as usual. I am not at all surprised to post that I haven't seen a change this week. At all. I am at exactly the same weight as last week. 183.26 lbs.
You may be surprised that I am not unhappy about this though. I feel good. I feel like I am getting my act together. I feel like I am really doing this. I am reclaiming myself. This is the most weight I have ever lost. Usually I get down to 13-15 lbs. lost and then gain it all back as soon as someone comments on the change.
It used to freak me out when people noticed. I wanted to be invisible, I guess. Now I just want to be me. It doesn't matter what other people say, I am on my way. I am doing this for me. I am so happy that I am not creeping upwards on the scale. But even it that happens, I will work it out.
It just feels like it is my time. I am going to do this. No. Matter. What. I know it. So if the scale is stuck at this number for a while, who cares??? I feel good and I am moving ahead, even if the numbers aren't moving this week. When I have lost all of this weight, I expect to keep it off. So I am taking the time to learn, and grow.
Well that was definitely a lot of typing to say something as simple as 'maintain' :) Oh well! I am feeling good today. I have decided that when I am down another 5 lbs. - well 25 lbs. total lost - that my husband and I are going on a bowling date. Cheesy? Yes! But it will be fun.
I just calculated my B.M.I. and I need to lose like 0.56 lbs. to be considered overweight. That is exciting!!! No longer obese! Wow!!! I can't wait :)
Anyway that's it for now. I did my 1/2 hour on the Wii and 30 crunches.

Bye for now,

Working Out

Hi!

Just a quick post today to say that I worked out this morning. It feels so good to be back at it again. I have been keeping active everyday. Taking walks - at least one a day, playing outside with the kids, just moving, which has been really good. But an actual workout was so nice. Weird huh? I never thought I would say those words. This morning was the first day of my No Excuse Workout Plan. I did my 1/2 hour on the Wii, then my weights and then 30 crunches. I am sure I will still get out for a walk today, my son (17 mos.) will just keep bringing my shoes to me until we get out there :) Hope your Monday is fabulous!

Bye for now,

Finding Balance

In the spirit of being honest, I have to admit to something.
I have not been exercising!
At all!
Since I finished my personal challenge about 3 weeks ago. Yikes!!! I know.
I was taking some time to "be kind to myself" and "working on my emotional junk". I talked about it here a little. Anyway that was a great idea. I really did, and do need to work on being kinder to myself and dealing with emotional stuff - but not at the expense of everything else!!! So that is where balance comes in.
I have been working so much on the internal stuff that my healthy eating, and exercising have gotten pushed aside. I haven't been doing horribly. I did fine with my eating and I was active everyday, but not on plan at all.
I am really starting to feel a difference in my body because of this. Things are loosening up and even though I have lost weight I am pretty sure it is muscle.
So I obviously need to work on finding balance. I need to keep to a routine at all times, on good days and bad days. I have learned that exercise makes me feel 100 times better. Balance is not going to come when I quit working on one aspect of myself to face another. It will come as I learn to manage juggling all aspects.
If I do not do this I will just continue to go in circles. Since, as we already know, I have a tendency to be self-destructive, that is what I usually do. I can keep going back and forth, losing track of one area and beating myself up for it and then starting the whole cycle all over again. This is self-defeating, so I am putting a stop to it!!!
I am going to implement a new No Excuse Workout Routine. This is what I will stick to no matter what. That way I am on plan even when I am dealing with other junk.
So, it is fairly simple, and leaves room for other activities, but I think that just establishing a routine will stop the cycle. It is going to be 1/2 hour on the Wii Fit 5 days/week and weights on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, Minimum!
I will start taking better notice of my food intake, but I haven't got a "plan" yet. I think this is a huge step. It should definitely help with the balancing act!
If you have any suggestions, please feel free to comment. I really appreciate the help.

Bye for now,

Tag :)

Hi :)

Sarah at My F.A.B. Challenge tagged me in a questions game! It looks fun so I will play along :)

Here are her questions and, of course, my answers:

1. If you had 3 wishes, what would one of them be?
I always wish for my family to be happy, no matter what. So I guess that one was easy to answer :)

2. What is your ultimate goal, at this point and time?
My ultimate goal right now is to be the best version of me that I can possibly be.

3. Do you know what your Pace time is? If you do, what is it?
OK, if you mean running then I do not know. Seriously!!! The last thing I ran was a fever ;)
I plan to change this though, so I can keep ya posted!

4. What's your favorite season and why?
Fall, because it is beautiful and it smells fabulous outside and I love the weather.

5. If you could have any piece of workout equipment (free to you), what would you want?
I would have a brand new elliptical trainer like the ones at the gym, then I wouldn't have to use the torture device I currently enjoy ;)

6. Do you have a "bucket list"? If you do, what's one of the things on it (if you don't mind sharing)?
I would love to go to Ireland with my husband.

7. If you had a free UNLIMITED shopping spree at any store, what store would you go to?
I don't know, I don't really like to shop. Hmmmmm - I guess I would save it until I reach my goal and find a really cool clothing store. Or - because I am so sensible :) - I would use it at the grocery store.

8. Who is your biggest support in your life?
My husband is so super-supportive, he listens to me and is always just there for me.

So now I guess I am supposed to ask 8 questions. I am going to be completely un-original and steal some of the ones I read on other blogs, a few I came up with on my own though. So here goes:

1. What is your favourite colour?

2. Where would you live if you could live anywhere?

3.What is your favourite thing about blogging?

4. Who is your biggest supporter in your life?

5. What is your favourite season?

6. What is your favourite thing about yourself?

7. If you were a superhero what super power would you have?

8. What is your favourite food?

And I am supposed to pass this on to other people so I guess I will choose...

Sarah at My F.A.B. Challenge
Sandy at Sandy's Search for her Inner-Skinny!
Floriana at Sugarless Diet
Mel at Junkin' Junky

I would love to see your answers too, if you are interested in playing along :)

Bye for now,

Deserving

I have really been struggling through the process of writing this post. The amount of struggle tells me I am onto something big and I am both scared, and excited to get the process started.
I am aware, and have been for quite a while now, that I am pretty self destructive.
Maybe all of us are.
But I am really conscious of it now, and I think know that is a good thing. After all how can I change something if I do not recognize it?
I have struggled with feelings of hate and they have brought me to where I am today.
I choose to love myself. But sometimes, still, those feelings of self-loathing will come out and cause me to derail myself. Or self-destruct. I know that I am doing this to myself and I am finally starting to figure out why.
It is a matter of deserving. I, on some level, have always believed that I do not deserve to be happy. I deserve to have bad things happen to me. I deserve to be uncomfortable, unhealthy, unloved, etc. The list goes on and on and on. I have found a lot of really creative and unpleasant ways to prove to myself again and again just how undeserving I am.
I know that this is not true, now, that I am not undeserving. At least on a conscious level I know this. But there is still a part of me, the self loathing, self-destructive part, that tries to defeat me.
I have been writing this post for a while now, and getting nowhere. I have so many words, but nothing seems sensible. It is as if I do not really want to break free of this. I am sure on some level that is true. So, for today, I will write what I have and see if it moves me forward.
I will work it through.
Little by little.
For as long as it takes.
I am fighting, for all of the good things inside of me. The bad stuff is not entirely ready to let go. But I am not giving up. Maybe if I keep shining a light on this stuff, I will find my way free. I know that it can happen, I have to keep going. It is worth a shot anyway.
This is definitely one of those uncomfortable things I was talking about before.
So.....back to deserving. I have lived my life with the attitude that I do not deserve to be happy. It is so obvious to me now. I have everything I ever wanted and I have not allowed myself to be entirely happy. Because obviously, if you are going to punish yourself, happiness is not allowed. I am not going to catalogue every way that I have denied myself happiness. I think that to do that is to dwell in the dark, and I am shining a light here :)
Please know that I am aware of these instances and not ignoring them, I am just not giving them any more power. I could write and write all of the things I deserved, but I think recognizing them is enough. If not I guess at a later date I can bore you with all of the details ;)
I think I will stop there for now and just get this out there once and for all.

I thought this affirmation was really fitting for today:

Just for today I will practice self-acceptance. The struggle ends with me. I choose to stop struggling. I deserve peace.

I already posted it here, but it works :)

Oh and this is where I found it in the first place!

Hope you have an awesome weekend!
Bye for now,

Unpacking or Finally Getting Real

Usually when I start writing a post, if I get at all uncomfortable with what I am trying to say I back off. I mean that when I start to get too deep into stuff about why I am the way I am or my actions or really too deep into anything at all 'too personal' I stop.
Sometimes I will save the post for 'later' (and delete it at that later time), usually I just delete the whole thing right then and there. I say I am waiting, but what for???
It all boils down to avoidance.
I have really been digging deeper into myself lately and I am slowly becoming more aware of my actions. I have noticed that whenever I dig up something that makes me feel at all uncomfortable I bury it again, as quickly as possible.
I am getting really tired of burying things.
The more I bury them the harder they are to find later. Burying all of this crap has led to burying myself, under guilt, under shame, under fat! I have been putting my head in the sand again and again and using excuses to rationalize my behaviour.
When it comes to my blog I use the rationale that I want this to be a 'place of positivity' and I don't want it to be all dark or depressing. But where else should I put my real feelings? This is one place where I want to be really real and honest with myself. That is, after all, why I started blogging in the first place. I am recording my journey and I want to do it accurately - potholes and all ;)
As I have been opening my eyes and becoming more aware I have been noticing a lot of things about myself. Usually, okay always, by this point I do my little ostrich act and avoid, avoid, avoid. But this time I am not giving in. I know that when I feel uncomfortable it is because I am onto something big. When I feel the urge to hide, I have begun to dig deeper.
So when I thought about my blog and all of those unfinished posts I finally realized that in order to move along I will have to deal with the uncomfortable.
It's like unpacking. Every time you open a box you decide what you want to keep and what to get rid of. There is probably a lot of good stuff that you know you want, but you have to look through it all and decide.
I am tired of closing boxes up without even glancing inside.
It is time to dig them all out and start tossing the crap.
I am scared, but it feels like it's time. I can't wait to see what other good stuff I will find :)
I have been having a lot of thoughts lately about what I feel that I deserve and how these beliefs have brought me to where I am right now. I am working it through and I will definitely post about it soon. Stay tuned :) This has been a really tough one for me, but it is one box that will not be closed...

Weigh-In Day

Happy Tuesday :) Today is weigh in day. I am happy to report that my sneaky sabotager (I don't care if this isn't a word, I am using it anyway :P) did not throw me off track. I am 183.26 lbs. this morning and so happy to be over that hump. I just realized yesterday that I am almost a third of the way through my journey. It feels really good to say that. In exactly 3.86 lbs. I will be there! I have a lot of emotional junk and drama and worries swirling around here right now and I am glad that I am not letting my health or happiness take a back seat to the stress. I am not sure how much of that junk I want to put out there, I may just leave it all out of my posts. But I am glad to note that I am finally putting myself first, and keeping me there. Life can be fabulous, if I don't get in my own way ;) I am finding more and more every day that I really do choose the life I want. I can actually do what I want, when I want and the world does not fall apart around me. People can manage their own drama, and I do not have to sucked into their toxic negativity! I am feeling a huge need to purge everything I do not absolutely need, want or love from my life and home. I am ready to feel free! I have had a taste of it and I want it all. Here at home things are really great, my husband and I are on the same page right now - I am going to enjoy this becase, really, how often does that happen? :) I usually get caught up in outside drama and this time we are not letting it infect our happiness. I am usually the fixer in the family (meaning with my mom and sisters), and I am giving up this role. I know that I chose to be that person before, but not anymore. Anyway I am getting rambly again so I will finish this post and get on with my day. I think I can hear the laundry calling - Joy!!!

Bye for now,

I Did It!!!

Hello and Happy Sunday :) I am just doing a quick post today to say - I did it!!!!! I have officially lost 20 lbs. Well 20.62, to be exact. I know that I have done it before, but I was stuck in this crazy mindset that it didn't really count unless it was on weigh in day. Weird, huh? So this time I am posting it and accepting it and moving forward. So, even though it is Sunday, and not Tuesday I am posting my weight. As of this morning I am at 183.48 lbs. I will not give that sneaky saboteur inside the chance to do her stuff. I am posting it and moving along, onto the next challenge :) I am really close to one of my personal goals which is to weigh 178 lbs. The only reason this is a mini goal is because I almost never used to weigh myself and so I have only two key weights I remember being at. One was 178 lbs. and it was when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter and the other is 155 lbs., right before I got married. So for some strange reason I am excited about getting to 178 lbs., and then moving right past it of course :) Hey I just realized something, I have lost at least 10% of my initial weight. That is the first goal I set out to make. Yay for me, I almost let it sneak past without noticing it. That is awesome! Well now I am feeling really good, and I will say goodbye on that note! Hope great things are happening for you today :)

Bye for now,