Friday, April 29, 2011

Hello :)

I am not sure when I will post again, so I wanted to drop in a do a quick one now. I am doing okay, I am just sad. A family member, an extremely special and very much loved family member, is terribly sick right now. It is hard and it is sad and it is really all I can bring myself to think about right now. Everything else seems so very unimportant, so much less urgent.
Happy Friday :) Hugs to all my bloggy friends!

Bye for now,

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Weigh-In Day

I got my Wii problem sorted out, so I have updated my weight chart.
I was really surprised with my weight this morning. I am down to 161.26 lbs. Which means somehow in the last week I lost 4.18 lbs! Huh? I do not even know how that makes sense, but that is what happened.
I have noticed lately that no matter how bad I think I am doing, I am actually not really gaining anything. I am pretty good at maintaining now. That makes me happy, because I think it means that I am learning how to eat properly. Well I am not going to over analyze it....much ;)
I am sure when I get back into the swing of exercising regularly again the scale will slow down, but that's okay. I am not so worried about the numbers anymore. I know that I am moving in the right direction.
For me the hard part is working through my junk and convincing myself to just do it! Once I decide it seems so easy. That's it for now.
Happy Tuesday :)
Oh, and I guess that means I better take my 40 lb. progress pic now! I will get it done a.s.a.p. this time - for reals!!! :)

Bye for now,

Monday, April 18, 2011

Chaos, Drama, And My Default Mode

I think my default mode is set to 'self-destruct' :)
Things will be going fine, fantastic even and then (seemingly out of nowhere) chaos and drama erupt. I used to always wonder "Why do these things happen to me?" or "What did I do to deserve this?".
Now I know that these things aren't 'just happening', I am making them happen. I can actually watch the whole process unfold, if I take the time to pay attention.
It is crazy, really!
The only conclusion I can come up with is that I am still not 100% convinced that I deserve happiness.
It is like I hit my peak happiness level then I stop and freak out a little and go into self destruct mode. When I say peak happiness level - or PHL from now on :) I mean the amount of happiness I feel like I should be allowed (depending on how hard I worked for it) or the amount that I deserve.
I was not aware that I was doing this until recently. A few weeks ago things were going so well.  Everything was fabulous!  Everything!!!  Then I started to think things like 'Why are things going so well?' and 'how can I maintain this'.  And, seriously, it's like I just started to dismantle my own happiness.
I over analyzed, I questioned and I took a whole bunch of steps backwards.
I think I am a little afraid to move on or something.
I feel like I am at a really huge turning point right now.
I feel like a whole different person and I am sort of having trouble getting my head around all of these changes.
Everyone is noticing that I have lost weight now. It seems like in the last month every person I see tells me how fantastic I look. That is definitely a great thing, but it also usually makes me freak out. In the past it is usually enough to make me gain weight. Not anymore!  I have stopped doing that at least :) I am aware of it now, and I think I know what it is all about.
I think that maybe I am just not used to feeling so good and my self destructive side is saying 'Hey, what's going on here? Why are you happy and smiling all the time? That's not right! That's not normal!' and I pull back and....well, chaos and drama enter the picture.
I am glad I can see it happening now. I am glad that I am not playing the victim anymore, but I am really wondering if my self destructive tendencies will ever be gone.
I don't think so!
I thought in the beginning that this journey was going to be about food, but it really isn't. It is about me deciding that I love myself enough to choose happiness, to choose good things.
I need to keep choosing happiness until that is my default setting and I need to learn to accept the good and stop questioning it.
Of course I deserve to be happy. I deserved to be happy all along. I am just not 100% comfortable claiming it yet, I suppose.
So the plan is: blog, blog and blog some more :) It seems to be what works.
I think it is pretty obvious that I have a lot of turmoil going on inside, because my thoughts are all fighting to be set free and I can't entirely keep up with them. Hopefully as I let them out they will start to be more sensible, but for now I will just write.
I am feeling really good right now, I will just start with baby steps again and work this through.
Anyway, that's all for now.  Thank goodness, right :)  That was a long one!  Hopefully some of it made sense :)  Even if it didn't I feel better, so that is good.

Bye for now,

P.S. I am going to have to update my weight chart when my husband gets home. I am having trouble with the Wii, but I didn't forget :)  If he can get it figured out I will have it all up to date for tomorrows weigh in!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

No More 'Spinning Tires', I'm Ready To 'Kick Up Some Mud'!!!

A while ago someone asked me if people from my 'real life' read my blog and if it influenced my writing. My answer was no. As far as I am aware nobody that I actually know reads my blog.  And I didn't think it would influence my writing if they did.

But I was wrong!

I am still not sure if anyone I 'know' reads, but I now know that my writing is influenced by my readers.

It has to be!

Because if I wasn't influenced by what my readers may think I would be posting a lot more. I would post more of the struggle, the way I did in the beginning.
The way I intended to post all along.  I would journal this whole journey - good and bad -  and I would let it all out.

I started this blog for me. I used it to sort out my feelings and issues where food is concerned and I used it to learn more about myself and grow. I left it open for others to read and I even mention it to people in my life. But I never really cared if anyone read or not.
I figured if they did that was good and fine, but ultimately this was for me.

Now I feel like I am being a downer if I post my garbage.  I feel like I should only post certain things.
This is a problem!

I am either going to do this or I am not. I obviously have to do it the way that works for me, so I have to continue this journey the way I started it.
I think that I must have been using this as an excuse for a while now.  Something like "Don't post this, nobody wants to read this", so instead I remain silent and (shockingly) I am not making any progress.

I need to get back to basics.  I need to get back to what works for me! 
It really occurred to me the other day that I can either have excuses or I can have results.  I am so tired of the excuses!

I am working through a lot of things right now and I need to write them out.  I am feeling a bit uncentered and out of control.  Like I don't know where to head next, and I want to work these things through.
I am tired of sitting here with my tires spinning!  So, I guess, I am going to kick up some mud and get myself out of this rut! :)

I do want to say that I love all of my readers and supporters and I have been more inspired by you guys than you will ever know.  So please understand, if I get depressing or moody, I am not doing it to bring anyone down.  I am doing it to work it through and get it out.  I feel like this is what works for me, and I am ready to move on now.

Oh, and if anyone stuck through this post 'til the end, thanks :)  I am sure it was a bit rambly and incoherent, but that's where I'm at right now I guess :)

I will be back tomorrow to update my weekly weigh in chart and start fresh.  Weigh-in Day is Tuesday and I am so ready to start year two of this journey!

Bye for now,

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Two Week Challenge - Day 4

Hello :) 
I am back to report that I did finish day three!  I got my workout in for today already too!  So that means day three and four of my challenge are complete. 
It feels good to be moving again, even if it is just a little.  I think it is the feeling of taking charge that is so nice.  I am not floating along, letting things happen.  I am actively moving towards my goals!  I am sure that is why working out feels so good. 
It is funny to realize, as I go along, how much of this journey is in my head.  I work all of my junk out and then I move forward.  I am really finding this whole process pretty fascinating. 
That's it for today.  Thank you for the nice comments on my progress pics yesterday :)  It is really nice to feel the support from fellow bloggers! 
My one year Anniversary (of when I started losing) is coming up on the 13th.  I am hoping to make it to 40 lbs. lost by then.  I am pretty sure I will be there any time now, so I will make it a goal to get there and have my progress pic posted by my anniversary!
Hope your weekend is awesome!!!

Bye for now,

Friday, April 1, 2011

Progress Pic - 30 Pounds Lost (Finally Posted)

Good Morning :)
Thankfully it is a good morning here.  I think we are almost through with the flu, or whatever it was.  Both kids are feeling much better today, YAY!!! 
I finally got my thirty pound progress pic onto here so I figured I would put it up today.  I better, I am sure forty will be pretty soon now :) 
I am feeling good and I am glad to be getting on with my challenge, I will post back later today when I am really done day three :)  Promise! 
I realized some exciting things this morning.  I have lost 6.2 points on my b.m.i. and I only need to go down 2.9 more to be at a 'normal' weight.  It seems like I was just getting excited because I was out of the obese category, and now I feel like I am so close to the normal weight range. 
So exciting!  So surreal actually :)  I can hardly believe it. 
Anyway here is my progress pic:

When I was putting it on the computer last night my husband said, "You already look so much different than you did then"  I think I believe him.  I am a little excited to put up my next pic because I am finally seeing a change. 
Well that's it for now, I'll be back later to fill you in on my challenge progress!

Bye for now,