I feel like I don't know who I am sometimes.
I feel scared.
I am really tired of it.
My moods are all over the place and it is so frustrating.
On good days I am positive and moving forward and I feel like I can face anything because I am heading in the right direction. I know that I am strong and capable. I am doing it. I am making it easy for myself and I am feeling great!
On bad days...not so much.
I feel like I am under a microscope, I am over analyzing everything.
I have learned a lot about myself and why I behave the way I do. So, when I am in a bad place and being really self destructive, I am aware enough now that I can see myself doing it. You would think that that would make it easier, right? I can see myself eating because someone hurt my feelings, or because I am pissed off (more likely lately) or I can see myself picking a fight with my husband and I know what is going on, so I stop, right? Ummmmmm - NO!!!! Not me. I keep right on being self destructive and I continue the cycle.
I have made so many changes.
A lot of them are easy to see :)
But most of them are not. Most of them are inside of me.
I feel like I have to work on my inside stuff and the outside stuff will work itself out accordingly ;)
Because of all these changes I find myself looking around sometimes and wondering who's life this is.
Can it really be mine?
I can hardly explain it, but the Cara I was a year ago liked to hide. It seems that my whole life has been engineered so that I could hide away from the world. The weight, the fact that I chose to stay at home after I had my kids, the fact that I let all of my friends drift away over the years. I turned my home into a very quiet hiding place, now it seems like a really comfortable cage.
I am not that girl. I am not!
I don't want to hide, I don't want to be alone all the time. I don't even like t.v. anymore! I don't even know that girl. I tried to explain to my husband that it would be like letting someone else pick out your whole life and then you just move into it. It sounds mean though. I sound ungrateful and, I am worried, crazy!
How can I feel like this? I am the same person, aren't I?
Sometimes I feel so confused that I have no words and I am quiet.
As I write this out I hear how weird it sounds, but I am also starting to figure it out. When I typed the words 'I am not that girl' it sort of clicked.
I keep feeling like I have a choice right now.
I can go back to the way things were and back to that girl who fits into this life comfortably or I can keep moving on and adjust my life accordingly.
Pretty obvious, now that it's out there like that :)
Either way I chose it is going to be a struggle.
To go back would be horrible. To feel that way again. So miserable, so alone, so sad. But it would have it's perks too. All I can eat, really! I know it works for me, it must have. I can slide back in so easily, I know how it all goes.
To keep moving on, though. That will be hard and scary for different reasons, but still hard and scary. For starters, I do not like change. Even good changes freak me out a bit.
I am new at this confidence thing, it takes confidence to change and grow and move forward.
What if my husband and I grow apart as I change?
I know that this is really sounding ridiculous, it is to me now :)
But these are all of the things that are swirling around in my brain.
Obviously I do have a choice, but I probably don't have to make it the big thing that I have been. It is a decision that I have to keep making everyday and over time, just as always, things will start to work their way to where they are supposed to be.
So, anyway...that was a bit of a rambler, huh?
I am a little embarrassed to post this one, but I am gonna keep it real :)
I think I may have a pretty good handle on what is going on now, anyways.
So that is good!
I hope your days are sunny and a lot less complicated than I make mine :)
Bye for now,
10 Years of This
1 week ago