No More 'Spinning Tires', I'm Ready To 'Kick Up Some Mud'!!!

A while ago someone asked me if people from my 'real life' read my blog and if it influenced my writing. My answer was no. As far as I am aware nobody that I actually know reads my blog.  And I didn't think it would influence my writing if they did.

But I was wrong!

I am still not sure if anyone I 'know' reads, but I now know that my writing is influenced by my readers.

It has to be!

Because if I wasn't influenced by what my readers may think I would be posting a lot more. I would post more of the struggle, the way I did in the beginning.
The way I intended to post all along.  I would journal this whole journey - good and bad -  and I would let it all out.

I started this blog for me. I used it to sort out my feelings and issues where food is concerned and I used it to learn more about myself and grow. I left it open for others to read and I even mention it to people in my life. But I never really cared if anyone read or not.
I figured if they did that was good and fine, but ultimately this was for me.

Now I feel like I am being a downer if I post my garbage.  I feel like I should only post certain things.
This is a problem!

I am either going to do this or I am not. I obviously have to do it the way that works for me, so I have to continue this journey the way I started it.
I think that I must have been using this as an excuse for a while now.  Something like "Don't post this, nobody wants to read this", so instead I remain silent and (shockingly) I am not making any progress.

I need to get back to basics.  I need to get back to what works for me! 
It really occurred to me the other day that I can either have excuses or I can have results.  I am so tired of the excuses!

I am working through a lot of things right now and I need to write them out.  I am feeling a bit uncentered and out of control.  Like I don't know where to head next, and I want to work these things through.
I am tired of sitting here with my tires spinning!  So, I guess, I am going to kick up some mud and get myself out of this rut! :)

I do want to say that I love all of my readers and supporters and I have been more inspired by you guys than you will ever know.  So please understand, if I get depressing or moody, I am not doing it to bring anyone down.  I am doing it to work it through and get it out.  I feel like this is what works for me, and I am ready to move on now.

Oh, and if anyone stuck through this post 'til the end, thanks :)  I am sure it was a bit rambly and incoherent, but that's where I'm at right now I guess :)

I will be back tomorrow to update my weekly weigh in chart and start fresh.  Weigh-in Day is Tuesday and I am so ready to start year two of this journey!

Bye for now,

Feeling Groovy!!!

I really love where my head is right now. I am so on track, with my eating, and I feel unstoppable. I feel like I did at the beginning of this journey. I am excited, optimistic and determined. It feels really good to be back in the game. I have been very self-aware and I know that is why I am doing so well. I am able to stop and realize that I am just "hungry" because I am bored, frustrated, pms'ing, etc., etc., etc. I am really in touch with my feelings and actions. But I don't let them overwhelm me anymore. It feels really nice.

I have also been noticing a lot of things about my body in the last little while. I kept feeling like there was no real change since I began losing weight, but lately I have been noticing how different I really do feel. I can put on all of my clothes, straight out of the dryer and I don't have to pre-stretch anything. Was it just me that had to do that? :) I used to have to stretch out some of my shirts so that they 'fit right'. I also don't have to constantly make sure that my shirt is covering my butt or my belly and I don't have to continually adjust my bra. I no longer loosen my belt or pants (ie. popping open my button because I really enjoyed dinner) and I just feel comfortable in my skin. Does that make sense? It is a hard feeling to explain. I am definitely still overweight, but it is amazing how much better I already feel. I am excited again because if I feel this good now, imagine how great I will feel as I keep going.

So far my journey has taught me a lot of things, but I think the most important one is to love myself. I started out doing good things for myself because I knew that I should. Now I do these things because I know that I deserve to be happy and to feel great. I am no longer working at it because I should, I am automatically being good to myself. I am really happy about this. It took me a long time to feel like I deserved good things. The change came about and I didn't even realize it. I am really grateful for every bit of this journey. I am learning so much about me and I really love who I am.

Anyway, enough of the Rambly  Love Fest :)  I am going to bed at a semi-early hour tonight.  I need sleep!

Bye for now,

Deserving

I have really been struggling through the process of writing this post. The amount of struggle tells me I am onto something big and I am both scared, and excited to get the process started.
I am aware, and have been for quite a while now, that I am pretty self destructive.
Maybe all of us are.
But I am really conscious of it now, and I think know that is a good thing. After all how can I change something if I do not recognize it?
I have struggled with feelings of hate and they have brought me to where I am today.
I choose to love myself. But sometimes, still, those feelings of self-loathing will come out and cause me to derail myself. Or self-destruct. I know that I am doing this to myself and I am finally starting to figure out why.
It is a matter of deserving. I, on some level, have always believed that I do not deserve to be happy. I deserve to have bad things happen to me. I deserve to be uncomfortable, unhealthy, unloved, etc. The list goes on and on and on. I have found a lot of really creative and unpleasant ways to prove to myself again and again just how undeserving I am.
I know that this is not true, now, that I am not undeserving. At least on a conscious level I know this. But there is still a part of me, the self loathing, self-destructive part, that tries to defeat me.
I have been writing this post for a while now, and getting nowhere. I have so many words, but nothing seems sensible. It is as if I do not really want to break free of this. I am sure on some level that is true. So, for today, I will write what I have and see if it moves me forward.
I will work it through.
Little by little.
For as long as it takes.
I am fighting, for all of the good things inside of me. The bad stuff is not entirely ready to let go. But I am not giving up. Maybe if I keep shining a light on this stuff, I will find my way free. I know that it can happen, I have to keep going. It is worth a shot anyway.
This is definitely one of those uncomfortable things I was talking about before.
So.....back to deserving. I have lived my life with the attitude that I do not deserve to be happy. It is so obvious to me now. I have everything I ever wanted and I have not allowed myself to be entirely happy. Because obviously, if you are going to punish yourself, happiness is not allowed. I am not going to catalogue every way that I have denied myself happiness. I think that to do that is to dwell in the dark, and I am shining a light here :)
Please know that I am aware of these instances and not ignoring them, I am just not giving them any more power. I could write and write all of the things I deserved, but I think recognizing them is enough. If not I guess at a later date I can bore you with all of the details ;)
I think I will stop there for now and just get this out there once and for all.

I thought this affirmation was really fitting for today:

Just for today I will practice self-acceptance. The struggle ends with me. I choose to stop struggling. I deserve peace.

I already posted it here, but it works :)

Oh and this is where I found it in the first place!

Hope you have an awesome weekend!
Bye for now,

Unpacking or Finally Getting Real

Usually when I start writing a post, if I get at all uncomfortable with what I am trying to say I back off. I mean that when I start to get too deep into stuff about why I am the way I am or my actions or really too deep into anything at all 'too personal' I stop.
Sometimes I will save the post for 'later' (and delete it at that later time), usually I just delete the whole thing right then and there. I say I am waiting, but what for???
It all boils down to avoidance.
I have really been digging deeper into myself lately and I am slowly becoming more aware of my actions. I have noticed that whenever I dig up something that makes me feel at all uncomfortable I bury it again, as quickly as possible.
I am getting really tired of burying things.
The more I bury them the harder they are to find later. Burying all of this crap has led to burying myself, under guilt, under shame, under fat! I have been putting my head in the sand again and again and using excuses to rationalize my behaviour.
When it comes to my blog I use the rationale that I want this to be a 'place of positivity' and I don't want it to be all dark or depressing. But where else should I put my real feelings? This is one place where I want to be really real and honest with myself. That is, after all, why I started blogging in the first place. I am recording my journey and I want to do it accurately - potholes and all ;)
As I have been opening my eyes and becoming more aware I have been noticing a lot of things about myself. Usually, okay always, by this point I do my little ostrich act and avoid, avoid, avoid. But this time I am not giving in. I know that when I feel uncomfortable it is because I am onto something big. When I feel the urge to hide, I have begun to dig deeper.
So when I thought about my blog and all of those unfinished posts I finally realized that in order to move along I will have to deal with the uncomfortable.
It's like unpacking. Every time you open a box you decide what you want to keep and what to get rid of. There is probably a lot of good stuff that you know you want, but you have to look through it all and decide.
I am tired of closing boxes up without even glancing inside.
It is time to dig them all out and start tossing the crap.
I am scared, but it feels like it's time. I can't wait to see what other good stuff I will find :)
I have been having a lot of thoughts lately about what I feel that I deserve and how these beliefs have brought me to where I am right now. I am working it through and I will definitely post about it soon. Stay tuned :) This has been a really tough one for me, but it is one box that will not be closed...

Sneaky, Sneaky, Sneaky!!!

Hi :)

I am thinking about a lot of things lately. When am I not??? I thought I was doing pretty well with my eating. I am on the lookout for trip-ups and the sneaky little things my inner fat-girl may be trying to toss in my way. I thought I was doing pretty well. But then I realized I am still playing the tomorrow game. This is like when I say to myself, 'I will eat better tomorrow' or, 'I will exercise tomorrow'. I'm sure we all know how that goes. But I thought I was done with that. I was surprised when I found myself thinking just the other day, "When I am at my goal I won't be eating like this". That is exactly-the-same as the tomorrow game. I never even realized I was doing it still. There are still some things I am doing that are sabotaging me, and I tell myself I will stop when I make it to my goal. HUH!?!?!? I am really glad that I spotted this trap. I am looking on the bright side here :) Now that I hear that voice I can shut it down!!! When I hear it I can stop it. I want to make a whole lifestyle change. I do not want to diet. That will not work for me. So I need to start eating the way I will be eating at my goal, now. I will live like I am thin and healthy, eat like I am thin and healthy and then guess what - I will BE thin and healthy!!! I am really glad I spotted that sneaky, backwards thinking. So from now on when I am about to eat something that I don't really want or when I am tempted to just sit by and wait for my goal to come to me I will stop and act. I am going to be more conscious and aware and I am going to live. I am going to move towards my goal and not wait for it to magically get here. I am going to do it. I am such a rambler, huh? I wonder if anyone else can even make sense out of what I am saying. Well I get it, at least :)

One more point for Cara - Yay me!!!

Weigh-In Day

I am feeling really great. I am so much more aware of my whole body - already!!! I usually get to this point and then I start feeling too cocky or something and everything falls apart. I am watchful right now, looking ahead for those traps that usually trip me up on this familiar journey. I refuse to be sidetracked. There are no excuses this time, I am ready to LIVE my life. I have been reading a few blogs out there and I am SO inspired. It feels like there is a whole community of friends out there who I can look to for support when I am having a tough time. I officially started tracking this weight loss endeavor :) last Tuesday, April 13th. So my official start weight was 204.1 lbs. and my B.M.I. was 34.01. I have been weighing myself each day because I am using Wii fit plus, but I am only going to keep track of my weekly weight here. So since today is officially one week I can log my new weight, it is 198.2 lbs. and my B.M.I. is 33.09. I am sure that it must be water weight, and that I cannot really expect to see a loss like this again, but WOW!!! It was really nice to see the number actually getting smaller. I have taken a before picture and I plan to post it as soon as my computer and camera decide to play nice again or whenever I remember to print it out, so soon-ish :) I am planning on taking pics every ten pounds along the way, is this too many?? Okay, well I am off to begin another fabulous week.

Happy Tuesday everyone :)