I really don't know where to start. So I will just write.
I want to put down into words how badly I was doing. I am definitely using the past tense, because I am over it. But, if I want to learn from the bad I need to acknowledge it, right?
I was doing really bad. I was eating enough to seriously worry me and it was pretty much all junk. Ugh! I was eating so much that it hurt and I could feel my body telling me to stop.
I was stuck. Deep in self-destructive behaviours.
I felt overwhelmed and out of control and like I wasn't even the same person.
I think the scariest part for me was that it (seemingly) came out of nowhere. It's like I was walking along, doing great, and then I fell in a hole. Seriously!!! It was so sudden. No transition at all. Scary! Looking back now I can put my finger on some of the things that were happening and I am sure these things were the beginning of my fall. But, really, at the time it seemed like I had no control over the things I was doing.
I don't want to go there again!
I am glad for this experience though, strange as that may sound. It showed me a lot of things. I have really learned from this last misstep and I can't be upset about that.
One thing that really hit home was the way I felt. I was eating a lot of sugar, and I felt irritable and headache-y, and really just-plain-miserable. The reason I say that this hit home is because I realized that I used to feel that way all the time. Thirty pounds ago this was the way I felt on a day to day basis.
I thought it was normal!
I didn't even know I was miserable.
It's funny because as I am writing this I am beginning to tear up. I feel like I was given the best gift of all for Christmas and it was the gift of perspective.
I am no longer willing to accept bad things. I am no longer willing to accept that my body feels weak or worn out or crappy. I don't have to!
I am no longer willing to be a slave to sugar. I didn't even know I was.
How many times was I cranky and snappish to the people I love because I was being brought down by food, by sugar?!?!
If I didn't make this misstep I wouldn't know so well that I really am what I eat. I am so glad that I was able to make this mistake really. It was scary and it was dark and I seriously thought I may not be able to pull myself out. But I did!!! And I think that it was probably the biggest learning experience I have had so far on this journey.
I have so much more to say, but I think this will be a good start. I'll be back with more soon. I really want to dig into those things that I think brought me down and get it all out but that's all for now...
Happy to be back on track,
I'm Not Sure I Can Do This
4 days ago