If It Is Important

I have no reasons or excuses for not posting this week. I mean, I could probably give a bunch ;) 
But really, I just didn't do it, and that's it. 
Next week I want to get my weight posted on Tuesday.  If it is really important to me I will do it. 
Anyway my weight on Tuesday was 148.92 lbs. 
I guess it is safe to say I maintained, since I lost about .022 lbs. 
I am not looking to maintain, I would really like to move along, but it is what it is. 
And, just like posting my weigh ins, if this is important to me I will do it!  No excuses!!! 
I have noticed that on weeks when I do my best and try harder I get results, and on weeks that I make excuses and don't really put in much effort........ 
I can do this, I just have to convince myself sometimes that I want to :)
It is all about working through the stuff in my head and then all the other stuff seems to fall into place.
I know it sounds really easy, it can be too.  I know the things that help me.  Affirmations, blogging, being a good friend to myself, being consistent, not making excuses!
A quote keeps popping up for me all over the place. 
It is :  "If it is important to you, you will find a way.  If not you'll find an excuse." 
So true!
So, let's give this another go, shall we :)

Learning and Snuggles Too :)

So, I did not get my workout in yesterday. I said I definitely would and I didn't.
I let a lot of other stuff get in the way, good stuff :), but still I let the day get away from me.
I had a fantastic day, really great, so I cannot complain. But I do see where I could have a done a few things differently and gotten my workout in. So I am going to pay attention :)
First, I decided to let my workout wait when my son woke up early.  I chose snuggle time over workout time. I am happy to snuggle, I am sure it helped make the day so fantastic, snuggles are awesome!!! 
But, I am sure I could have squeezed my 1/2 hour in there somewhere. Actually I know I could have.
Once I let it slide in the morning it was easier to push it til "later" and then, when I was really busy I didn't end up getting to "later". 
So last night at 10:30 I decided to start again this morning and I did. 
I left out all the old ugly thinking and just decided to learn from this day.
One day missed is not a catastrophe, as much as I would like to pretend it is and console myself with cookies :)  I am doing great and I see how I can plan my workouts better, so it's all good.
That's it!

Bye for now,

Keeping It Up!!!

I did my 1/2 hour workout again yesterday and, no surprise, I felt fantastic!!!
I haven't yet today, but it is definitely going to happen.
I had a visit yesterday.
With someone who I like very much and who I have had quite a few really interesting discussions with. Usually after this person leaves I pull out everything I said and analyze it and criticize myself and just, plain, feel like crap!
Yesterday I chose not to do this. I chose to look at everything I said and be kind to myself.  I chose to be a friend to me.  I used to compare myself and come up lacking. 
This time I just chose to be me. 
I really believe that every person comes into our lives for a reason.
Yesterday my interaction with this person did a crazy thing for me.  I am not sure how, but it was like I was able to just stop and observe myself without criticism or judgment and see how I had really gotten back into the habit of hurting myself.  With my thoughts.  With my words.
I thought I was past it and yesterday a light was shined.  That seems to be happenning a lot lately :) 
You know why?  I am sure the light was there all along, but now I am looking for it, now I am ready to see it.
Before I would have spent wasted time analyzing words that I can't take back anyway, today I am just grateful that I feel more awake again, more me. 
That may have been confusing :)  I get rambly when I am trying to work stuff through. 
But little by little I am unraveling this issue again. 
I am happy to do it. 
I am just, really feeling grateful today.  It is so nice.  Life is better when I live it with gratitude :)

Working Out Feels Good....

Who knew???
Uh, ME!!! :)
So, why haven't I been doing it for so long?
I think I may have gathered some insight into that.
This morning I got on the Wii and I did my 1/2 hour and it wasn't a hard workout or anything, not such a huge deal, but I felt good. Really good!!!
I was happier today, noticeably, and just feeling really good!
I like this feeling , I want to keep it :)
I think the reason I quit doing things that make me feel so good is as simple and as complicated as this: I feel guilty when I am happy, and I don't feel like I deserve it!
Huh!
I thought I had worked that one through already when I wrote my post on deserving.
I guess I need a refresher :) 
I am ready to be as happy as I can, I am ready to make being happy my full time job :) 
I deserve it, we all do! 
I will not hold myself back any longer.  I am making a commitment to myself.
I will get back to working through my stuff and most of all to loving and accepting me. 
It is way past time. 
I am deserving!!!
I guess I could have just said that I completed my workout, and it felt good, and I have completed day one, but I guess I had some other stuff to say too :)

That's all for today!
Bye for now,

Weigh-In Day

Happy Tuesday :)
That means it is weigh in day, and I am happy to be keeping up with my posts!
My weight this morning was 148.94 lbs.
The scale is moving down, but I am not satisfied with how I feel.
I know that I can do better and feel better, so I think it is time to kick things up a notch and start working out again. I just feel so much better when I do.
Don't get me wrong, I am happy to see the scale moving down, but now, for me, it is more about how my body feels.
Right now I feel kind of sluggish, lazy, tired and flabby.  I am ready to feel fabulous again :)
So, because I am Cara, and because I like to keep things simple, I am going to do what works for me :)
I will be doing one of the following everyday: 30 minutes of Wii Fit Plus or The Horrible and Dreaded 30 Day Shred.  Gotta love Jillian :) 
I am sure we all know which one I will choose most days, for a while at least ;) 
That's it, nothing crazy or drastic.  I usually find that just doing one of these two every day gets me moving in so many other ways.  I feel better all around, and it feels easy.  So, I like :)
That's all for today!

Weigh-In Day

Tuesday is here again, and so it is weigh-in day.
I am really happy to be back to posting. Even if it has only been keeping my weight updated it still feels good :)
This morning my weight was down again and I feel like I am doing pretty well.
I am working through the head stuff and, as usual, my weight reflects that :)
I know what works for me and right now I am working it.
I have been feeling the burning desire to work out (it hits me every so often). Crazy, I know ;)
It is flickering and I am just going to have to jump in and get to it.
Right now I am just concentrating on my food, but I know that the ball is starting to roll and I am feeling so glad to get going again.
Anyway, enough rambling, on to the weight.
This morning I am at 150.26 lbs.

Bye for now,

Weigh-In Day...

was yesterday, of course :)  But, I am posting my weight today, because apparently I am a procrastinator :) My weight yesterday was 151.36 lbs. It feels nice to be getting back on track and I am thinking of a few new ideas and goals. That's it for now. I just wanted to make sure to keep things updated :)
Bye for now,

Ready :)

Alrighty, I am officially updated:)
I have my weekly weigh-in posted, I updated my tracker, I am ready to go.
Oh, yeah, I did my Ticker too. I do have to admit that I winced a little when my Ticker jumped from 16.5 lbs left up to 22.7, but I am going to keep it real :)
Still feeling good!
I really had to drag myself into it this time, and fake it for a while.
But it is paying off, everyday I am a little more in control again, a little more confident, a little more......ready :)
That's all for tonight, still feeling groovy :)
Bye for now,

Weekly Weigh-In

I was just about to log off the internet when it suddenly occurred to me that:
1)  It is Tuesday
2)  I weighed myself this morning
3)  If I just post it on here really quick, right now, I will have started.
So here I am starting my weekly weigh-ins again :)
This morning my weight was down to 152.68 lbs. Not all the way back to my lowest, but who cares?
I am starting again and it feels good!!!

Bye for now,

I Did Not Forget

I fully intended to post my weight yesterday and update my goal. I remembered when I was an hour away from home. Christmas shopping, a family dinner, and other hectic things got in the way :) But, I am here now to post my restarting weight. It is 155.54 lbs. Up about nine or so pounds from my lowest weight. It kinda sucks. I am tired, so I am going to bed, and will post more later. I really feel great about where I am and where I am heading :)

Bye for now,

So, Here's The Deal......

I really, really want to eat.  A lot.
A lot of stuff, I mean.
Ugh!!!
It is terrible. 
This feeling I get sometimes that I am helpless?  Or that I'm a passenger. 
Just watching out the window. 
See the train wreck? :) 
Anyway, it is getting old.
I have done a remarkable amount of backsliding in a really short amount of time.
I feel like JUNK!!! Seriously!
Really, really terrible. I have been eating the worst things, awful stuff.
The worst part is that I do not even enjoy this junk anymore yet I am still eating, eating, eating... 
I am going to weigh myself tomorrow and post my weight here.
No matter how scary it is :)
I am going to weigh myself every day and I am going to start posting it again weekly until I reach my goal.
I am going to get serious. Seriously! :)
I will be back tomorrow with my weight and some new goals to get me started again.
Today I was thinking about this journey and how ready I am to be at my goal. 
I was going to plan my resolution and give the New Year a great start. 
And then I thought - Why wait? 
Why not just start right now. 
So I am. 

'Til tomorrow,

My Belt Is Not My Friend

My pants are uncomfortably tight and my belt is not my friend :( 
This is not going to be a problem.
It is a wake up call. A reminder. A friendly kick in the butt :)
Get moving! Now!
Get.
Moving.  
Now.
Do not wait, do not let it slide any more, pay attention! 
So I am.
I am paying attention. 
I see what is happening.  I see how I am letting all of my old bad habits and behaviours slide in, take over. 
I am slipping back to before.  Correction, I was slipping.  Now?  Now I am paying attention :)
I read over some of my posts from last year and I am going to keep doing it.  I need to take a refresher course. 
I am full of thoughts and plans and excitement. 
I am planning on posting more often and getting back to the basics. 
Back to what works for me. 
This is it for right now. 
My pants are tight, I don't like how it feels, and there you have it....blog post!!!  :)
But, seriously, I want to remember how it feels to backslide.  Even a little bit.  It feels really crappy!!!
Pretty darn crappy, indeed!
So, enough of that :)

Bye for now,

GRRRRR!!!

I am thinking of shutting my blog down, or making it private, or taking some other drastic action right now.  So, I will probably give it some time, cool off, and then decide what to do.  The day after my last post I went to sign in to my blog and was told that Google had shut me down because they didn't believe I was older than 13.  They said I had changed my birthday (I didn't), so I am a little concerned that someone else may have had access to my account.   It has taken me all this time to get the situation straightened out.  There have been a couple of other issues, mainly a spammy comment situation that had me worried, and right now I am not feeling too confident about this blogging thing :)  Anyway, I just wanted to post about where I, and my blog, have been.  It was really upsetting to think that all of the posts I had written and all of my tracking was gone.  On another note I have been keeping track of my weight and I am maintaining.  I am pretty sure I will be back but for right now....grrrrrr!!! :)

Bye for now,

I Was Scared

Hello :)
In my last post I mentioned that I was going to weigh myself on Tuesday and that I was going to start my weekly weigh-ins again until I reach my goal.
I wasn't lying, I had every intention of weighing myself on Tuesday. 
But then Tuesday came and I was.......scared!!!   I was scared to step on that stupid thing and post my weight here again and it felt like a big. huge. deal. 
Silly me :)  Sometimes that side of me still takes over, I guess know. 
So, because I really do want to get moving again I just stepped on the scale this morning.  For some reason just doing that one little thing makes me feel more powerful. 
When I do not weigh in it is because I am worried, nervous, doubtful, anxious, scared, etc., etc., etc. 
So just the act of stepping on the scale is like taking back some of the control. 
Whether the number is a good one - you know what I mean :) - or a bad one, I have faced it and I am not just wondering.  For me it is always a step forward.
So, needless to say, I am happy I did it. 
Now I feel like I am aware, and I have a new start, and I am ready to move again! 
I am up about 2 lbs. from my absolute lowest (my crazy head had me convinced it was more like 15 lbs.) 
My official weight this morning is 148.52 lbs. 
Tuesday I will post my weight on my chart and I am not letting my fear stop me.
You know if this journey wasn't so consuming and frustrating it would really be quite fascinating.  I am figuring out so much about myself and I am actually amazed sometimes with the things I learn. 
Anyway, that's it for today :)

Bye for now,

Here I Go Again!!!

Hello :)
In the last month I have started many posts and not finished them.  I guess I have writer's block :)
I have been figuring some stuff out and maintaining my weight (with a little self-sabotage here and there). 
I really feel like I know myself like I never have before. I am really aware now. This makes some days hard, because I know that I am the main cause of my difficulties. But, in general every day is getting better and I am realizing more and more that I was in control all along.
I do have power and I am ready to get going again!!! 
I have realized that on the days I struggle it is usually because I am making things harder than they have to be.  If I stick to the basics and do simple things it all flows smoothly and I move along.  When I try to make huge changes and shake things up, or if I am hard on myself, I don't move at all. 
I am going to start reading back over some of my earlier post and begin again with the basics :)  I'll put my money where my mouth is and take some of my own advice!  It got me this far! 
I have a feeling that I am 'struggling' now because once I have gotten to my goal - then what?!?!?! 
I have to reassess my goals, come up with some new ones and get this bus moving again. 
I am more than ready to get going.
So far the plan is to start back up with my weekly weigh-ins.  I think it is time.  I will stick with Tuesdays, why not?  So next Tuesday will be weigh in day and I will keep it up until I reach my goal.
If I come up with any more plans I will keep you posted but for now it is going to be to keep it simple, be a great friend to myself, and just do it.

Bye for now,

Progress Pics - 50 lbs. Lost!!! :)

Hi again :)

I kept meaning to put progress pics up when I lost 40 lbs. and I never ended up doing it. 
I am not skipping it this time!  I have officially lost 50 lbs!!!  I am so excited! 
I have made it almost 75% of the way to my goal and as of this morning I only need to lose 18.94 lbs. to get there. 
WOW!!! 
It almost seems unbelievable to me. 

Anyway here are some pics:

 My daughter says I am making a weird face in this one, she's right :)

I am feeling really great! 

Kind of all brand new, and I like it :)  

I know that I am doing this and I know that I am going to be at my goal soon.  

It feels really nice.

So Excited!!!

I am really excited right now!
I have had a pretty long and difficult summer and I am still working through some stuff.  Hard stuff! But I am doing really well with my weight loss, and that is amazing!
In the old days when I was in any sort of emotional discomfort my weight would reflect that - and not in a good way! 
I have been feeling pretty low for the last few months and I am still sticking to my goals.  I still mess up, but in general I have stuck to it.  This is huge!!!
And it is paying off!
Last night I got into my wedding dress, and zipped it up!  I was shocked! 
That has been a goal of mine ever since I started gaining this weight, and I did it!
Then I weighed myself this morning and finally, finally, the Wii said my weight was NORMAL!!!
I have been waiting for this day since I first stepped on that balance board and was told that I was obese.  I did it!!!
I know that I haven't been blogging a lot and I know that I have been stumbling, I almost didn't post this because I hate it to seem like I only write when I am happy with my weight.
But I am excited and happy and I like the feeling. 
I am going to keep it going!
I really do want to dig into some of the crap that I was dealing with this summer and I do want to write a post about depression, but today I am excited.
So this is it :)

Bye for now,

My Picture NSV :)

Hi :) Wow, it has been a while since I've posted.
I have so many things going on right now but I am basically just living. As boring as that sounds :)
I do have a big post swirling around in my head. I want to share some of my thoughts on depression and let you know what I've been up to. I also want to update my weight and get this bus moving again :)
But not today! Today I just want to share a really important, to me, NSV.
My husband and I celebrated our twelfth wedding anniversary this weekend. On Saturday my daughter took our picture and it is the first picture I have liked of us, well of me really, since our wedding day.
That was a pretty big deal. It feels really nice :)
I am officially at fifty pounds lost now.  So I am going to take a picture and update. 
I am ready to get moving again :) 
I thought I would share my NSV pic with you guys, I didn't ask my husband if he minded, so don't tell him ;)

Have a great day!

Taking Out The Garbage

I am so glad I finally sat down and blogged the other day.
I know that my post was moody and depressing and rambly, but it helped me to get it down.
I keep reading it over and it is a lot of stuff that I didn't even know I was feeling.
In my head I was getting frustrated and feeling overwhelmed. I was over analyzing, and going around in circles, and basically just making things harder for myself. Sometimes I do that ;)
I needed to take out the garbage and start fresh.
Nothing is ever as hard as I make it seem in my head. Not even close. Plus, am I really thinking of quitting? No!!! Not even a little.
Things are confusing right now, and I feel like I am on fast forward sometimes, but I know that I am heading in the right direction for me.
Change is good, I know this :) I read this quote today on facebook and it seemed really fitting right now:

"Change - It has the power to uplift, to heal, to stimulate, surprise, open new doors, bring fresh experience and create excitement in life. Certainly it is worth the risk." 
~ Leo Buscaglia

I know this.  I know that it is worth it, and I am going to keep moving forward :)

Happy Friday everyone :)

Choices, Changes And Other Scary Things :)

I feel like I don't know who I am sometimes.
I feel scared.
I am really tired of it.

My moods are all over the place and it is so frustrating. 
On good days I am positive and moving forward and I feel like I can face anything because I am heading in the right direction.  I know that I am strong and capable.  I am doing it.  I am making it easy for myself and I am feeling great! 
On bad days...not so much.

I feel like I am under a microscope, I am over analyzing  everything. 
I have learned a lot about myself and why I behave the way I do.  So, when I am in a bad place and being really self destructive, I am aware enough now that I can see myself doing it.  You would think that that would make it easier, right?  I can see myself eating because someone hurt my feelings, or because I am pissed off (more likely lately) or I can see myself picking a fight with my husband and I know what is going on, so I stop, right?  Ummmmmm - NO!!!!  Not me.  I keep right on being self destructive and I continue the cycle. 

I have made so many changes. 
A lot of them are easy to see :) 
But most of them are not.  Most of them are inside of me. 
I feel like I have to work on my inside stuff and the outside stuff will work itself out accordingly ;) 

Because of all these changes I find myself looking around sometimes and wondering who's life this is.
Can it really be mine? 
I can hardly explain it, but the Cara I was a year ago liked to hide.  It seems that my whole life has been engineered so that I could hide away from the world.  The weight, the fact that I chose to stay at home after I had my kids, the fact that I let all of my friends drift away over the years.  I turned my home into a very quiet hiding place, now it seems like a really comfortable cage. 

I am not that girl.  I am not! 

I don't want to hide, I don't want to be alone all the time.  I don't even like t.v. anymore!  I don't even know that girl.  I tried to explain to my husband that it would be like letting someone else pick out your whole life and then you just move into it.  It sounds mean though.  I sound ungrateful and, I am worried, crazy! 
How can I feel like this?  I am the same person, aren't I? 
Sometimes I feel so confused that I have no words and I am quiet. 

As I write this out I hear how weird it sounds, but I am also starting to figure it out.  When I typed the words 'I am not that girl'  it sort of clicked.
I keep feeling like I have a choice right now. 
I can go back to the way things were and back to that girl who fits into this life comfortably or I can keep moving on and adjust my life accordingly. 
Pretty obvious, now that it's out there like that :) 

Either way I chose it is going to be a struggle. 
To go back would be horrible.  To feel that way again.  So miserable, so alone, so sad.  But it would have it's perks too.  All I can eat, really!  I know it works for me, it must have.  I can slide back in so easily, I know how it all goes. 
To keep moving on, though.  That will be hard and scary for different reasons, but still hard and scary.  For starters, I do not like change.  Even good changes freak me out a bit. 
I am new at this confidence thing, it takes confidence to change and grow and move forward. 
What if my husband and I grow apart as I change? 

I know that this is really sounding ridiculous, it is to me now :) 
But these are all of the things that are swirling around in my brain. 
Obviously I do have a choice, but I probably don't have to make it the big thing that I have been.  It is a decision that I have to keep making everyday and over time, just as always, things will start to work their way to where they are supposed to be. 

So, anyway...that was a bit of a rambler, huh? 
I am a little embarrassed to post this one, but I am gonna keep it real :) 
I think I may have a pretty good handle on what is going on now, anyways. 
So that is good!
 
I hope your days are sunny and a lot less complicated than I make mine :)
Bye for now,