Friday, September 10, 2010


I have really been struggling through the process of writing this post. The amount of struggle tells me I am onto something big and I am both scared, and excited to get the process started.
I am aware, and have been for quite a while now, that I am pretty self destructive.
Maybe all of us are.
But I am really conscious of it now, and I think know that is a good thing. After all how can I change something if I do not recognize it?
I have struggled with feelings of hate and they have brought me to where I am today.
I choose to love myself. But sometimes, still, those feelings of self-loathing will come out and cause me to derail myself. Or self-destruct. I know that I am doing this to myself and I am finally starting to figure out why.
It is a matter of deserving. I, on some level, have always believed that I do not deserve to be happy. I deserve to have bad things happen to me. I deserve to be uncomfortable, unhealthy, unloved, etc. The list goes on and on and on. I have found a lot of really creative and unpleasant ways to prove to myself again and again just how undeserving I am.
I know that this is not true, now, that I am not undeserving. At least on a conscious level I know this. But there is still a part of me, the self loathing, self-destructive part, that tries to defeat me.
I have been writing this post for a while now, and getting nowhere. I have so many words, but nothing seems sensible. It is as if I do not really want to break free of this. I am sure on some level that is true. So, for today, I will write what I have and see if it moves me forward.
I will work it through.
Little by little.
For as long as it takes.
I am fighting, for all of the good things inside of me. The bad stuff is not entirely ready to let go. But I am not giving up. Maybe if I keep shining a light on this stuff, I will find my way free. I know that it can happen, I have to keep going. It is worth a shot anyway.
This is definitely one of those uncomfortable things I was talking about before.
So.....back to deserving. I have lived my life with the attitude that I do not deserve to be happy. It is so obvious to me now. I have everything I ever wanted and I have not allowed myself to be entirely happy. Because obviously, if you are going to punish yourself, happiness is not allowed. I am not going to catalogue every way that I have denied myself happiness. I think that to do that is to dwell in the dark, and I am shining a light here :)
Please know that I am aware of these instances and not ignoring them, I am just not giving them any more power. I could write and write all of the things I deserved, but I think recognizing them is enough. If not I guess at a later date I can bore you with all of the details ;)
I think I will stop there for now and just get this out there once and for all.

I thought this affirmation was really fitting for today:

Just for today I will practice self-acceptance. The struggle ends with me. I choose to stop struggling. I deserve peace.

I already posted it here, but it works :)

Oh and this is where I found it in the first place!

Hope you have an awesome weekend!
Bye for now,


  1. This was really brave of you. I am sure it was difficult to get it out there, but I am glad you did. It's the first step in changing and turning the negative into positive. What you wrote made me quite emotional because I recognize myself in your words. I have made myself feel undeserving so many times. I still do it all the time and I shouldn't. You just inspired me to start dealing with this issue. Thank you, Cara :)

  2. Hey Cara.. I tagged you in a post on my blog.. it's a game where you answer some questions so we (your followers) can know a little bit about you.. look forward to your answers.. :)

  3. Hi Cara,

    I am so proud of you! It takes courage to get real and stop digging one's head in the sand and explore one's discomfort.

    To be real one has to embrace both positive and negative aspects, not be a beacon of chirping positivity! That would be denying reality. The irony is as we embrace the negative, we then have the ability to turn it into a positivity, for we reclaim it's energy and turn it back into light.

    You are digging deep girl and the only way out is through the darkness that you are currently wading through. Stay the course and you will find that there is nothing to fear but fear itself. Look that fear in the eye and it will dissolve into light because that is what you are made of.

    The problem is you believed a lie: the lie that you were not worthy. This probably happened sometime in your childhood (either by a parent or childhood experience) and you have been operating as if this was true for a very long time. Sadly, at the time this decision was made you had very little knowledge of the world and weren't mature enough to know it was a lie.

    Until we start to face and question our deepest beliefs they will continue to have a hold on us and we will act as if they are true. Intellectually you know this belief is not true but it is now time to heal your emotional reality.

    What you have hated about yourself is simply your humanness. You aren't perfect, you are fragile and weak in some places, and strong in others. Just like everyone else!

    It is time to embrace the whole package and become whole. To be whole is to become fully human, not perfect. This is all any of us can hope to be.

    To heal the split inside of you requires you to lovingly embrace all aspects of yourself; not run away, avoid or reject parts of yourself.

    As you do so, you will find yourself becoming strong where you once felt weak and broken, for you will have come home to yourself.

    P.S. I am putting a link on my website to yours, as I would love my readers to follow your courageous journey. Feel free to do the same.

    Love, hugs, and insight,

    Catherine L. Taylor

  4. Thank you so much for the kind words :) I am amazed that people read what I write, so when I hear that I am inspiring someone it makes me feel really happy.
    Floriana - your comment made me really emotional. I think it is because I know exactly how you feel. I am really excited to be on this journey with you :)
    Sarah - The question game sounds like a lot of fun. I will get to it a.s.a.p. Sorry I missed it earlier :)
    Catherine - Thank you so much for your words and for putting the link on your website. I added you on mine too :) I have found a lot of really great affirmations in your e-book and on your site. I am sure others would benefit from your experience, so I am glad to add the link!