Monday, September 20, 2010

Freaking Out!!!

So, I am freaking out a little.  It happens.  Not so much lately, but still sometimes.  I hate it.  The freaking out.  I hate the way I feel right now.  I am all stressed out because tomorrow is weigh in day and I am up a tiny bit.  I watched myself messing up.  It was all Cara-approved screwing up.  I seriously watched myself do it.  So why freak out?  I know this sounds rambly, cause hey - freaking out here!!!  I think I should probably delete this post and ignore the crap swirling around in my head right now, but I figured I would start writing and see what comes up.  When I am not doing so great and my date with the scale is getting closer I sabotage myself.  I guess I have this all or nothing attitude.  Kind of like "hey I already screwed this up, let's see how bad I can make it." - argh!  I am starting to get really tired of it.  Really.  Really.  Tired.  I guess that means I have an issue, huh?  Well duh!  But how do I move past it?  I am really taking a look at my actions, lately.  Not strictly food related stuff, just all of my 'life stuff'.  I can see how I react to things and lately I have been able to stop and observe my emotions before I react.  It has been a huge eye opener.  Kind of like I am not on automatic pilot anymore.  Like I am waking up.  I like it, but still this crappy self-sabotage.  So frustrating!  I think that maybe I want to have a problem.  Who am I if I am not the fat girl?  If I am not invisible anymore?  If I can't hide behind my weight?  Right now I am so tired of all of my excuses.  Like, once again two parts of me are fighting it out.  Sensible, ready-to-be-the-best-possible-me, Cara is tired of waiting around for needy, whiny, always-has to-be-rescued, Cara to get her act together.  Tired of holding her hand and dragging her through all of this crap.  I seriously just want to kick her ass already!  Holy cow, I sound like I have a split personality.  Don't worry, I promise, I am not going to lose it or anything.  I think the anger may be okay.  It feels like I am just having a huge shift happening inside of me right now.  Is it just me?  If anyone is still reading at this point they probably think I am nuts.  I am feeling a bit better now though.  Writing is so helpful.  I guess I just needed to get that out.  Well I am going to head to bed and get a good nights sleep.  I will post my weight tomorrow and move forward.  I am really tired of sitting where I am, spinning my tires.  Something is going to change.  Not sure what yet, but I will figure it out.  On with the journey.  I think the freaking out portion of this post is over :)  Sooooooooooo....

Bye for now,


  1. I read through the whole post and I don't think you are nuts. I think we all have feelings like this at times. I know I do. It's good that you are hearing that voice of reason, the voice of the better you. At least she is there and showing signs of life and readiness to fight. She has not given up on you. Hang in there, Cara. *hugs*

  2. Hi Cara,

    Sorry to hear you are freaking out but you are not nuts. As a weight loss coach I hear this all the time. One part of you is trying to move forward and another one is holding you back.

    Understand that that humans are hardwired to resist change. It's a survival tactic. Also, our habits are neural pathways in our brains and until we build new neural habits and pathways, our default position will be overeating. This means that when stressed we automatically default back to old behavior.

    Relapse is part of the deal and it does not mean that we are not improving or failing. It means that we are human and struggling in the learning curve. We just have to pick ourselves up and keep moving forward until the newer behavior sticks. It takes awhile, not 30 days, as most experts say. It may take 30 days to develop a new habit, but integrating it and making it permanent takes much longer.

    I find with eating behavior it takes 6 months to a year to integrate new behaviors. So hang in there. This too shall pass. Repeat this little ditty repeatedly when you are having a bad day!


    Catherine L. Taylor

  3. Hey lovely. I found you through the flab to fit challenges. I am only on day 3 of mine so have a long way to go. But one thing I do know, is that minds are powerful and our thoughts mess with us sometimes. But we are not our thoughts. Thoughts come and go. It's normal to freak out occasionally, and by sharing your freak out moment you've probably made loads of us feel better about ourselves.
    Good luck!

  4. Thank you ladies. I am feeling much better. I am sure it will not be the last time I have a freak out and post it. I really want to be honest about my journey, and it definitely helps me when I look back and see how far I have come. I didn't let it get me down for long, by the time I finished typing I was much better. I appreciate the thoughts, it is great to have all the extra support from my blogging friends :)