So, I am freaking out a little. It happens. Not so much lately, but still sometimes. I hate it. The freaking out. I hate the way I feel right now. I am all stressed out because tomorrow is weigh in day and I am up a tiny bit. I watched myself messing up. It was all Cara-approved screwing up. I seriously watched myself do it. So why freak out? I know this sounds rambly, cause hey - freaking out here!!! I think I should probably delete this post and ignore the crap swirling around in my head right now, but I figured I would start writing and see what comes up. When I am not doing so great and my date with the scale is getting closer I sabotage myself. I guess I have this all or nothing attitude. Kind of like "hey I already screwed this up, let's see how bad I can make it." - argh! I am starting to get really tired of it. Really. Really. Tired. I guess that means I have an issue, huh? Well duh! But how do I move past it? I am really taking a look at my actions, lately. Not strictly food related stuff, just all of my 'life stuff'. I can see how I react to things and lately I have been able to stop and observe my emotions before I react. It has been a huge eye opener. Kind of like I am not on automatic pilot anymore. Like I am waking up. I like it, but still this crappy self-sabotage. So frustrating! I think that maybe I want to have a problem. Who am I if I am not the fat girl? If I am not invisible anymore? If I can't hide behind my weight? Right now I am so tired of all of my excuses. Like, once again two parts of me are fighting it out. Sensible, ready-to-be-the-best-possible-me, Cara is tired of waiting around for needy, whiny, always-has to-be-rescued, Cara to get her act together. Tired of holding her hand and dragging her through all of this crap. I seriously just want to kick her ass already! Holy cow, I sound like I have a split personality. Don't worry, I promise, I am not going to lose it or anything. I think the anger may be okay. It feels like I am just having a huge shift happening inside of me right now. Is it just me? If anyone is still reading at this point they probably think I am nuts. I am feeling a bit better now though. Writing is so helpful. I guess I just needed to get that out. Well I am going to head to bed and get a good nights sleep. I will post my weight tomorrow and move forward. I am really tired of sitting where I am, spinning my tires. Something is going to change. Not sure what yet, but I will figure it out. On with the journey. I think the freaking out portion of this post is over :) Sooooooooooo....
Bye for now,
Sunday Weigh In and Other Stuff
3 days ago