I cannot let go of the past. Actually scratch that. I choose not to let go of the past. I have done a lot of digging around inside of me. I have made a lot of progress. And I thought that I had moved on. By moved on I mean that I have accepted that what is in my past is done and over with, and that I know it only has as much power over me as I choose to give it.
I have moved on, for the most part. But there are still a few issues that I haven't gotten through or over yet.
I have some anger.
But I am tired of carrying it around with me. It is taking away too much of my energy. Energy that would be better spent on positive things, like achieving my goals.
I want to put it down, let it go, and walk away from it. Quickly :)
Most of my anger is directed at two people. One of those people is me and the other one is my mother. I am not even sure if the reasons for my anger are important. I know what it's all about.
I have made some progress.
I know that my mom did the best she could at the time. I also know that just because she didn't love me the way I wanted her to it doesn't mean she didn't love me. I get it. Well, the logical, rational part of me gets it. The emotional, irrational, angry part of me is still acting out like a child and being a sad little girl about it.
For the last little while I have been struggling a bit.
You may have noticed.
Anyway, as I have been struggling along one word keeps popping up in my mind: forgive!
I have worked through forgiving in the past and it is definitely worth it. It has helped me to move forward and it has released a huge burden from me. I thought I was done, but for some reason I struggle with forgiving my mother and I struggle with forgiving myself.
I have been looking through some of my books and on the internet about this topic and I found a really good article about it here. In this article they give you some steps that can help you through the process.
I am definitely going to get started on this. I feel like it is time. I am ready to forgive and I am ready to move on.
I am sure this is the next step on my journey and I am excited to get this process going. It is like I can actually feel the physical weight of this burden that I am carrying around. I can almost taste the freedom that letting go brings with it.
It doesn't seem like a coincidence to me that I am stalled in my weight loss efforts right now.
This is a key, and I plan to use it. So for a little while I will be working this through and posting about the process.
That's it for today, I think it's a good start.
If you have any ideas feel free to comment, I appreciate the help.
Bye for now,
Here I Am
2 days ago