Deserving

I have really been struggling through the process of writing this post. The amount of struggle tells me I am onto something big and I am both scared, and excited to get the process started.
I am aware, and have been for quite a while now, that I am pretty self destructive.
Maybe all of us are.
But I am really conscious of it now, and I think know that is a good thing. After all how can I change something if I do not recognize it?
I have struggled with feelings of hate and they have brought me to where I am today.
I choose to love myself. But sometimes, still, those feelings of self-loathing will come out and cause me to derail myself. Or self-destruct. I know that I am doing this to myself and I am finally starting to figure out why.
It is a matter of deserving. I, on some level, have always believed that I do not deserve to be happy. I deserve to have bad things happen to me. I deserve to be uncomfortable, unhealthy, unloved, etc. The list goes on and on and on. I have found a lot of really creative and unpleasant ways to prove to myself again and again just how undeserving I am.
I know that this is not true, now, that I am not undeserving. At least on a conscious level I know this. But there is still a part of me, the self loathing, self-destructive part, that tries to defeat me.
I have been writing this post for a while now, and getting nowhere. I have so many words, but nothing seems sensible. It is as if I do not really want to break free of this. I am sure on some level that is true. So, for today, I will write what I have and see if it moves me forward.
I will work it through.
Little by little.
For as long as it takes.
I am fighting, for all of the good things inside of me. The bad stuff is not entirely ready to let go. But I am not giving up. Maybe if I keep shining a light on this stuff, I will find my way free. I know that it can happen, I have to keep going. It is worth a shot anyway.
This is definitely one of those uncomfortable things I was talking about before.
So.....back to deserving. I have lived my life with the attitude that I do not deserve to be happy. It is so obvious to me now. I have everything I ever wanted and I have not allowed myself to be entirely happy. Because obviously, if you are going to punish yourself, happiness is not allowed. I am not going to catalogue every way that I have denied myself happiness. I think that to do that is to dwell in the dark, and I am shining a light here :)
Please know that I am aware of these instances and not ignoring them, I am just not giving them any more power. I could write and write all of the things I deserved, but I think recognizing them is enough. If not I guess at a later date I can bore you with all of the details ;)
I think I will stop there for now and just get this out there once and for all.

I thought this affirmation was really fitting for today:

Just for today I will practice self-acceptance. The struggle ends with me. I choose to stop struggling. I deserve peace.

I already posted it here, but it works :)

Oh and this is where I found it in the first place!

Hope you have an awesome weekend!
Bye for now,

Sneaky, Sneaky, Sneaky!!!

Hi :)

I am thinking about a lot of things lately. When am I not??? I thought I was doing pretty well with my eating. I am on the lookout for trip-ups and the sneaky little things my inner fat-girl may be trying to toss in my way. I thought I was doing pretty well. But then I realized I am still playing the tomorrow game. This is like when I say to myself, 'I will eat better tomorrow' or, 'I will exercise tomorrow'. I'm sure we all know how that goes. But I thought I was done with that. I was surprised when I found myself thinking just the other day, "When I am at my goal I won't be eating like this". That is exactly-the-same as the tomorrow game. I never even realized I was doing it still. There are still some things I am doing that are sabotaging me, and I tell myself I will stop when I make it to my goal. HUH!?!?!? I am really glad that I spotted this trap. I am looking on the bright side here :) Now that I hear that voice I can shut it down!!! When I hear it I can stop it. I want to make a whole lifestyle change. I do not want to diet. That will not work for me. So I need to start eating the way I will be eating at my goal, now. I will live like I am thin and healthy, eat like I am thin and healthy and then guess what - I will BE thin and healthy!!! I am really glad I spotted that sneaky, backwards thinking. So from now on when I am about to eat something that I don't really want or when I am tempted to just sit by and wait for my goal to come to me I will stop and act. I am going to be more conscious and aware and I am going to live. I am going to move towards my goal and not wait for it to magically get here. I am going to do it. I am such a rambler, huh? I wonder if anyone else can even make sense out of what I am saying. Well I get it, at least :)

One more point for Cara - Yay me!!!