If It Is Important

I have no reasons or excuses for not posting this week. I mean, I could probably give a bunch ;) 
But really, I just didn't do it, and that's it. 
Next week I want to get my weight posted on Tuesday.  If it is really important to me I will do it. 
Anyway my weight on Tuesday was 148.92 lbs. 
I guess it is safe to say I maintained, since I lost about .022 lbs. 
I am not looking to maintain, I would really like to move along, but it is what it is. 
And, just like posting my weigh ins, if this is important to me I will do it!  No excuses!!! 
I have noticed that on weeks when I do my best and try harder I get results, and on weeks that I make excuses and don't really put in much effort........ 
I can do this, I just have to convince myself sometimes that I want to :)
It is all about working through the stuff in my head and then all the other stuff seems to fall into place.
I know it sounds really easy, it can be too.  I know the things that help me.  Affirmations, blogging, being a good friend to myself, being consistent, not making excuses!
A quote keeps popping up for me all over the place. 
It is :  "If it is important to you, you will find a way.  If not you'll find an excuse." 
So true!
So, let's give this another go, shall we :)

Weigh-In Day

Happy Tuesday :)
That means it is weigh in day, and I am happy to be keeping up with my posts!
My weight this morning was 148.94 lbs.
The scale is moving down, but I am not satisfied with how I feel.
I know that I can do better and feel better, so I think it is time to kick things up a notch and start working out again. I just feel so much better when I do.
Don't get me wrong, I am happy to see the scale moving down, but now, for me, it is more about how my body feels.
Right now I feel kind of sluggish, lazy, tired and flabby.  I am ready to feel fabulous again :)
So, because I am Cara, and because I like to keep things simple, I am going to do what works for me :)
I will be doing one of the following everyday: 30 minutes of Wii Fit Plus or The Horrible and Dreaded 30 Day Shred.  Gotta love Jillian :) 
I am sure we all know which one I will choose most days, for a while at least ;) 
That's it, nothing crazy or drastic.  I usually find that just doing one of these two every day gets me moving in so many other ways.  I feel better all around, and it feels easy.  So, I like :)
That's all for today!

Weigh-In Day

Tuesday is here again, and so it is weigh-in day.
I am really happy to be back to posting. Even if it has only been keeping my weight updated it still feels good :)
This morning my weight was down again and I feel like I am doing pretty well.
I am working through the head stuff and, as usual, my weight reflects that :)
I know what works for me and right now I am working it.
I have been feeling the burning desire to work out (it hits me every so often). Crazy, I know ;)
It is flickering and I am just going to have to jump in and get to it.
Right now I am just concentrating on my food, but I know that the ball is starting to roll and I am feeling so glad to get going again.
Anyway, enough rambling, on to the weight.
This morning I am at 150.26 lbs.

Bye for now,

Weigh-In Day...

was yesterday, of course :)  But, I am posting my weight today, because apparently I am a procrastinator :) My weight yesterday was 151.36 lbs. It feels nice to be getting back on track and I am thinking of a few new ideas and goals. That's it for now. I just wanted to make sure to keep things updated :)
Bye for now,

Ready :)

Alrighty, I am officially updated:)
I have my weekly weigh-in posted, I updated my tracker, I am ready to go.
Oh, yeah, I did my Ticker too. I do have to admit that I winced a little when my Ticker jumped from 16.5 lbs left up to 22.7, but I am going to keep it real :)
Still feeling good!
I really had to drag myself into it this time, and fake it for a while.
But it is paying off, everyday I am a little more in control again, a little more confident, a little more......ready :)
That's all for tonight, still feeling groovy :)
Bye for now,

Weekly Weigh-In

I was just about to log off the internet when it suddenly occurred to me that:
1)  It is Tuesday
2)  I weighed myself this morning
3)  If I just post it on here really quick, right now, I will have started.
So here I am starting my weekly weigh-ins again :)
This morning my weight was down to 152.68 lbs. Not all the way back to my lowest, but who cares?
I am starting again and it feels good!!!

Bye for now,

Here I Go Again!!!

Hello :)
In the last month I have started many posts and not finished them.  I guess I have writer's block :)
I have been figuring some stuff out and maintaining my weight (with a little self-sabotage here and there). 
I really feel like I know myself like I never have before. I am really aware now. This makes some days hard, because I know that I am the main cause of my difficulties. But, in general every day is getting better and I am realizing more and more that I was in control all along.
I do have power and I am ready to get going again!!! 
I have realized that on the days I struggle it is usually because I am making things harder than they have to be.  If I stick to the basics and do simple things it all flows smoothly and I move along.  When I try to make huge changes and shake things up, or if I am hard on myself, I don't move at all. 
I am going to start reading back over some of my earlier post and begin again with the basics :)  I'll put my money where my mouth is and take some of my own advice!  It got me this far! 
I have a feeling that I am 'struggling' now because once I have gotten to my goal - then what?!?!?! 
I have to reassess my goals, come up with some new ones and get this bus moving again. 
I am more than ready to get going.
So far the plan is to start back up with my weekly weigh-ins.  I think it is time.  I will stick with Tuesdays, why not?  So next Tuesday will be weigh in day and I will keep it up until I reach my goal.
If I come up with any more plans I will keep you posted but for now it is going to be to keep it simple, be a great friend to myself, and just do it.

Bye for now,

Progress Pics - 50 lbs. Lost!!! :)

Hi again :)

I kept meaning to put progress pics up when I lost 40 lbs. and I never ended up doing it. 
I am not skipping it this time!  I have officially lost 50 lbs!!!  I am so excited! 
I have made it almost 75% of the way to my goal and as of this morning I only need to lose 18.94 lbs. to get there. 
WOW!!! 
It almost seems unbelievable to me. 

Anyway here are some pics:

 My daughter says I am making a weird face in this one, she's right :)

I am feeling really great! 

Kind of all brand new, and I like it :)  

I know that I am doing this and I know that I am going to be at my goal soon.  

It feels really nice.

So Excited!!!

I am really excited right now!
I have had a pretty long and difficult summer and I am still working through some stuff.  Hard stuff! But I am doing really well with my weight loss, and that is amazing!
In the old days when I was in any sort of emotional discomfort my weight would reflect that - and not in a good way! 
I have been feeling pretty low for the last few months and I am still sticking to my goals.  I still mess up, but in general I have stuck to it.  This is huge!!!
And it is paying off!
Last night I got into my wedding dress, and zipped it up!  I was shocked! 
That has been a goal of mine ever since I started gaining this weight, and I did it!
Then I weighed myself this morning and finally, finally, the Wii said my weight was NORMAL!!!
I have been waiting for this day since I first stepped on that balance board and was told that I was obese.  I did it!!!
I know that I haven't been blogging a lot and I know that I have been stumbling, I almost didn't post this because I hate it to seem like I only write when I am happy with my weight.
But I am excited and happy and I like the feeling. 
I am going to keep it going!
I really do want to dig into some of the crap that I was dealing with this summer and I do want to write a post about depression, but today I am excited.
So this is it :)

Bye for now,

Taking Out The Garbage

I am so glad I finally sat down and blogged the other day.
I know that my post was moody and depressing and rambly, but it helped me to get it down.
I keep reading it over and it is a lot of stuff that I didn't even know I was feeling.
In my head I was getting frustrated and feeling overwhelmed. I was over analyzing, and going around in circles, and basically just making things harder for myself. Sometimes I do that ;)
I needed to take out the garbage and start fresh.
Nothing is ever as hard as I make it seem in my head. Not even close. Plus, am I really thinking of quitting? No!!! Not even a little.
Things are confusing right now, and I feel like I am on fast forward sometimes, but I know that I am heading in the right direction for me.
Change is good, I know this :) I read this quote today on facebook and it seemed really fitting right now:

"Change - It has the power to uplift, to heal, to stimulate, surprise, open new doors, bring fresh experience and create excitement in life. Certainly it is worth the risk." 
~ Leo Buscaglia

I know this.  I know that it is worth it, and I am going to keep moving forward :)

Happy Friday everyone :)

Choices, Changes And Other Scary Things :)

I feel like I don't know who I am sometimes.
I feel scared.
I am really tired of it.

My moods are all over the place and it is so frustrating. 
On good days I am positive and moving forward and I feel like I can face anything because I am heading in the right direction.  I know that I am strong and capable.  I am doing it.  I am making it easy for myself and I am feeling great! 
On bad days...not so much.

I feel like I am under a microscope, I am over analyzing  everything. 
I have learned a lot about myself and why I behave the way I do.  So, when I am in a bad place and being really self destructive, I am aware enough now that I can see myself doing it.  You would think that that would make it easier, right?  I can see myself eating because someone hurt my feelings, or because I am pissed off (more likely lately) or I can see myself picking a fight with my husband and I know what is going on, so I stop, right?  Ummmmmm - NO!!!!  Not me.  I keep right on being self destructive and I continue the cycle. 

I have made so many changes. 
A lot of them are easy to see :) 
But most of them are not.  Most of them are inside of me. 
I feel like I have to work on my inside stuff and the outside stuff will work itself out accordingly ;) 

Because of all these changes I find myself looking around sometimes and wondering who's life this is.
Can it really be mine? 
I can hardly explain it, but the Cara I was a year ago liked to hide.  It seems that my whole life has been engineered so that I could hide away from the world.  The weight, the fact that I chose to stay at home after I had my kids, the fact that I let all of my friends drift away over the years.  I turned my home into a very quiet hiding place, now it seems like a really comfortable cage. 

I am not that girl.  I am not! 

I don't want to hide, I don't want to be alone all the time.  I don't even like t.v. anymore!  I don't even know that girl.  I tried to explain to my husband that it would be like letting someone else pick out your whole life and then you just move into it.  It sounds mean though.  I sound ungrateful and, I am worried, crazy! 
How can I feel like this?  I am the same person, aren't I? 
Sometimes I feel so confused that I have no words and I am quiet. 

As I write this out I hear how weird it sounds, but I am also starting to figure it out.  When I typed the words 'I am not that girl'  it sort of clicked.
I keep feeling like I have a choice right now. 
I can go back to the way things were and back to that girl who fits into this life comfortably or I can keep moving on and adjust my life accordingly. 
Pretty obvious, now that it's out there like that :) 

Either way I chose it is going to be a struggle. 
To go back would be horrible.  To feel that way again.  So miserable, so alone, so sad.  But it would have it's perks too.  All I can eat, really!  I know it works for me, it must have.  I can slide back in so easily, I know how it all goes. 
To keep moving on, though.  That will be hard and scary for different reasons, but still hard and scary.  For starters, I do not like change.  Even good changes freak me out a bit. 
I am new at this confidence thing, it takes confidence to change and grow and move forward. 
What if my husband and I grow apart as I change? 

I know that this is really sounding ridiculous, it is to me now :) 
But these are all of the things that are swirling around in my brain. 
Obviously I do have a choice, but I probably don't have to make it the big thing that I have been.  It is a decision that I have to keep making everyday and over time, just as always, things will start to work their way to where they are supposed to be. 

So, anyway...that was a bit of a rambler, huh? 
I am a little embarrassed to post this one, but I am gonna keep it real :) 
I think I may have a pretty good handle on what is going on now, anyways. 
So that is good!
 
I hope your days are sunny and a lot less complicated than I make mine :)
Bye for now,
 

Am I Struggling?

I was thinking about this earlier.
I have been eating a bit more junk food than usual lately.  I feel a little tighter in the waist area.  It is that time of the month, but I am pretty sure that junk food is the culprit.
So anyway, I was standing in the kitchen just now, and I was wondering - 'Am I struggling?'
I have been having this thought a lot over the last week or so.  It pops into my head and out again just as quickly.  Just an annoying little blip.  Something to be easily quieted with a cookie...or three.
But just now, when that question popped into my head, I stopped.  I thought.  And I had a flash of what 'struggling' feels like.  The 'accidental' overeating, the guilt, the shame, the anger, the stomach aches ;) 
Did I really want that?  Do I really want that?
Do I prefer feeling that way?
Ummmmmmmm......NO!!!
If I choose to struggle, then I am choosing those consequences.  I choose to feel awful.
Over the last week or so, when I would wonder if I was struggling, I would recall the three cookies I ate earlier, or the extra snack, or whatever and I would think - "Yes, I am struggling", and so I did.  That question started the cycle each time.  It was kind of like I was giving myself permission to fail.
I don't know what caused all of this to flash into my head just now.  I am just glad that it did.  I am glad that I stopped and really thought about it.
Am I struggling?
Of course not!
I am choosing to not struggle.
I so much prefer to not struggle.  I feel better.  I feel fabulous.  I feel more confident, I sleep better, I am so much happier, plus - I lose weight!!!
So, of course, I am not struggling.  Just in case you were wondering ;)
Is it that easy?
I really think it can be!

Bye for now,

Weird!

I know I have a post in this head somewhere and I am going to type until it comes out :)

I have been noticing a huge difference in the way people treat me lately. Does this happen to you too? I feel like everyone around me is treating me differently. Some people seem to think I am some sort of 'Diet Guru' or something, and they want to know my "secret". I hate this! Not because I don't want to be helpful, but because it seems like no matter what I say it is always the opposite of helpful.

If I start talking about positive thinking and visualizing I can seriously see their eyes glazing over. I am sure I sound like a crazy person and the conversation is almost always uncomfortable.

I have had people tell me that I look really good, but kind of in an accusatory way. If that makes sense. Some try to explain to me why it is harder for them to do it, almost like I am judging them - which I would never do! I still feel the same inside, but I am treated SO differently. It is a little surreal.

I am sure everyone that is losing weight deals with this, but it is not at all like I expected it to be. I thought that everyone around me would be happy for me and supportive, and a lot are. But some people seem to be really uncomfortable around me now. It makes me feel bad sometimes.

It just occurred to me that the old Cara would use this as an excuse to quit. Something like "hey, you are drawing attention to yourself", or "you are making people uncomfortable, you should stop". I will not! But I wish that I was better at dealing with these changes. It seems like right now my body is changing faster than my mind or something.

I still have self esteem issues, shocking I know :) I feel like the fat girl and everyone is treating me like I am someone else, it is hard to wrap my head around. I usually feel like I am stumbling along, and making it up as I go and suddenly I am treated like I have all the answers. Weird!

Well, that's it for now I guess. I almost feel like I am being mean or something if I post this. But it is where I am at right now, so it is getting posted.

Happy Saturday :)

Weigh-In Day

Hello.
I am here on weigh in day, it's like a miracle or something :)
I updated my weekly weight chart and my weight today is 161.48 lbs.
I am ready to go!
My weight has gone up and down a bit in the last month.  I let stress consume me and than I, in turn, consumed too much :)  That's something I do sometimes still I guess. Yuck!!! But good to know.
Anyway, I wanted to get a post done today before I hop into bed. I am so tired. It is a good tired though :)
It has nothing to do with stress or drama and everything to do with physical activity. Yay!!! :) It feels good.
I'll be back soon!

Bye for now,

Weigh-In Day

I got my Wii problem sorted out, so I have updated my weight chart.
I was really surprised with my weight this morning. I am down to 161.26 lbs. Which means somehow in the last week I lost 4.18 lbs! Huh? I do not even know how that makes sense, but that is what happened.
I have noticed lately that no matter how bad I think I am doing, I am actually not really gaining anything. I am pretty good at maintaining now. That makes me happy, because I think it means that I am learning how to eat properly. Well I am not going to over analyze it....much ;)
I am sure when I get back into the swing of exercising regularly again the scale will slow down, but that's okay. I am not so worried about the numbers anymore. I know that I am moving in the right direction.
For me the hard part is working through my junk and convincing myself to just do it! Once I decide it seems so easy. That's it for now.
Happy Tuesday :)
Oh, and I guess that means I better take my 40 lb. progress pic now! I will get it done a.s.a.p. this time - for reals!!! :)

Bye for now,

Chaos, Drama, And My Default Mode

I think my default mode is set to 'self-destruct' :)
Seriously!
Things will be going fine, fantastic even and then (seemingly out of nowhere) chaos and drama erupt. I used to always wonder "Why do these things happen to me?" or "What did I do to deserve this?".
Now I know that these things aren't 'just happening', I am making them happen. I can actually watch the whole process unfold, if I take the time to pay attention.
It is crazy, really!
Why?
The only conclusion I can come up with is that I am still not 100% convinced that I deserve happiness.
It is like I hit my peak happiness level then I stop and freak out a little and go into self destruct mode. When I say peak happiness level - or PHL from now on :) I mean the amount of happiness I feel like I should be allowed (depending on how hard I worked for it) or the amount that I deserve.
I was not aware that I was doing this until recently. A few weeks ago things were going so well.  Everything was fabulous!  Everything!!!  Then I started to think things like 'Why are things going so well?' and 'how can I maintain this'.  And, seriously, it's like I just started to dismantle my own happiness.
Weirdness!
I over analyzed, I questioned and I took a whole bunch of steps backwards.
I think I am a little afraid to move on or something.
I feel like I am at a really huge turning point right now.
I feel like a whole different person and I am sort of having trouble getting my head around all of these changes.
Everyone is noticing that I have lost weight now. It seems like in the last month every person I see tells me how fantastic I look. That is definitely a great thing, but it also usually makes me freak out. In the past it is usually enough to make me gain weight. Not anymore!  I have stopped doing that at least :) I am aware of it now, and I think I know what it is all about.
I think that maybe I am just not used to feeling so good and my self destructive side is saying 'Hey, what's going on here? Why are you happy and smiling all the time? That's not right! That's not normal!' and I pull back and....well, chaos and drama enter the picture.
I am glad I can see it happening now. I am glad that I am not playing the victim anymore, but I am really wondering if my self destructive tendencies will ever be gone.
I don't think so!
I thought in the beginning that this journey was going to be about food, but it really isn't. It is about me deciding that I love myself enough to choose happiness, to choose good things.
Consistently!
I need to keep choosing happiness until that is my default setting and I need to learn to accept the good and stop questioning it.
Of course I deserve to be happy. I deserved to be happy all along. I am just not 100% comfortable claiming it yet, I suppose.
So the plan is: blog, blog and blog some more :) It seems to be what works.
I think it is pretty obvious that I have a lot of turmoil going on inside, because my thoughts are all fighting to be set free and I can't entirely keep up with them. Hopefully as I let them out they will start to be more sensible, but for now I will just write.
I am feeling really good right now, I will just start with baby steps again and work this through.
Anyway, that's all for now.  Thank goodness, right :)  That was a long one!  Hopefully some of it made sense :)  Even if it didn't I feel better, so that is good.

Bye for now,


P.S. I am going to have to update my weight chart when my husband gets home. I am having trouble with the Wii, but I didn't forget :)  If he can get it figured out I will have it all up to date for tomorrows weigh in!

Progress Pic - 30 Pounds Lost (Finally Posted)

Good Morning :)
Thankfully it is a good morning here.  I think we are almost through with the flu, or whatever it was.  Both kids are feeling much better today, YAY!!! 
I finally got my thirty pound progress pic onto here so I figured I would put it up today.  I better, I am sure forty will be pretty soon now :) 
I am feeling good and I am glad to be getting on with my challenge, I will post back later today when I am really done day three :)  Promise! 
I realized some exciting things this morning.  I have lost 6.2 points on my b.m.i. and I only need to go down 2.9 more to be at a 'normal' weight.  It seems like I was just getting excited because I was out of the obese category, and now I feel like I am so close to the normal weight range. 
So exciting!  So surreal actually :)  I can hardly believe it. 
Anyway here is my progress pic:

When I was putting it on the computer last night my husband said, "You already look so much different than you did then"  I think I believe him.  I am a little excited to put up my next pic because I am finally seeing a change. 
Well that's it for now, I'll be back later to fill you in on my challenge progress!

Bye for now,

Weigh-In Day/Half Way To Goal!!!

Hello! 
I am back on a Tuesday again, so it would seem that I am getting my junk together :) 
Yay! 
This morning's weigh in was quite a surprise for me.  You may have noticed that I have been struggling.  I have been really making this harder than it has to be, I am good at that ;) 
Anyway, because of the struggle - and the fact that I have had to keep stopping myself from overeating, I figured this would be a pretty scary week.  According to the scale anyway. 
But no, I guess I am finally pulling ahead a bit. 
My weigh in this morning was 166.76 lbs, so I have lost 1.98 lbs this week.   
Plus, I didn't realize this until I updated my ticker just now, I AM OFFICIALLY OVER HALF WAY TO MY GOAL!!!!!!!  Wooooo Hooooo!!! 
Sorry about the yelling ;)  I just got a little excited. 
So, for future reference:  "Cara, no matter how badly you are doing, no matter how much junk you have given into and no matter how much you want to give up - DON'T!!!  It is never too late to stop and choose better.  You had to do it over and over and over again the last couple of weeks, and it was hard, but it was doable.  You did it!  Keep doing it!  Oh and you are Awesome :)"
I never before thought I could stop myself in the middle of one of these downward spirals, but I did.  A lesson learned!  That is a good thing.
I started my own two week challenge yesterday.  I haven't posted it yet and usually that would be a good excuse not to start, but I am going to do it backwards this time :)  I did a really great workout, and it felt fabulous!  I will be back to post the details, today is day two. 

Gotta go for now, bye!

Weigh-In Day

Hello!  Today is Tuesday, and here I am again!  Two weeks in a row, wow :)  My weigh in this morning was less fantastic than I had hoped for, but I knew it was going to be a gain, so I am not surprised.  I am at 168.74 lbs.  It's not the number that I am worried about.  It is the fact that I can still get so caught up in my self destructive behaviours.  It is frustrating sometimes.  You may have noticed from my last post that I was feeling a bit frustrated :)  It doesn't happen too often any more, thankfully!  But when it does, it is awful.  I am feeling really good right now and I am ready to move forward.  I will be posting about my personal challenge soon.  I am feeling stuck and I am not going to settle for it.  I can sit here and wait until I feel motivated or I can move now!  Anyway that is all for now.  I'll be back soon to post about my challenge :)

Bye for now,

STOP!!!

I am having trouble right now.
I am annoyed just writing those words and I am so not in the mood to even talk about it.  I am angry!  Seriously, just completely tired of this merry go round.  I hate it!  A lot!
So, you may wonder why I am writing then.  I am writing because it crossed my mind earlier that I could just skip my weigh in on Tuesday, and nobody would even know.  It wouldn't really matter.  Anyone reading my blog will only know what I tell them, right?  One time.  I can skip it one time and it will be okay.
And when I realized what I was thinking it scared me. Thankfully, I am writing.  Because that little voice is really sneaky and she almost had me convinced, but I am not lying to myself anymore.  I am not a liar, so the fact that I was considering it said a lot to me.  It made me stop!  That girl inside me, the fat one, the scared one?  She is pretty desperate right now.  And she should be!  Because she is losing.
I am going to post this and I am going to hold myself accountable.  I made bad decisions this week.  Really, really bad ones!  I almost threw in the towel.
But here is what I did differently.
I stopped!
I am taking a breather, and I am really thinking about what I plan to do.  I can eat and I can be the victim and I can lie to everyone or I can stop and choose better.  That's it!
I do not want to post this.  It is a mess, and I know my weigh in on Tuesday will probably be a train wreck, but I am stopping now.  I am not going to journey around that 'crazy circle' again! :)  I will be honest and own up and move on.
I will not give this negativity any more power.
I am learning something here :)
I don't need the lesson repeated.
I will do this!

Bye for now,