If It Is Important

I have no reasons or excuses for not posting this week. I mean, I could probably give a bunch ;) 
But really, I just didn't do it, and that's it. 
Next week I want to get my weight posted on Tuesday.  If it is really important to me I will do it. 
Anyway my weight on Tuesday was 148.92 lbs. 
I guess it is safe to say I maintained, since I lost about .022 lbs. 
I am not looking to maintain, I would really like to move along, but it is what it is. 
And, just like posting my weigh ins, if this is important to me I will do it!  No excuses!!! 
I have noticed that on weeks when I do my best and try harder I get results, and on weeks that I make excuses and don't really put in much effort........ 
I can do this, I just have to convince myself sometimes that I want to :)
It is all about working through the stuff in my head and then all the other stuff seems to fall into place.
I know it sounds really easy, it can be too.  I know the things that help me.  Affirmations, blogging, being a good friend to myself, being consistent, not making excuses!
A quote keeps popping up for me all over the place. 
It is :  "If it is important to you, you will find a way.  If not you'll find an excuse." 
So true!
So, let's give this another go, shall we :)

Keeping It Up!!!

I did my 1/2 hour workout again yesterday and, no surprise, I felt fantastic!!!
I haven't yet today, but it is definitely going to happen.
I had a visit yesterday.
With someone who I like very much and who I have had quite a few really interesting discussions with. Usually after this person leaves I pull out everything I said and analyze it and criticize myself and just, plain, feel like crap!
Yesterday I chose not to do this. I chose to look at everything I said and be kind to myself.  I chose to be a friend to me.  I used to compare myself and come up lacking. 
This time I just chose to be me. 
I really believe that every person comes into our lives for a reason.
Yesterday my interaction with this person did a crazy thing for me.  I am not sure how, but it was like I was able to just stop and observe myself without criticism or judgment and see how I had really gotten back into the habit of hurting myself.  With my thoughts.  With my words.
I thought I was past it and yesterday a light was shined.  That seems to be happenning a lot lately :) 
You know why?  I am sure the light was there all along, but now I am looking for it, now I am ready to see it.
Before I would have spent wasted time analyzing words that I can't take back anyway, today I am just grateful that I feel more awake again, more me. 
That may have been confusing :)  I get rambly when I am trying to work stuff through. 
But little by little I am unraveling this issue again. 
I am happy to do it. 
I am just, really feeling grateful today.  It is so nice.  Life is better when I live it with gratitude :)

Frustrated and Other Crap

Hi. I have been meaning to get on for a while and post, but I haven't for two reasons. Reason #1 is that my computer is being a huge P.I.T.A. and reason #2 is that I am in a crappy place right now. Really crappy! I hate this!!! Why do I make it so hard? I am hoping it is almost over and really trying to move myself onto my happy place :) But it feels a bit like depression. Ugh! I am sure it must mean I am going to have a huge breakthrough or something, at least that is what the tiny bit of positive thinking I have left is telling me. In the past, whenever it gets really hard it means I am working through a huge thing. So if I keep it up I will learn something and grow, right? But I am tired. I hate the struggle today. I know I am being mopey and doing this to myself. I am aware. I just really feel like it is too much. I did weigh myself on Tuesday and woohoo I gained 1.54 lbs. I am up to 186.56 lbs. It is that t.o.m. so that could explain a few things, but even a small gain is enough to really bother me when I am in the place of crap. I think this all has something to do with 20 lbs. For some reason my mind has some kind of block set up. It keeps saying things like "you can't lose 20 lbs - you never have!" or "you don't have what it takes", plus a lot more crap. I can't seem to force myself over the 20 lb mark. I have even gotten up to 21 lbs lost (between my weekly weigh-ins), but I am always back below the 20 lb mark when my weigh in day comes around. I am doing it on purpose!!!! I am sabotaging myself! Crap! Crappity crap! If there happen to be any readers out there - sorry for the depressing stuff, and also for the excessive use of the word crap :) I am sure it will be over soon. I am still not giving up, I just feel like it. Not loving the journey this week, but I still know it is so worth it, so that is something. On a much better note, I had an amazing time with my husband when we went away. I wish we could go again right now. I am going to be a good friend to myself and work through this - even if I would rather just kick my own ass. Well I am off for now. I have some plans and ideas running around in my head.

Bye for now,

Bumpy Road

I am having such a hard time right now. I know that this is normal and I thought I was ready for it...but I wasn't. I am soooo frustrated right now. I am angry and irritable. It does not help that it it my t.o.m. - grrrrrrr!!! I have been having some mid-sized binges lately. I say mid-sized because it wasn't as bad as it can get, but it definitely counted. I have been gaining weight one day and losing it the next. I know this because my trusty Wii Fit Plus :) tells me every morning. But who am I kidding, I already know. It is like a battle is going on inside of me. I guess there kind of is. The fat girl in me is scared to get lost and the skinny girl in me is tired of hiding. Fatty always wins! She does not play fair. It feels like every reason I have for being fat - 'cause trust me, fat works for me - is coming up and I am feeling so many things that I hate right now. I am angry at my husband for something that happened seven years ago. Ugh! Seriously, I thought I dealt with this crap already!!! I guess not. It seems like I am fat partly because I am punishing him, how messed up is that?!?!?!? It's like I am staying fat because he deserves a fat wife. How do I get past this without bringing up ancient crap I don't even want to think about? Any ideas? Just kidding - I know I have to figure it out by myself. That is part of the journey, I guess! And I WILL figure it out. Because I am sick and tired of giving up. I am not starting again. This is it! No excuses! I can do this, I will! If tomorrow brings another gain I will just get rid of it again. It's hard right now, but even already on this journey I have felt such good feelings that I know it is going to be worth it. Definitely worth it in the end :)

Hope your journey is easier than mine today :) Happy Friday!