If It Is Important

I have no reasons or excuses for not posting this week. I mean, I could probably give a bunch ;) 
But really, I just didn't do it, and that's it. 
Next week I want to get my weight posted on Tuesday.  If it is really important to me I will do it. 
Anyway my weight on Tuesday was 148.92 lbs. 
I guess it is safe to say I maintained, since I lost about .022 lbs. 
I am not looking to maintain, I would really like to move along, but it is what it is. 
And, just like posting my weigh ins, if this is important to me I will do it!  No excuses!!! 
I have noticed that on weeks when I do my best and try harder I get results, and on weeks that I make excuses and don't really put in much effort........ 
I can do this, I just have to convince myself sometimes that I want to :)
It is all about working through the stuff in my head and then all the other stuff seems to fall into place.
I know it sounds really easy, it can be too.  I know the things that help me.  Affirmations, blogging, being a good friend to myself, being consistent, not making excuses!
A quote keeps popping up for me all over the place. 
It is :  "If it is important to you, you will find a way.  If not you'll find an excuse." 
So true!
So, let's give this another go, shall we :)

GRRRRR!!!

I am thinking of shutting my blog down, or making it private, or taking some other drastic action right now.  So, I will probably give it some time, cool off, and then decide what to do.  The day after my last post I went to sign in to my blog and was told that Google had shut me down because they didn't believe I was older than 13.  They said I had changed my birthday (I didn't), so I am a little concerned that someone else may have had access to my account.   It has taken me all this time to get the situation straightened out.  There have been a couple of other issues, mainly a spammy comment situation that had me worried, and right now I am not feeling too confident about this blogging thing :)  Anyway, I just wanted to post about where I, and my blog, have been.  It was really upsetting to think that all of the posts I had written and all of my tracking was gone.  On another note I have been keeping track of my weight and I am maintaining.  I am pretty sure I will be back but for right now....grrrrrr!!! :)

Bye for now,

Taking Out The Garbage

I am so glad I finally sat down and blogged the other day.
I know that my post was moody and depressing and rambly, but it helped me to get it down.
I keep reading it over and it is a lot of stuff that I didn't even know I was feeling.
In my head I was getting frustrated and feeling overwhelmed. I was over analyzing, and going around in circles, and basically just making things harder for myself. Sometimes I do that ;)
I needed to take out the garbage and start fresh.
Nothing is ever as hard as I make it seem in my head. Not even close. Plus, am I really thinking of quitting? No!!! Not even a little.
Things are confusing right now, and I feel like I am on fast forward sometimes, but I know that I am heading in the right direction for me.
Change is good, I know this :) I read this quote today on facebook and it seemed really fitting right now:

"Change - It has the power to uplift, to heal, to stimulate, surprise, open new doors, bring fresh experience and create excitement in life. Certainly it is worth the risk." 
~ Leo Buscaglia

I know this.  I know that it is worth it, and I am going to keep moving forward :)

Happy Friday everyone :)

Feeling Fabulous!!!

I have not been posting very much at all lately, but I refuse to feel bad about it :) Because, I am feeling really fabulous!
I am maintaining right now, but I am so happy with where my head is.

I am having a lot of fun playing with clothes and putting new outfits together. This has really been helping to keep me on track. Who knew clothes could be so fun and motivating?!? I am eating really well and I am squeezing exercise in wherever I can. Doing lots of fun and active family stuff!
Things are going really well and I am happy. So, how can I feel bad about not blogging?

Right now I am just focusing on family and working around the house. I am on a mission to de-clutter. Not just the places that are seen (the way I usually do) I mean I have been attacking the clutter everywhere. In every. single. closet. It feels really good. I am letting go of a lot of stuff. I am feeling free and happy and pretty confident.

I am not going to try and figure out how to maintain this feeling (like last time).  I am just going to enjoy it, and go with it, and see where it leads me.

I guess I did have a little post in my head :)
I keep thinking that I don't really have much to write.

Anyway I haven't fallen off the face of the earth.
I am not doing really badly and hiding it (like in the past)
I am just happy, and busy, and moving along.

I hope to get writing more, but I am not going to make any guarantees or time limits.
I know how that ends up and I will not go there.

I am making good choices and just enjoying life.
It feels really good :)

Happy Tuesday!
(Oh, and that means it is weigh in day!  I will have to update my chart a.s.a.p. but nothing really exciting is happening in that particular area - happily maintaining for the time being)

Bye for now,

Chaos, Drama, And My Default Mode

I think my default mode is set to 'self-destruct' :)
Seriously!
Things will be going fine, fantastic even and then (seemingly out of nowhere) chaos and drama erupt. I used to always wonder "Why do these things happen to me?" or "What did I do to deserve this?".
Now I know that these things aren't 'just happening', I am making them happen. I can actually watch the whole process unfold, if I take the time to pay attention.
It is crazy, really!
Why?
The only conclusion I can come up with is that I am still not 100% convinced that I deserve happiness.
It is like I hit my peak happiness level then I stop and freak out a little and go into self destruct mode. When I say peak happiness level - or PHL from now on :) I mean the amount of happiness I feel like I should be allowed (depending on how hard I worked for it) or the amount that I deserve.
I was not aware that I was doing this until recently. A few weeks ago things were going so well.  Everything was fabulous!  Everything!!!  Then I started to think things like 'Why are things going so well?' and 'how can I maintain this'.  And, seriously, it's like I just started to dismantle my own happiness.
Weirdness!
I over analyzed, I questioned and I took a whole bunch of steps backwards.
I think I am a little afraid to move on or something.
I feel like I am at a really huge turning point right now.
I feel like a whole different person and I am sort of having trouble getting my head around all of these changes.
Everyone is noticing that I have lost weight now. It seems like in the last month every person I see tells me how fantastic I look. That is definitely a great thing, but it also usually makes me freak out. In the past it is usually enough to make me gain weight. Not anymore!  I have stopped doing that at least :) I am aware of it now, and I think I know what it is all about.
I think that maybe I am just not used to feeling so good and my self destructive side is saying 'Hey, what's going on here? Why are you happy and smiling all the time? That's not right! That's not normal!' and I pull back and....well, chaos and drama enter the picture.
I am glad I can see it happening now. I am glad that I am not playing the victim anymore, but I am really wondering if my self destructive tendencies will ever be gone.
I don't think so!
I thought in the beginning that this journey was going to be about food, but it really isn't. It is about me deciding that I love myself enough to choose happiness, to choose good things.
Consistently!
I need to keep choosing happiness until that is my default setting and I need to learn to accept the good and stop questioning it.
Of course I deserve to be happy. I deserved to be happy all along. I am just not 100% comfortable claiming it yet, I suppose.
So the plan is: blog, blog and blog some more :) It seems to be what works.
I think it is pretty obvious that I have a lot of turmoil going on inside, because my thoughts are all fighting to be set free and I can't entirely keep up with them. Hopefully as I let them out they will start to be more sensible, but for now I will just write.
I am feeling really good right now, I will just start with baby steps again and work this through.
Anyway, that's all for now.  Thank goodness, right :)  That was a long one!  Hopefully some of it made sense :)  Even if it didn't I feel better, so that is good.

Bye for now,


P.S. I am going to have to update my weight chart when my husband gets home. I am having trouble with the Wii, but I didn't forget :)  If he can get it figured out I will have it all up to date for tomorrows weigh in!

No More 'Spinning Tires', I'm Ready To 'Kick Up Some Mud'!!!

A while ago someone asked me if people from my 'real life' read my blog and if it influenced my writing. My answer was no. As far as I am aware nobody that I actually know reads my blog.  And I didn't think it would influence my writing if they did.

But I was wrong!

I am still not sure if anyone I 'know' reads, but I now know that my writing is influenced by my readers.

It has to be!

Because if I wasn't influenced by what my readers may think I would be posting a lot more. I would post more of the struggle, the way I did in the beginning.
The way I intended to post all along.  I would journal this whole journey - good and bad -  and I would let it all out.

I started this blog for me. I used it to sort out my feelings and issues where food is concerned and I used it to learn more about myself and grow. I left it open for others to read and I even mention it to people in my life. But I never really cared if anyone read or not.
I figured if they did that was good and fine, but ultimately this was for me.

Now I feel like I am being a downer if I post my garbage.  I feel like I should only post certain things.
This is a problem!

I am either going to do this or I am not. I obviously have to do it the way that works for me, so I have to continue this journey the way I started it.
I think that I must have been using this as an excuse for a while now.  Something like "Don't post this, nobody wants to read this", so instead I remain silent and (shockingly) I am not making any progress.

I need to get back to basics.  I need to get back to what works for me! 
It really occurred to me the other day that I can either have excuses or I can have results.  I am so tired of the excuses!

I am working through a lot of things right now and I need to write them out.  I am feeling a bit uncentered and out of control.  Like I don't know where to head next, and I want to work these things through.
I am tired of sitting here with my tires spinning!  So, I guess, I am going to kick up some mud and get myself out of this rut! :)

I do want to say that I love all of my readers and supporters and I have been more inspired by you guys than you will ever know.  So please understand, if I get depressing or moody, I am not doing it to bring anyone down.  I am doing it to work it through and get it out.  I feel like this is what works for me, and I am ready to move on now.

Oh, and if anyone stuck through this post 'til the end, thanks :)  I am sure it was a bit rambly and incoherent, but that's where I'm at right now I guess :)

I will be back tomorrow to update my weekly weigh in chart and start fresh.  Weigh-in Day is Tuesday and I am so ready to start year two of this journey!

Bye for now,

Is This A NSV? I Think So, and I Like It :)

I have been having a really hard time finding the words I want to use lately.  I sit down to blog, but nothing comes.  I have a lot of thoughts running through my head and I have a lot of stuff going on , I just can't seem to organize my thoughts into a post.  Things are going well.  I stumbled a bit in my efforts, but I am getting really good at picking myself up and moving forward again.  I am in a pretty good place, food-wise, and I am getting back into the swing of exercising - slowly, but surely :)  I think that it may help to get back into the habit of sitting down and writing.  Just writing whatever comes and letting it all flow.  It will probably be a lot of rambling, but maybe it will help to just let my thoughts loose.  I feel like they are all jumbled and messy right now.  I guess I need to start opening those boxes again ;)  Last night I realized something pretty huge.  I was looking in the mirror and I realized that I liked what I saw!!!  That is huge!  Huger than huge! :)  I don't even have the words to describe what a big deal this is for me.  I realized that for a while now I have been liking what I see, liking who I see.  It may be hard to understand, but before this I really cannot tell you when the last time I liked the reflection in the mirror.  I don't even remember - it has been so long.  I am liking all of me (inside and out) and it feels good.  I am stumbling, I am messing up, I am going slower than I wanted to and I still like me.  This realization is so big, that I feel like I could cry.  It amazes me that I keep thinking I am not doing good enough, and I have had this huge breakthrough.  I almost missed it!  I need to start recognizing how far I really have come.  I started this journey with a number in mind, and I am not there yet - but I have gained something much more valuable.  Love!  It feels so good.  I still want it all :)  The number, the feeling, all of it, but for now - this is amazing!  More than I really ever hoped for.  I didn't even know to hope for it, because I didn't know it was missing before, does that make sense? - See I told you there would be rambling ;)  I am going to get back to basics.  More affirmations, more gratitude, more writing!!!  I am so close to 35 lbs lost I can taste it, 0.1 lbs to go.  I am almost half way to my goal.  I am down to 169.18 lbs as of yesterday!  Half way will be at 167.03 lbs.  I am going to post now, I've run out of steam.

Bye for now,

Weigh-In Day

Hi :)  I have got to get back into the habit of blogging more often.  I feel like I am a little disconnected right now.  So, more blogging!  Anyway, today is weigh in day, so here I am again.  For some strange reason I wrote a post for last week and saved it but didn't post it, so I will just combine the two posts.  Last Tuesday I had a maintain again.  No change at all.  Today, though, I am down to 181.72 lbs.  I don't even really know how that happened, but I will take it.  The scale is finally moving again.  I had considered not weighing for the month of November, to get over this block I seem to have, but for now I think I will keep it up.  I plan to post more.  I usually feel like it is pointless to keep posting the same weight over and over.  But I am going to be persistent.  Nobody ever got anywhere by giving up!  Today I am down 3.3 more lbs. and I am happy about that.  Time to move forward.  I am so close to being overweight ;)  I cannot wait to be out of the obese category - I hate it here!  Anyway, that is it for now.  Happy Tuesday!

Bye for now,

A Little Freak Out!

Okay, Grrrrrr!!! I am FREAKING OUT!!! Ever since my sister asked if I wanted to do the challenge for the month of June I have felt a little out of control. I don't think I am doing really badly or anything, but I can't seem to maintain my focus. I am doing okay, but I have to work harder at it since we started this. She told me she has already lost 2 lbs. and my husband is sure that is why I am struggling. He is sure she is trying to make me lose confidence. I don't really agree. I am not sure what it is, and I am not giving anyone the power to make me lose confidence. Whether I win or lose or whether I gain or lose it is all on me. I am choosing to do this and if I give up I will be choosing to do that. So why am I freaking out? Maybe it has to do with the fact that I have been hiding for so long? Huh! Maybe it is as simple as that. Maybe I just don't ever give myself permission to get out there and be myself and try new things. So now I am just feeling a bit uncomfortable with the exposure? Does that make sense??? I guess in that case this could be a really great thing for me. I want to learn how to be out there. I want to be comfortable, so I guess this is a good step. OK, so, that's enough freaking out then. I can be focused........okay I will make an effort anyway :) Blogging has really been helping me. Even when I am not blogging myself I am reading all of the other amazing blogs out there. I am so glad I finally just did it. Hey, I guess starting this blog was a way that I really put myself out there. DUH!!! :) I guess if I am doing this the challenge with my sister should be a piece of cake. Okay, so get on with it already! So many times all I have to do is start typing and I figure something out. I feel like I am rambling again. I am going to make sure to write down everything I eat from now on. I know that I do better when I do this, and it is just silly not to take advantage of all the tools I have. Especially ones that I know work for me. I definitely feel better now. So here is my plan of action:

1) Write down everything I eat
2) CHILL OUT!!!
3) blog, blog, blog

Simple, huh?

Happy Friday everyone :)

P.S. I wrote 'piece of cake' and didn't think 'Hey, I want a piece of cake!' - I am truly amazing...LOL!!!