Keeping It Up!!!

I did my 1/2 hour workout again yesterday and, no surprise, I felt fantastic!!!
I haven't yet today, but it is definitely going to happen.
I had a visit yesterday.
With someone who I like very much and who I have had quite a few really interesting discussions with. Usually after this person leaves I pull out everything I said and analyze it and criticize myself and just, plain, feel like crap!
Yesterday I chose not to do this. I chose to look at everything I said and be kind to myself.  I chose to be a friend to me.  I used to compare myself and come up lacking. 
This time I just chose to be me. 
I really believe that every person comes into our lives for a reason.
Yesterday my interaction with this person did a crazy thing for me.  I am not sure how, but it was like I was able to just stop and observe myself without criticism or judgment and see how I had really gotten back into the habit of hurting myself.  With my thoughts.  With my words.
I thought I was past it and yesterday a light was shined.  That seems to be happenning a lot lately :) 
You know why?  I am sure the light was there all along, but now I am looking for it, now I am ready to see it.
Before I would have spent wasted time analyzing words that I can't take back anyway, today I am just grateful that I feel more awake again, more me. 
That may have been confusing :)  I get rambly when I am trying to work stuff through. 
But little by little I am unraveling this issue again. 
I am happy to do it. 
I am just, really feeling grateful today.  It is so nice.  Life is better when I live it with gratitude :)

Choices, Changes And Other Scary Things :)

I feel like I don't know who I am sometimes.
I feel scared.
I am really tired of it.

My moods are all over the place and it is so frustrating. 
On good days I am positive and moving forward and I feel like I can face anything because I am heading in the right direction.  I know that I am strong and capable.  I am doing it.  I am making it easy for myself and I am feeling great! 
On bad days...not so much.

I feel like I am under a microscope, I am over analyzing  everything. 
I have learned a lot about myself and why I behave the way I do.  So, when I am in a bad place and being really self destructive, I am aware enough now that I can see myself doing it.  You would think that that would make it easier, right?  I can see myself eating because someone hurt my feelings, or because I am pissed off (more likely lately) or I can see myself picking a fight with my husband and I know what is going on, so I stop, right?  Ummmmmm - NO!!!!  Not me.  I keep right on being self destructive and I continue the cycle. 

I have made so many changes. 
A lot of them are easy to see :) 
But most of them are not.  Most of them are inside of me. 
I feel like I have to work on my inside stuff and the outside stuff will work itself out accordingly ;) 

Because of all these changes I find myself looking around sometimes and wondering who's life this is.
Can it really be mine? 
I can hardly explain it, but the Cara I was a year ago liked to hide.  It seems that my whole life has been engineered so that I could hide away from the world.  The weight, the fact that I chose to stay at home after I had my kids, the fact that I let all of my friends drift away over the years.  I turned my home into a very quiet hiding place, now it seems like a really comfortable cage. 

I am not that girl.  I am not! 

I don't want to hide, I don't want to be alone all the time.  I don't even like t.v. anymore!  I don't even know that girl.  I tried to explain to my husband that it would be like letting someone else pick out your whole life and then you just move into it.  It sounds mean though.  I sound ungrateful and, I am worried, crazy! 
How can I feel like this?  I am the same person, aren't I? 
Sometimes I feel so confused that I have no words and I am quiet. 

As I write this out I hear how weird it sounds, but I am also starting to figure it out.  When I typed the words 'I am not that girl'  it sort of clicked.
I keep feeling like I have a choice right now. 
I can go back to the way things were and back to that girl who fits into this life comfortably or I can keep moving on and adjust my life accordingly. 
Pretty obvious, now that it's out there like that :) 

Either way I chose it is going to be a struggle. 
To go back would be horrible.  To feel that way again.  So miserable, so alone, so sad.  But it would have it's perks too.  All I can eat, really!  I know it works for me, it must have.  I can slide back in so easily, I know how it all goes. 
To keep moving on, though.  That will be hard and scary for different reasons, but still hard and scary.  For starters, I do not like change.  Even good changes freak me out a bit. 
I am new at this confidence thing, it takes confidence to change and grow and move forward. 
What if my husband and I grow apart as I change? 

I know that this is really sounding ridiculous, it is to me now :) 
But these are all of the things that are swirling around in my brain. 
Obviously I do have a choice, but I probably don't have to make it the big thing that I have been.  It is a decision that I have to keep making everyday and over time, just as always, things will start to work their way to where they are supposed to be. 

So, anyway...that was a bit of a rambler, huh? 
I am a little embarrassed to post this one, but I am gonna keep it real :) 
I think I may have a pretty good handle on what is going on now, anyways. 
So that is good!
 
I hope your days are sunny and a lot less complicated than I make mine :)
Bye for now,
 

Am I Struggling?

I was thinking about this earlier.
I have been eating a bit more junk food than usual lately.  I feel a little tighter in the waist area.  It is that time of the month, but I am pretty sure that junk food is the culprit.
So anyway, I was standing in the kitchen just now, and I was wondering - 'Am I struggling?'
I have been having this thought a lot over the last week or so.  It pops into my head and out again just as quickly.  Just an annoying little blip.  Something to be easily quieted with a cookie...or three.
But just now, when that question popped into my head, I stopped.  I thought.  And I had a flash of what 'struggling' feels like.  The 'accidental' overeating, the guilt, the shame, the anger, the stomach aches ;) 
Did I really want that?  Do I really want that?
Do I prefer feeling that way?
Ummmmmmmm......NO!!!
If I choose to struggle, then I am choosing those consequences.  I choose to feel awful.
Over the last week or so, when I would wonder if I was struggling, I would recall the three cookies I ate earlier, or the extra snack, or whatever and I would think - "Yes, I am struggling", and so I did.  That question started the cycle each time.  It was kind of like I was giving myself permission to fail.
I don't know what caused all of this to flash into my head just now.  I am just glad that it did.  I am glad that I stopped and really thought about it.
Am I struggling?
Of course not!
I am choosing to not struggle.
I so much prefer to not struggle.  I feel better.  I feel fabulous.  I feel more confident, I sleep better, I am so much happier, plus - I lose weight!!!
So, of course, I am not struggling.  Just in case you were wondering ;)
Is it that easy?
I really think it can be!

Bye for now,

Feeling Fabulous!!!

I have not been posting very much at all lately, but I refuse to feel bad about it :) Because, I am feeling really fabulous!
I am maintaining right now, but I am so happy with where my head is.

I am having a lot of fun playing with clothes and putting new outfits together. This has really been helping to keep me on track. Who knew clothes could be so fun and motivating?!? I am eating really well and I am squeezing exercise in wherever I can. Doing lots of fun and active family stuff!
Things are going really well and I am happy. So, how can I feel bad about not blogging?

Right now I am just focusing on family and working around the house. I am on a mission to de-clutter. Not just the places that are seen (the way I usually do) I mean I have been attacking the clutter everywhere. In every. single. closet. It feels really good. I am letting go of a lot of stuff. I am feeling free and happy and pretty confident.

I am not going to try and figure out how to maintain this feeling (like last time).  I am just going to enjoy it, and go with it, and see where it leads me.

I guess I did have a little post in my head :)
I keep thinking that I don't really have much to write.

Anyway I haven't fallen off the face of the earth.
I am not doing really badly and hiding it (like in the past)
I am just happy, and busy, and moving along.

I hope to get writing more, but I am not going to make any guarantees or time limits.
I know how that ends up and I will not go there.

I am making good choices and just enjoying life.
It feels really good :)

Happy Tuesday!
(Oh, and that means it is weigh in day!  I will have to update my chart a.s.a.p. but nothing really exciting is happening in that particular area - happily maintaining for the time being)

Bye for now,

Chaos, Drama, And My Default Mode

I think my default mode is set to 'self-destruct' :)
Seriously!
Things will be going fine, fantastic even and then (seemingly out of nowhere) chaos and drama erupt. I used to always wonder "Why do these things happen to me?" or "What did I do to deserve this?".
Now I know that these things aren't 'just happening', I am making them happen. I can actually watch the whole process unfold, if I take the time to pay attention.
It is crazy, really!
Why?
The only conclusion I can come up with is that I am still not 100% convinced that I deserve happiness.
It is like I hit my peak happiness level then I stop and freak out a little and go into self destruct mode. When I say peak happiness level - or PHL from now on :) I mean the amount of happiness I feel like I should be allowed (depending on how hard I worked for it) or the amount that I deserve.
I was not aware that I was doing this until recently. A few weeks ago things were going so well.  Everything was fabulous!  Everything!!!  Then I started to think things like 'Why are things going so well?' and 'how can I maintain this'.  And, seriously, it's like I just started to dismantle my own happiness.
Weirdness!
I over analyzed, I questioned and I took a whole bunch of steps backwards.
I think I am a little afraid to move on or something.
I feel like I am at a really huge turning point right now.
I feel like a whole different person and I am sort of having trouble getting my head around all of these changes.
Everyone is noticing that I have lost weight now. It seems like in the last month every person I see tells me how fantastic I look. That is definitely a great thing, but it also usually makes me freak out. In the past it is usually enough to make me gain weight. Not anymore!  I have stopped doing that at least :) I am aware of it now, and I think I know what it is all about.
I think that maybe I am just not used to feeling so good and my self destructive side is saying 'Hey, what's going on here? Why are you happy and smiling all the time? That's not right! That's not normal!' and I pull back and....well, chaos and drama enter the picture.
I am glad I can see it happening now. I am glad that I am not playing the victim anymore, but I am really wondering if my self destructive tendencies will ever be gone.
I don't think so!
I thought in the beginning that this journey was going to be about food, but it really isn't. It is about me deciding that I love myself enough to choose happiness, to choose good things.
Consistently!
I need to keep choosing happiness until that is my default setting and I need to learn to accept the good and stop questioning it.
Of course I deserve to be happy. I deserved to be happy all along. I am just not 100% comfortable claiming it yet, I suppose.
So the plan is: blog, blog and blog some more :) It seems to be what works.
I think it is pretty obvious that I have a lot of turmoil going on inside, because my thoughts are all fighting to be set free and I can't entirely keep up with them. Hopefully as I let them out they will start to be more sensible, but for now I will just write.
I am feeling really good right now, I will just start with baby steps again and work this through.
Anyway, that's all for now.  Thank goodness, right :)  That was a long one!  Hopefully some of it made sense :)  Even if it didn't I feel better, so that is good.

Bye for now,


P.S. I am going to have to update my weight chart when my husband gets home. I am having trouble with the Wii, but I didn't forget :)  If he can get it figured out I will have it all up to date for tomorrows weigh in!

STOP!!!

I am having trouble right now.
I am annoyed just writing those words and I am so not in the mood to even talk about it.  I am angry!  Seriously, just completely tired of this merry go round.  I hate it!  A lot!
So, you may wonder why I am writing then.  I am writing because it crossed my mind earlier that I could just skip my weigh in on Tuesday, and nobody would even know.  It wouldn't really matter.  Anyone reading my blog will only know what I tell them, right?  One time.  I can skip it one time and it will be okay.
And when I realized what I was thinking it scared me. Thankfully, I am writing.  Because that little voice is really sneaky and she almost had me convinced, but I am not lying to myself anymore.  I am not a liar, so the fact that I was considering it said a lot to me.  It made me stop!  That girl inside me, the fat one, the scared one?  She is pretty desperate right now.  And she should be!  Because she is losing.
I am going to post this and I am going to hold myself accountable.  I made bad decisions this week.  Really, really bad ones!  I almost threw in the towel.
But here is what I did differently.
I stopped!
I am taking a breather, and I am really thinking about what I plan to do.  I can eat and I can be the victim and I can lie to everyone or I can stop and choose better.  That's it!
I do not want to post this.  It is a mess, and I know my weigh in on Tuesday will probably be a train wreck, but I am stopping now.  I am not going to journey around that 'crazy circle' again! :)  I will be honest and own up and move on.
I will not give this negativity any more power.
I am learning something here :)
I don't need the lesson repeated.
I will do this!

Bye for now,

Weigh-In Day

Hello :) I am definitely in a better mood since my last "crappy" post, thank goodness! I am getting off of the self-pity bus and moving along. I have not been doing so great with my exercise or eating right now, but, if I am honest I know that it is because I am choosing not to do it right now. I am working on my emotional junk. I am not bingeing or anything, I am just letting it be for now and being kind to myself. I definitely have not found my happy medium yet, but that is what this journey is all about. I will find the balance. I feel good today, and really, what more could I ask for? Part of my problem is that I am too rigid. When I try something out, it is like I have set it in stone, and that is how I have to do it. That does not leave any room for trial and error, so obviously it doesn't work. I am moving ahead and the only definite I am going to place on myself is this: "I will definitely not give up on me!". I keep focusing on where I should be, or how I should be doing and I should really just delete that word from my vocabulary. I am going to be happy with my progress so far, because if I think about it I have been sticking with this since April 13th, and for me that is amazing. I am doing it, all this garbage is bound to come up, and guess what - I am still doing it. Today is weigh in day and I am at 184.58 lbs. I have been thinking about weighing in less frequently to see if that will work better for me, but so far I am undecided, so we will see. For now I am feeling good and learning. This is a good day!

Bye for now,


P.S. I am going to try something new and join in on a Blog Hop. I am not sure if it against the rules to use a post from a few days ago - hope not. Well, here I go...


It sounds like a good idea :)

2 Week Challenge - Day #7

Happy Friday everyone :) I am feeling a little bit fabulous today, and I am so very glad! I am so happy that I have been keeping up with my workouts and healthy eating plan. It has reinforced that I can do it, even if I don't feel like it. I noticed last night when I was doing my crunches (60/day for my challenge - remember??) that I can feel my stomach muscles!!!! Lately I have been getting off track because I was feeling unmotivated and maybe I was waiting for that feeling to come back. It was so silly of me. I need to choose to be motivated and I have to choose to do the best things for myself. This challenge has already been a gift to me. I have reinforced that I can bring that feeling of motivation and excitement back by just doing it!!! By exercising and eating healthier, even when I didn't feel like it, I am starting to feel great again. I am being motivated because I really like how I feel when I take care of myself! Every once in a while, when I am not getting "rewarded" (things like having someone notice, or the scale being nice) I slip back into bad behaviors. This challenge has gotten me into it again. I am feeling rewarded from my own hard work and I know I am in charge of how amazing I feel. It is a good thing I haven't given myself a time limit this time :) I will get there when I am ready. I am tired of this self-imposed prison sentence. I am ready to be free. It isn't even only the weight. It is my attitude. Or, I should say, it is mostly my attitude. I had this feeling for the longest time that life would begin when I got to my goal. I was so wrong. Life is happening all around me, and I just have to live it. I can be involved or not, I am the only one putting restrictions on me. I have been choosing to live lately and it is so nice. I am not all the way there for sure, but I really feel like this time I am headed in the right direction. I really recommend challenging yourself, it has been a huge eye opener for me. It has reinforced what I already know and also given me a bigger sense of control over my future. I can and will create the life I want. I am doing it every day and I am loving it. Hopefully I am out of my slump for a while, but even if I feel slumpy again:) - I will keep on going. Because it is so worth it and I am too!

I am sticking with yesterday's affirmation for today, it's a good one :) But if you would really like to be inspired go and check out the newest post at 266 - it is amazing and so inspiring!

Bye for now

2 Week Challenge - Day #2

Yesterday was awesome! I was 100%, completely, on track. We watched a movie and I made popcorn. I am not ruling anything out right now, just making better choices, so popcorn is okay. I had some, but I filled a small bowl from my husband's ginormous one (seriously?! ginormous is in the dictionary? - huh). Anyway I ate my bowl, and that was it. I had noticed on Wednesday and Thursday and Friday and Saturday that the scale was creeping upwards. Yikes!!! I was sure Tuesday's weigh in was going to be another disaster. But today, after just one day on plan, it stopped. It not only stopped, it went down!!! I knew that this challenge was a great idea. I have already done my hour on the Wii today. I just need to get my crunches done. Now I can't wait until Tuesday. Yesterday when I got on the scale it said 187.44 lbs. That is a gain of 2.64 lbs. in like four days! How is that even possible!?!? Salt, or something, maybe? Whatever - ewwww! This morning made me hopeful again, and it showed me that every little step in the right direction makes a huge difference. I can do this. I really know I can! Now I am just waiting for my after.

I am adding this song just because I love it today :)



I will be using these affirmations today:

- I love the feeling of making progress.
- I enjoy being healthy.
- I'm feeling happy today.

I found them on this site. They are pretty simple but they felt right today. I also found this quote on someone's facebook page this morning and it fit my feelings today exactly:

"When we feel stuck, going nowhere even -- even starting to slip backward -- we may actually be backing up to get a running start." ~ Dan Millman

Bye for now,

Do You Hate Skinny Girls???

I am reading back through a book I picked up a few months ago. It is called Secrets of a Former Fat Girl and it was written by Lisa Delaney. While I don't agree with the whole book, I thought there were some useful ideas in it, so I am skimming through it again. Anyway one thing bothered me the first time I read it, and today when I opened the book I was annoyed all over again. The very first sentence on the introduction page is "You don't know me, but you probably hate me." The reason I probably hate the author, according to her, is that she is a size 2, has run marathons, eats chocolate every day, etc., etc. This really bugs me. A lot! I do not hate skinny girls. It never occurred to me that I should. Why would I??? Because they make different choices than I do? Because they are cuter than me? I am completely aware of how I got here, to this size. I ate too much and I didn't move enough - or much at all! I chose to be fat, on some level. Assuming that I hate all skinny girls make it seem like, because I am fat, I am full of envy and/or jealousy. So not true!!! I am full of Doritos ;) Just kidding! But seriously, why would I hate someone because they chose differently than me? I don't get it. I am aware that some people do, hate out of jealousy, I am not completely naive. But I really feel like it is a huge waste of time. Time that I choose to spend on other, more productive, things. Such as finding my missing ankle bones, for example ;) So what about you? Do you hate skinny girls? Is there a club I should have joined? Just curious :)

Bye for now,