STOP!!!

I am having trouble right now.
I am annoyed just writing those words and I am so not in the mood to even talk about it.  I am angry!  Seriously, just completely tired of this merry go round.  I hate it!  A lot!
So, you may wonder why I am writing then.  I am writing because it crossed my mind earlier that I could just skip my weigh in on Tuesday, and nobody would even know.  It wouldn't really matter.  Anyone reading my blog will only know what I tell them, right?  One time.  I can skip it one time and it will be okay.
And when I realized what I was thinking it scared me. Thankfully, I am writing.  Because that little voice is really sneaky and she almost had me convinced, but I am not lying to myself anymore.  I am not a liar, so the fact that I was considering it said a lot to me.  It made me stop!  That girl inside me, the fat one, the scared one?  She is pretty desperate right now.  And she should be!  Because she is losing.
I am going to post this and I am going to hold myself accountable.  I made bad decisions this week.  Really, really bad ones!  I almost threw in the towel.
But here is what I did differently.
I stopped!
I am taking a breather, and I am really thinking about what I plan to do.  I can eat and I can be the victim and I can lie to everyone or I can stop and choose better.  That's it!
I do not want to post this.  It is a mess, and I know my weigh in on Tuesday will probably be a train wreck, but I am stopping now.  I am not going to journey around that 'crazy circle' again! :)  I will be honest and own up and move on.
I will not give this negativity any more power.
I am learning something here :)
I don't need the lesson repeated.
I will do this!

Bye for now,

Forgiveness and Weight Loss

I cannot let go of the past. Actually scratch that. I choose not to let go of the past.  I have done a lot of digging around inside of me. I have made a lot of progress. And I thought that I had moved on. By moved on I mean that I have accepted that what is in my past is done and over with, and that I know it only has as much power over me as I choose to give it.
I have moved on, for the most part. But there are still a few issues that I haven't gotten through or over yet.
I have some anger.
Who doesn't?
But I am tired of carrying it around with me. It is taking away too much of my energy. Energy that would be better spent on positive things, like achieving my goals.
I want to put it down, let it go, and walk away from it. Quickly :)
Most of my anger is directed at two people. One of those people is me and the other one is my mother. I am not even sure if the reasons for my anger are important. I know what it's all about.
I have made some progress.
I know that my mom did the best she could at the time. I also know that just because she didn't love me the way I wanted her to it doesn't mean she didn't love me. I get it. Well, the logical, rational part of me gets it. The emotional, irrational, angry part of me is still acting out like a child and being a sad little girl about it.
For the last little while I have been struggling a bit.
You may have noticed.  
Anyway, as I have been struggling along one word keeps popping up in my mind: forgive!
I have worked through forgiving in the past and it is definitely worth it. It has helped me to move forward and it has released a huge burden from me. I thought I was done, but for some reason I struggle with forgiving my mother and I struggle with forgiving myself.
I have been looking through some of my books and on the internet about this topic and I found a really good article about it here. In this article they give you some steps that can help you through the process.
I am definitely going to get started on this. I feel like it is time. I am ready to forgive and I am ready to move on.
I am sure this is the next step on my journey and I am excited to get this process going. It is like I can actually feel the physical weight of this burden that I am carrying around. I can almost taste the freedom that letting go brings with it.
It doesn't seem like a coincidence to me that I am stalled in my weight loss efforts right now.
This is a key, and I plan to use it. So for a little while I will be working this through and posting about the process.
That's it for today, I think it's a good start. 
If you have any ideas feel free to comment, I appreciate the help.

Bye for now,

Freaking Out!!!

So, I am freaking out a little.  It happens.  Not so much lately, but still sometimes.  I hate it.  The freaking out.  I hate the way I feel right now.  I am all stressed out because tomorrow is weigh in day and I am up a tiny bit.  I watched myself messing up.  It was all Cara-approved screwing up.  I seriously watched myself do it.  So why freak out?  I know this sounds rambly, cause hey - freaking out here!!!  I think I should probably delete this post and ignore the crap swirling around in my head right now, but I figured I would start writing and see what comes up.  When I am not doing so great and my date with the scale is getting closer I sabotage myself.  I guess I have this all or nothing attitude.  Kind of like "hey I already screwed this up, let's see how bad I can make it." - argh!  I am starting to get really tired of it.  Really.  Really.  Tired.  I guess that means I have an issue, huh?  Well duh!  But how do I move past it?  I am really taking a look at my actions, lately.  Not strictly food related stuff, just all of my 'life stuff'.  I can see how I react to things and lately I have been able to stop and observe my emotions before I react.  It has been a huge eye opener.  Kind of like I am not on automatic pilot anymore.  Like I am waking up.  I like it, but still this crappy self-sabotage.  So frustrating!  I think that maybe I want to have a problem.  Who am I if I am not the fat girl?  If I am not invisible anymore?  If I can't hide behind my weight?  Right now I am so tired of all of my excuses.  Like, once again two parts of me are fighting it out.  Sensible, ready-to-be-the-best-possible-me, Cara is tired of waiting around for needy, whiny, always-has to-be-rescued, Cara to get her act together.  Tired of holding her hand and dragging her through all of this crap.  I seriously just want to kick her ass already!  Holy cow, I sound like I have a split personality.  Don't worry, I promise, I am not going to lose it or anything.  I think the anger may be okay.  It feels like I am just having a huge shift happening inside of me right now.  Is it just me?  If anyone is still reading at this point they probably think I am nuts.  I am feeling a bit better now though.  Writing is so helpful.  I guess I just needed to get that out.  Well I am going to head to bed and get a good nights sleep.  I will post my weight tomorrow and move forward.  I am really tired of sitting where I am, spinning my tires.  Something is going to change.  Not sure what yet, but I will figure it out.  On with the journey.  I think the freaking out portion of this post is over :)  Sooooooooooo....

Bye for now,