Am I Struggling?

I was thinking about this earlier.
I have been eating a bit more junk food than usual lately.  I feel a little tighter in the waist area.  It is that time of the month, but I am pretty sure that junk food is the culprit.
So anyway, I was standing in the kitchen just now, and I was wondering - 'Am I struggling?'
I have been having this thought a lot over the last week or so.  It pops into my head and out again just as quickly.  Just an annoying little blip.  Something to be easily quieted with a cookie...or three.
But just now, when that question popped into my head, I stopped.  I thought.  And I had a flash of what 'struggling' feels like.  The 'accidental' overeating, the guilt, the shame, the anger, the stomach aches ;) 
Did I really want that?  Do I really want that?
Do I prefer feeling that way?
Ummmmmmmm......NO!!!
If I choose to struggle, then I am choosing those consequences.  I choose to feel awful.
Over the last week or so, when I would wonder if I was struggling, I would recall the three cookies I ate earlier, or the extra snack, or whatever and I would think - "Yes, I am struggling", and so I did.  That question started the cycle each time.  It was kind of like I was giving myself permission to fail.
I don't know what caused all of this to flash into my head just now.  I am just glad that it did.  I am glad that I stopped and really thought about it.
Am I struggling?
Of course not!
I am choosing to not struggle.
I so much prefer to not struggle.  I feel better.  I feel fabulous.  I feel more confident, I sleep better, I am so much happier, plus - I lose weight!!!
So, of course, I am not struggling.  Just in case you were wondering ;)
Is it that easy?
I really think it can be!

Bye for now,

Just A Drama Queen!

I hear birds chirping outside my window right now, and that makes me so happy :) Spring is coming!!! I can feel it.  Yay! 
I am writing because I feel the need.  Who knows what I want to say, I know that there is a lot of stuff going on inside me right now.  I am working through the usual garbage, but I seem to have a block.  I know that when I work my way around it, or over it, or through it that I will feel better.  I just need to work it through.  Soooo here I sit, writing. 
My thoughts are frustrated and disjointed, I hate this feeling.  It is like I am a little disconnected, or something.  I am feeling a little agitated. 
I wonder if maybe the problem is, that there is no problem?  Does that even make any sense?  Things are going really well, when I let them.  I am eating properly-ish ;)  I think I am at the point in the journey where I have to make some serious decisions.  Do I really want to lose any more weight?  Obviously, right?  But what I mean is, do I really want it?  I want to be healthy, I love how great I feel as I lose the weight.  I love that I feel more whole.  I am accepting things about me that I didn't even like to recognize before.  I Love me - I have come a very long way. 
So I am thinking that maybe the problem is this:  I don't have one!  I don't have the urgent need to lose weight now, I know that I am the only thing holding me back.  This journey is only as hard as I choose to make it.  So when the urgency is gone and the excitement, how do I keep going?  Could that be it.  I am just a drama queen at heart and I need the distractions?  Hmmmmm - very possibly. 
I decided when I started this journey that I was going to keep on going "No Matter What!".  Soooooo I won't be quitting, at all, but I am wondering if I am creating a problem because I am used to the turmoil.  Sneaky, sneaky :)  If anyone has made it this far through my jumbled thoughts - What do you think?  It makes sense to me.  I plan to keep writing it out until it all makes sense.  So if you enjoy crazy ramblings and lots (and lots, and lots) of over-analyzing stay tuned!

Bye for now,

Is This A NSV? I Think So, and I Like It :)

I have been having a really hard time finding the words I want to use lately.  I sit down to blog, but nothing comes.  I have a lot of thoughts running through my head and I have a lot of stuff going on , I just can't seem to organize my thoughts into a post.  Things are going well.  I stumbled a bit in my efforts, but I am getting really good at picking myself up and moving forward again.  I am in a pretty good place, food-wise, and I am getting back into the swing of exercising - slowly, but surely :)  I think that it may help to get back into the habit of sitting down and writing.  Just writing whatever comes and letting it all flow.  It will probably be a lot of rambling, but maybe it will help to just let my thoughts loose.  I feel like they are all jumbled and messy right now.  I guess I need to start opening those boxes again ;)  Last night I realized something pretty huge.  I was looking in the mirror and I realized that I liked what I saw!!!  That is huge!  Huger than huge! :)  I don't even have the words to describe what a big deal this is for me.  I realized that for a while now I have been liking what I see, liking who I see.  It may be hard to understand, but before this I really cannot tell you when the last time I liked the reflection in the mirror.  I don't even remember - it has been so long.  I am liking all of me (inside and out) and it feels good.  I am stumbling, I am messing up, I am going slower than I wanted to and I still like me.  This realization is so big, that I feel like I could cry.  It amazes me that I keep thinking I am not doing good enough, and I have had this huge breakthrough.  I almost missed it!  I need to start recognizing how far I really have come.  I started this journey with a number in mind, and I am not there yet - but I have gained something much more valuable.  Love!  It feels so good.  I still want it all :)  The number, the feeling, all of it, but for now - this is amazing!  More than I really ever hoped for.  I didn't even know to hope for it, because I didn't know it was missing before, does that make sense? - See I told you there would be rambling ;)  I am going to get back to basics.  More affirmations, more gratitude, more writing!!!  I am so close to 35 lbs lost I can taste it, 0.1 lbs to go.  I am almost half way to my goal.  I am down to 169.18 lbs as of yesterday!  Half way will be at 167.03 lbs.  I am going to post now, I've run out of steam.

Bye for now,

Sneaky, Sneaky, Sneaky!!!

Hi :)

I am thinking about a lot of things lately. When am I not??? I thought I was doing pretty well with my eating. I am on the lookout for trip-ups and the sneaky little things my inner fat-girl may be trying to toss in my way. I thought I was doing pretty well. But then I realized I am still playing the tomorrow game. This is like when I say to myself, 'I will eat better tomorrow' or, 'I will exercise tomorrow'. I'm sure we all know how that goes. But I thought I was done with that. I was surprised when I found myself thinking just the other day, "When I am at my goal I won't be eating like this". That is exactly-the-same as the tomorrow game. I never even realized I was doing it still. There are still some things I am doing that are sabotaging me, and I tell myself I will stop when I make it to my goal. HUH!?!?!? I am really glad that I spotted this trap. I am looking on the bright side here :) Now that I hear that voice I can shut it down!!! When I hear it I can stop it. I want to make a whole lifestyle change. I do not want to diet. That will not work for me. So I need to start eating the way I will be eating at my goal, now. I will live like I am thin and healthy, eat like I am thin and healthy and then guess what - I will BE thin and healthy!!! I am really glad I spotted that sneaky, backwards thinking. So from now on when I am about to eat something that I don't really want or when I am tempted to just sit by and wait for my goal to come to me I will stop and act. I am going to be more conscious and aware and I am going to live. I am going to move towards my goal and not wait for it to magically get here. I am going to do it. I am such a rambler, huh? I wonder if anyone else can even make sense out of what I am saying. Well I get it, at least :)

One more point for Cara - Yay me!!!