Keeping It Up!!!

I did my 1/2 hour workout again yesterday and, no surprise, I felt fantastic!!!
I haven't yet today, but it is definitely going to happen.
I had a visit yesterday.
With someone who I like very much and who I have had quite a few really interesting discussions with. Usually after this person leaves I pull out everything I said and analyze it and criticize myself and just, plain, feel like crap!
Yesterday I chose not to do this. I chose to look at everything I said and be kind to myself.  I chose to be a friend to me.  I used to compare myself and come up lacking. 
This time I just chose to be me. 
I really believe that every person comes into our lives for a reason.
Yesterday my interaction with this person did a crazy thing for me.  I am not sure how, but it was like I was able to just stop and observe myself without criticism or judgment and see how I had really gotten back into the habit of hurting myself.  With my thoughts.  With my words.
I thought I was past it and yesterday a light was shined.  That seems to be happenning a lot lately :) 
You know why?  I am sure the light was there all along, but now I am looking for it, now I am ready to see it.
Before I would have spent wasted time analyzing words that I can't take back anyway, today I am just grateful that I feel more awake again, more me. 
That may have been confusing :)  I get rambly when I am trying to work stuff through. 
But little by little I am unraveling this issue again. 
I am happy to do it. 
I am just, really feeling grateful today.  It is so nice.  Life is better when I live it with gratitude :)

Working Out Feels Good....

Who knew???
Uh, ME!!! :)
So, why haven't I been doing it for so long?
I think I may have gathered some insight into that.
This morning I got on the Wii and I did my 1/2 hour and it wasn't a hard workout or anything, not such a huge deal, but I felt good. Really good!!!
I was happier today, noticeably, and just feeling really good!
I like this feeling , I want to keep it :)
I think the reason I quit doing things that make me feel so good is as simple and as complicated as this: I feel guilty when I am happy, and I don't feel like I deserve it!
Huh!
I thought I had worked that one through already when I wrote my post on deserving.
I guess I need a refresher :) 
I am ready to be as happy as I can, I am ready to make being happy my full time job :) 
I deserve it, we all do! 
I will not hold myself back any longer.  I am making a commitment to myself.
I will get back to working through my stuff and most of all to loving and accepting me. 
It is way past time. 
I am deserving!!!
I guess I could have just said that I completed my workout, and it felt good, and I have completed day one, but I guess I had some other stuff to say too :)

That's all for today!
Bye for now,

Ready :)

Alrighty, I am officially updated:)
I have my weekly weigh-in posted, I updated my tracker, I am ready to go.
Oh, yeah, I did my Ticker too. I do have to admit that I winced a little when my Ticker jumped from 16.5 lbs left up to 22.7, but I am going to keep it real :)
Still feeling good!
I really had to drag myself into it this time, and fake it for a while.
But it is paying off, everyday I am a little more in control again, a little more confident, a little more......ready :)
That's all for tonight, still feeling groovy :)
Bye for now,

I Did Not Forget

I fully intended to post my weight yesterday and update my goal. I remembered when I was an hour away from home. Christmas shopping, a family dinner, and other hectic things got in the way :) But, I am here now to post my restarting weight. It is 155.54 lbs. Up about nine or so pounds from my lowest weight. It kinda sucks. I am tired, so I am going to bed, and will post more later. I really feel great about where I am and where I am heading :)

Bye for now,

Progress Pics - 50 lbs. Lost!!! :)

Hi again :)

I kept meaning to put progress pics up when I lost 40 lbs. and I never ended up doing it. 
I am not skipping it this time!  I have officially lost 50 lbs!!!  I am so excited! 
I have made it almost 75% of the way to my goal and as of this morning I only need to lose 18.94 lbs. to get there. 
WOW!!! 
It almost seems unbelievable to me. 

Anyway here are some pics:

 My daughter says I am making a weird face in this one, she's right :)

I am feeling really great! 

Kind of all brand new, and I like it :)  

I know that I am doing this and I know that I am going to be at my goal soon.  

It feels really nice.

Choices, Changes And Other Scary Things :)

I feel like I don't know who I am sometimes.
I feel scared.
I am really tired of it.

My moods are all over the place and it is so frustrating. 
On good days I am positive and moving forward and I feel like I can face anything because I am heading in the right direction.  I know that I am strong and capable.  I am doing it.  I am making it easy for myself and I am feeling great! 
On bad days...not so much.

I feel like I am under a microscope, I am over analyzing  everything. 
I have learned a lot about myself and why I behave the way I do.  So, when I am in a bad place and being really self destructive, I am aware enough now that I can see myself doing it.  You would think that that would make it easier, right?  I can see myself eating because someone hurt my feelings, or because I am pissed off (more likely lately) or I can see myself picking a fight with my husband and I know what is going on, so I stop, right?  Ummmmmm - NO!!!!  Not me.  I keep right on being self destructive and I continue the cycle. 

I have made so many changes. 
A lot of them are easy to see :) 
But most of them are not.  Most of them are inside of me. 
I feel like I have to work on my inside stuff and the outside stuff will work itself out accordingly ;) 

Because of all these changes I find myself looking around sometimes and wondering who's life this is.
Can it really be mine? 
I can hardly explain it, but the Cara I was a year ago liked to hide.  It seems that my whole life has been engineered so that I could hide away from the world.  The weight, the fact that I chose to stay at home after I had my kids, the fact that I let all of my friends drift away over the years.  I turned my home into a very quiet hiding place, now it seems like a really comfortable cage. 

I am not that girl.  I am not! 

I don't want to hide, I don't want to be alone all the time.  I don't even like t.v. anymore!  I don't even know that girl.  I tried to explain to my husband that it would be like letting someone else pick out your whole life and then you just move into it.  It sounds mean though.  I sound ungrateful and, I am worried, crazy! 
How can I feel like this?  I am the same person, aren't I? 
Sometimes I feel so confused that I have no words and I am quiet. 

As I write this out I hear how weird it sounds, but I am also starting to figure it out.  When I typed the words 'I am not that girl'  it sort of clicked.
I keep feeling like I have a choice right now. 
I can go back to the way things were and back to that girl who fits into this life comfortably or I can keep moving on and adjust my life accordingly. 
Pretty obvious, now that it's out there like that :) 

Either way I chose it is going to be a struggle. 
To go back would be horrible.  To feel that way again.  So miserable, so alone, so sad.  But it would have it's perks too.  All I can eat, really!  I know it works for me, it must have.  I can slide back in so easily, I know how it all goes. 
To keep moving on, though.  That will be hard and scary for different reasons, but still hard and scary.  For starters, I do not like change.  Even good changes freak me out a bit. 
I am new at this confidence thing, it takes confidence to change and grow and move forward. 
What if my husband and I grow apart as I change? 

I know that this is really sounding ridiculous, it is to me now :) 
But these are all of the things that are swirling around in my brain. 
Obviously I do have a choice, but I probably don't have to make it the big thing that I have been.  It is a decision that I have to keep making everyday and over time, just as always, things will start to work their way to where they are supposed to be. 

So, anyway...that was a bit of a rambler, huh? 
I am a little embarrassed to post this one, but I am gonna keep it real :) 
I think I may have a pretty good handle on what is going on now, anyways. 
So that is good!
 
I hope your days are sunny and a lot less complicated than I make mine :)
Bye for now,
 

Feeling Fabulous!!!

I have not been posting very much at all lately, but I refuse to feel bad about it :) Because, I am feeling really fabulous!
I am maintaining right now, but I am so happy with where my head is.

I am having a lot of fun playing with clothes and putting new outfits together. This has really been helping to keep me on track. Who knew clothes could be so fun and motivating?!? I am eating really well and I am squeezing exercise in wherever I can. Doing lots of fun and active family stuff!
Things are going really well and I am happy. So, how can I feel bad about not blogging?

Right now I am just focusing on family and working around the house. I am on a mission to de-clutter. Not just the places that are seen (the way I usually do) I mean I have been attacking the clutter everywhere. In every. single. closet. It feels really good. I am letting go of a lot of stuff. I am feeling free and happy and pretty confident.

I am not going to try and figure out how to maintain this feeling (like last time).  I am just going to enjoy it, and go with it, and see where it leads me.

I guess I did have a little post in my head :)
I keep thinking that I don't really have much to write.

Anyway I haven't fallen off the face of the earth.
I am not doing really badly and hiding it (like in the past)
I am just happy, and busy, and moving along.

I hope to get writing more, but I am not going to make any guarantees or time limits.
I know how that ends up and I will not go there.

I am making good choices and just enjoying life.
It feels really good :)

Happy Tuesday!
(Oh, and that means it is weigh in day!  I will have to update my chart a.s.a.p. but nothing really exciting is happening in that particular area - happily maintaining for the time being)

Bye for now,

Weigh-In Day

Hello :)  It's Tuesday again and, as usual, I had my date with the scale this morning.  My weight is 176.22 lbs this morning.  I am down 0.88 lbs from last week.  It isn't a huge loss, but it's a loss.  I will take it! 
In my last post I mentioned how well I was doing with my eating.  But you may have noticed that I didn't mention exercise.  That is because I wasn't doing it.  None, at all.  Anyway I decided to get back on track with that too.  I am committing to my minimum half hour per day again.  I am really glad that I did.  Yesterday I worked out for one hour on the Wii and then I did my crunches and weights.  This morning I have already completed my half hour and I feel really good. 
When I get off track and skip workouts I end up making a huge issue out of it in my head.  I will think things like "I need to start working out again" and turn it into this big huge thing in my head and then I end up not doing it and time goes by.  I realized that I was doing this and I stopped and thought that instead of making a huge deal about working out everyday, and getting back into it, and worrying about how much I should workout - I need to just get moving!!!  So I did.  I worked out yesterday and I worked out today.  I stopped worrying about the details and I stopped planning a workout and I just moved.  And, not at all surprisingly, I feel great. 
I didn't even realise I was sabotaging myself, but I was.  I was getting so caught up in thinking about what I should be doing that I wasn't actually doing anything.  Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky!!!  Does anyone else do this?  Anyway that's it for today.  I have plans for today so I better get moving.

Bye for now,

I AM OVERWEIGHT!!!

And, yes - I am yelling!  I am so very happy to post this.  I am finally, finally, overweight.  No longer obese - never again!!!  Not if I can help it.  And I know that I can.  I really can.  I weighed in this morning and I have lost 0.66 lbs. since Tuesday.  I am at 179.08 lbs.  Yay, yay, yay!  Okay, I am a little excited.  I cannot explain to you how much I have hated hearing the voice on Wii Fit telling me every time I weighed in "that's obese!" - ugh! - it drove me CRAZY!!!  But this morning it said "that's overweight".  Awesome!  I am finally over the 25 lbs. lost hump.  It was starting to feel like I would never make it.  It has been really, really easy to lose these last five lbs. or so.  I am being very cautious right now, I am on the lookout for sneak attacks from my 'inner sabotager'.  But so far, so good.  I am going to just go with it and take in this great feeling and let it build.  I am not sure how I will be feeling on Tuesday, but hopefully I will be back to post my official weigh in.  If not, I will do it a.s.a.p.  I am having my wisdom teeth removed on Monday and I am a huge baby, so I am very nervous.  I am on blood thinners, so any kind of surgery freaks me out - a lot!!!  Oh well, I'll be fine.  Just for the record I am happy to post that I have lost 4.1 points off my B.M.I. and 25.02 lbs. - so far!  Have a super-great weekend and sorry for all of my exclamations and italicising (sp?)  I am a little exuberant this morning :)

Bye for now, 


P.S.  I played Just Dance 2 (Wii)  with my sister's last night and it was so much fun.  I definitely recommend it if you are looking for a fun way to get moving!!!  I know that sounded like an advertisement but I just thought the game was a lot of fun :)

Feeling Great :)

I have been feeling really great this week. This is also the week I gave up junk food. Coincidence??? I think not! I am so glad that I gave up  the junk for a week. I actually forgot about it until I looked at the calendar and realized  that today was my last 'no junk food' day. It gets so easy to say no to all of the extra crap after just a day or so. I stopped missing it and forgot I was in the middle of a challenge. No sugar headaches this week and best of all I feel really great!!!  Did I mention that already? ;)  I am just posting this as a reminder to myself of how easy it is to kick the junk habit.  It was crazy-easy and I feel better, I do not plan to let the habit take over again.  Maybe I will just cut sugar out entirely, eventually, but for now it feels good to take the control away from the sugar monster who is lurking inside of me.  Anyway that's it for today, I'll be back tomorrow for weigh in day. 

Happy Monday!

Loving The Journey

I am feeling fabulous! It is such a great feeling.  So I have been looking at what makes me feel this way. Strangely, it is not the number on the scale.  When I feel really great, it is because I am doing things that I love.
I have been struggling a bit lately and as I was looking back over my posts and reviewing my habits I realized something.  I am happiest and, consequently, lose the most weight, when I fill my days up with things that make me joyful. 
It turns into a cycle of good.  A cycle I definitely want to keep going.
I have been digging into my emotional crap a lot.  And I think that is good.  I believe it is necessary.  But I keep getting so caught up in the work of it that I forget to just be.
This week I have been doing things I love.  I have been reading books that inspire me, I have been listening to my positive thinking c.d., I have been drawing.  And yes, I have been exercising, and enjoying it!!!
I used to fill myself up with food and waste my time on mind numbing activities.  Now as I find myself waking up and stepping away from the food it seems like I have all of this extra space or time to fill up.
I have been taking away so much of my old life and at times I have felt a little scared and started to struggle.  It finally hit me.  Fill up the space with good.  With joy.  With all of the things you love.  Live like you deserve to be happy.  Take the time to do what you love.  Even if it is "silly" or "non-productive". 
I mean, seriously, when I draw what I create doesn't even usually make sense to me.  It may look crazy to others, or seem like a waste of time - but it makes me happy!!!
I think a lot of the time I feel like I deserve to be punished for what I have allowed myself to become.  I am making the journey harder than it has to be.  When I struggle, it seems like that is how it should be and I accept it. 
But what if I don't accept that? 
What if I decide that instead of feeling deprived I want to feel fulfilled? 
That is how I am feeling this week, and guess what - food doesn't feel like such a big deal this week.  Coincidence?  I think not!  I have decided to see what I can fill myself up with, if not food.
I feel fabulous!
I am excited about where I am going, sure.  But today I am loving the journey.  Isn't that exciting?  I am not going to block this feeling off anymore, I feel alive with energy and creativity.
Note to self: Keep it up :)




P.S. I am joining in on Lucy's Blog Hop again this week. I always find a lot of great blogs when I do :)

Guess What...

I had a pair of jeans on yesterday and I realized something. First of all they are bigger. All of them are getting baggy now. Yay me!!! But then I noticed that they were comfortable. That is unheard of!!! Or at least it has been in my world (aka Caraland), for a looooong time. I used to wear my jeans out and then, as soon as I was home, put on my p.j.'s comfy pants. Last night I realized I still had my jeans on and I wasn't even aware of it. Now that is progress ;) I seriously did a happy dance, my husband enjoyed that a lot! LOL! I have been doing really great with my workouts, btw. Haven't missed one yet, and it feels really good. That's it for today - just a short, silly post. Happy Friday!

Bye for now,


P.S. I am counting my happy dance as part of my workout today :)

2 Week Challenge - Day #13

Hello :)
Still hanging in there. Had a great day with family today. I haven't finished my workout yet, but I am just about to do it now. I have been doing really well, but last night when I was finishing up my workout I kept getting really dizzy. It was weird, kind of like the ground was moving out from under me. I would take a break for a few minutes but it kept happening. Weird!!! I wonder if maybe I consumed too much sugar or something? Or maybe I didn't eat enough? I can't think of anything I did differently. Well,anyway, before I let my hypochondria take over I better sign off and complete the workout :) Tomorrow is the last day of my challenge - WOOOO HOOOO!!! Then on Saturday we are off for a fabulously romantic time (even bigger WOOOO HOOOO!!!). I will be back tomorrow when I am finished my workout to announce that I did it! Happy Friday Eve :)

P.S. I am not really a hypochondriac, don't worry ;)

2 Week Challenge - Day #7

Happy Friday everyone :) I am feeling a little bit fabulous today, and I am so very glad! I am so happy that I have been keeping up with my workouts and healthy eating plan. It has reinforced that I can do it, even if I don't feel like it. I noticed last night when I was doing my crunches (60/day for my challenge - remember??) that I can feel my stomach muscles!!!! Lately I have been getting off track because I was feeling unmotivated and maybe I was waiting for that feeling to come back. It was so silly of me. I need to choose to be motivated and I have to choose to do the best things for myself. This challenge has already been a gift to me. I have reinforced that I can bring that feeling of motivation and excitement back by just doing it!!! By exercising and eating healthier, even when I didn't feel like it, I am starting to feel great again. I am being motivated because I really like how I feel when I take care of myself! Every once in a while, when I am not getting "rewarded" (things like having someone notice, or the scale being nice) I slip back into bad behaviors. This challenge has gotten me into it again. I am feeling rewarded from my own hard work and I know I am in charge of how amazing I feel. It is a good thing I haven't given myself a time limit this time :) I will get there when I am ready. I am tired of this self-imposed prison sentence. I am ready to be free. It isn't even only the weight. It is my attitude. Or, I should say, it is mostly my attitude. I had this feeling for the longest time that life would begin when I got to my goal. I was so wrong. Life is happening all around me, and I just have to live it. I can be involved or not, I am the only one putting restrictions on me. I have been choosing to live lately and it is so nice. I am not all the way there for sure, but I really feel like this time I am headed in the right direction. I really recommend challenging yourself, it has been a huge eye opener for me. It has reinforced what I already know and also given me a bigger sense of control over my future. I can and will create the life I want. I am doing it every day and I am loving it. Hopefully I am out of my slump for a while, but even if I feel slumpy again:) - I will keep on going. Because it is so worth it and I am too!

I am sticking with yesterday's affirmation for today, it's a good one :) But if you would really like to be inspired go and check out the newest post at 266 - it is amazing and so inspiring!

Bye for now

An Awesome Idea!!!

I am feeling fabulous! I am loving it. It is amazing how everything seems to be shifting inside of me. I am ready to accept the very best and it just keeps coming to me. I know that it all has to do with my attitude. I am once again choosing to be happy and I can feel it in every part of my life. I am focused and I feel like I am really on track. But I also feel like if I have a slip up I am not going to let it consume me, the way I used to. I am being my own best friend and it has made so much difference.
It is crazy how so many small and seemingly simple changes can add up and completely change everything around. Little things like being kinder to myself, and taking time to enjoy myself. It can be as simple as taking the time to use my hand lotion, or doing my hair nicer, or even just taking a break with a cup of tea and a good book. I am letting myself do these things without guilt now, because I know that I deserve to be happy.
Can it be this simple? I just have to love myself? I think that it can be, I think this is the key. I am not saying that it is easy, but I know that I am going to make it to my goal. I just know it. I am loving myself and treating me the way I always should have. I am not being a victim anymore and letting other people tell me how I should be treated or how I should spend my time. I feel so many changes taking place inside of me and the weight loss is just a very small part of it. An awesome part for sure, but the key is just doing it. I don't accept excuses any longer, not from myself. I know that I will either do it or I won't, but the choice is mine.
One strange thing that is happening is that I am finding myself wide awake by 6 am. This is unheard of for me. I usually get up by 7, but I do it grudgingly and spend a good part of the morning feeling irritable and fuzzy-headed. But amazingly the last few days my eyes open and I am alert and happy to start my day. I feel like I have so many amazing things to discover. If I feel this much better already, what else is in store for me? What else have I been missing out on? I cannot wait to find out! The very best part is that I am now ready to accept all the good things coming my way.
I was reading this post on the blog 266 and LOVED (loved, loved, loved) the idea of the self preservation kit. I think the idea originally came from here on MizFit Online and I really, really can't wait to make one of my own. I even have the cutest hatbox, that my M.I.L. gave me as a gift, to fill with all my goodies. I am going to use it for days when I am feeling that I have to work a little harder at it, or when I just need a pick-me-up. I have a ton of ideas of what to put in there, things that inspire and energise me. Can't wait to get it done, I'll let you know what I come up with. Thank you ladies for the awesome idea.
Well I am off to do some laundry, the excitement never lets up around here ;)

Have the greatest day, you deserve it :)

Weigh-In Day

I am feeling really great. I am so much more aware of my whole body - already!!! I usually get to this point and then I start feeling too cocky or something and everything falls apart. I am watchful right now, looking ahead for those traps that usually trip me up on this familiar journey. I refuse to be sidetracked. There are no excuses this time, I am ready to LIVE my life. I have been reading a few blogs out there and I am SO inspired. It feels like there is a whole community of friends out there who I can look to for support when I am having a tough time. I officially started tracking this weight loss endeavor :) last Tuesday, April 13th. So my official start weight was 204.1 lbs. and my B.M.I. was 34.01. I have been weighing myself each day because I am using Wii fit plus, but I am only going to keep track of my weekly weight here. So since today is officially one week I can log my new weight, it is 198.2 lbs. and my B.M.I. is 33.09. I am sure that it must be water weight, and that I cannot really expect to see a loss like this again, but WOW!!! It was really nice to see the number actually getting smaller. I have taken a before picture and I plan to post it as soon as my computer and camera decide to play nice again or whenever I remember to print it out, so soon-ish :) I am planning on taking pics every ten pounds along the way, is this too many?? Okay, well I am off to begin another fabulous week.

Happy Tuesday everyone :)