Learning and Snuggles Too :)

So, I did not get my workout in yesterday. I said I definitely would and I didn't.
I let a lot of other stuff get in the way, good stuff :), but still I let the day get away from me.
I had a fantastic day, really great, so I cannot complain. But I do see where I could have a done a few things differently and gotten my workout in. So I am going to pay attention :)
First, I decided to let my workout wait when my son woke up early.  I chose snuggle time over workout time. I am happy to snuggle, I am sure it helped make the day so fantastic, snuggles are awesome!!! 
But, I am sure I could have squeezed my 1/2 hour in there somewhere. Actually I know I could have.
Once I let it slide in the morning it was easier to push it til "later" and then, when I was really busy I didn't end up getting to "later". 
So last night at 10:30 I decided to start again this morning and I did. 
I left out all the old ugly thinking and just decided to learn from this day.
One day missed is not a catastrophe, as much as I would like to pretend it is and console myself with cookies :)  I am doing great and I see how I can plan my workouts better, so it's all good.
That's it!

Bye for now,

Weigh-In Day/Half Way To Goal!!!

Hello! 
I am back on a Tuesday again, so it would seem that I am getting my junk together :) 
Yay! 
This morning's weigh in was quite a surprise for me.  You may have noticed that I have been struggling.  I have been really making this harder than it has to be, I am good at that ;) 
Anyway, because of the struggle - and the fact that I have had to keep stopping myself from overeating, I figured this would be a pretty scary week.  According to the scale anyway. 
But no, I guess I am finally pulling ahead a bit. 
My weigh in this morning was 166.76 lbs, so I have lost 1.98 lbs this week.   
Plus, I didn't realize this until I updated my ticker just now, I AM OFFICIALLY OVER HALF WAY TO MY GOAL!!!!!!!  Wooooo Hooooo!!! 
Sorry about the yelling ;)  I just got a little excited. 
So, for future reference:  "Cara, no matter how badly you are doing, no matter how much junk you have given into and no matter how much you want to give up - DON'T!!!  It is never too late to stop and choose better.  You had to do it over and over and over again the last couple of weeks, and it was hard, but it was doable.  You did it!  Keep doing it!  Oh and you are Awesome :)"
I never before thought I could stop myself in the middle of one of these downward spirals, but I did.  A lesson learned!  That is a good thing.
I started my own two week challenge yesterday.  I haven't posted it yet and usually that would be a good excuse not to start, but I am going to do it backwards this time :)  I did a really great workout, and it felt fabulous!  I will be back to post the details, today is day two. 

Gotta go for now, bye!

STOP!!!

I am having trouble right now.
I am annoyed just writing those words and I am so not in the mood to even talk about it.  I am angry!  Seriously, just completely tired of this merry go round.  I hate it!  A lot!
So, you may wonder why I am writing then.  I am writing because it crossed my mind earlier that I could just skip my weigh in on Tuesday, and nobody would even know.  It wouldn't really matter.  Anyone reading my blog will only know what I tell them, right?  One time.  I can skip it one time and it will be okay.
And when I realized what I was thinking it scared me. Thankfully, I am writing.  Because that little voice is really sneaky and she almost had me convinced, but I am not lying to myself anymore.  I am not a liar, so the fact that I was considering it said a lot to me.  It made me stop!  That girl inside me, the fat one, the scared one?  She is pretty desperate right now.  And she should be!  Because she is losing.
I am going to post this and I am going to hold myself accountable.  I made bad decisions this week.  Really, really bad ones!  I almost threw in the towel.
But here is what I did differently.
I stopped!
I am taking a breather, and I am really thinking about what I plan to do.  I can eat and I can be the victim and I can lie to everyone or I can stop and choose better.  That's it!
I do not want to post this.  It is a mess, and I know my weigh in on Tuesday will probably be a train wreck, but I am stopping now.  I am not going to journey around that 'crazy circle' again! :)  I will be honest and own up and move on.
I will not give this negativity any more power.
I am learning something here :)
I don't need the lesson repeated.
I will do this!

Bye for now,

Here's The Story...(part 1)

I really don't know where to start. So I will just write.
I want to put down into words how badly I was doing.  I am definitely using the past tense, because I am over it.  But, if I want to learn from the bad I need to acknowledge it, right? 
I was doing really bad.  I was eating enough to seriously worry me and it was pretty much all junk.  Ugh!  I was eating so much that it hurt and I could feel my body telling me to stop. 
I was stuck.  Deep in self-destructive behaviours. 
I felt overwhelmed and out of control and like I wasn't even the same person. 
I think the scariest part for me was that it (seemingly) came out of nowhere.  It's like I was walking along, doing great, and then I fell in a hole.  Seriously!!!  It was so sudden.  No transition at all.  Scary!  Looking back now I can put my finger on some of the things that were happening and I am sure these things were the beginning of my fall.  But, really, at the time it seemed like I had no control over the things I was doing. 
I don't want to go there again! 
I am glad for this experience though, strange as that may sound.  It showed me a lot of things.  I have really learned from this last misstep and I can't be upset about that. 
One thing that really hit home was the way I felt.  I was eating a lot of sugar, and I felt irritable and headache-y, and really just-plain-miserable.  The reason I say that this hit home is because I realized that I used to feel that way all the time.  Thirty pounds ago this was the way I felt on a day to day basis. 
I thought it was normal!
I didn't even know I was miserable. 
It's funny because as I am writing this I am beginning to tear up.  I feel like I was given the best gift of all for Christmas and it was the gift of perspective. 
I am no longer willing to accept bad things.  I am no longer willing to accept that my body feels weak or worn out or crappy.  I don't have to! 
I am no longer willing to be a slave to sugar.  I didn't even know I was. 
How many times was I cranky and snappish to the people I love because I was being brought down by food, by sugar?!?! 
If I didn't make this misstep I wouldn't know so well that I really am what I eat.  I am so glad that I was able to make this mistake really.  It was scary and it was dark and I seriously thought I may not be able to pull myself out.  But I did!!!  And I think that it was probably the biggest learning experience I have had so far on this journey. 
I have so much more to say, but I think this will be a good start.  I'll be back with more soon.  I really want to dig into those things that I think brought me down and get it all out but that's all for now...

Happy to be back on track,

Feeling Groovy!!!

I really love where my head is right now. I am so on track, with my eating, and I feel unstoppable. I feel like I did at the beginning of this journey. I am excited, optimistic and determined. It feels really good to be back in the game. I have been very self-aware and I know that is why I am doing so well. I am able to stop and realize that I am just "hungry" because I am bored, frustrated, pms'ing, etc., etc., etc. I am really in touch with my feelings and actions. But I don't let them overwhelm me anymore. It feels really nice.

I have also been noticing a lot of things about my body in the last little while. I kept feeling like there was no real change since I began losing weight, but lately I have been noticing how different I really do feel. I can put on all of my clothes, straight out of the dryer and I don't have to pre-stretch anything. Was it just me that had to do that? :) I used to have to stretch out some of my shirts so that they 'fit right'. I also don't have to constantly make sure that my shirt is covering my butt or my belly and I don't have to continually adjust my bra. I no longer loosen my belt or pants (ie. popping open my button because I really enjoyed dinner) and I just feel comfortable in my skin. Does that make sense? It is a hard feeling to explain. I am definitely still overweight, but it is amazing how much better I already feel. I am excited again because if I feel this good now, imagine how great I will feel as I keep going.

So far my journey has taught me a lot of things, but I think the most important one is to love myself. I started out doing good things for myself because I knew that I should. Now I do these things because I know that I deserve to be happy and to feel great. I am no longer working at it because I should, I am automatically being good to myself. I am really happy about this. It took me a long time to feel like I deserved good things. The change came about and I didn't even realize it. I am really grateful for every bit of this journey. I am learning so much about me and I really love who I am.

Anyway, enough of the Rambly  Love Fest :)  I am going to bed at a semi-early hour tonight.  I need sleep!

Bye for now,

Weigh-In Day

So, it is Tuesday again, and that means weigh in day, as usual. I am not at all surprised to post that I haven't seen a change this week. At all. I am at exactly the same weight as last week. 183.26 lbs.
You may be surprised that I am not unhappy about this though. I feel good. I feel like I am getting my act together. I feel like I am really doing this. I am reclaiming myself. This is the most weight I have ever lost. Usually I get down to 13-15 lbs. lost and then gain it all back as soon as someone comments on the change.
It used to freak me out when people noticed. I wanted to be invisible, I guess. Now I just want to be me. It doesn't matter what other people say, I am on my way. I am doing this for me. I am so happy that I am not creeping upwards on the scale. But even it that happens, I will work it out.
It just feels like it is my time. I am going to do this. No. Matter. What. I know it. So if the scale is stuck at this number for a while, who cares??? I feel good and I am moving ahead, even if the numbers aren't moving this week. When I have lost all of this weight, I expect to keep it off. So I am taking the time to learn, and grow.
Well that was definitely a lot of typing to say something as simple as 'maintain' :) Oh well! I am feeling good today. I have decided that when I am down another 5 lbs. - well 25 lbs. total lost - that my husband and I are going on a bowling date. Cheesy? Yes! But it will be fun.
I just calculated my B.M.I. and I need to lose like 0.56 lbs. to be considered overweight. That is exciting!!! No longer obese! Wow!!! I can't wait :)
Anyway that's it for now. I did my 1/2 hour on the Wii and 30 crunches.

Bye for now,

2 Week Challenge - Day #6

Today is day six of my personal challenge and I am still not feeling it. I know that this is just a step I have to get through and I also know if I pay attention I will learn something and be able to move ahead with that knowledge. But I am not in that place right now. Apparently I am in a place of mopey-ness and irritability and I really just feel like giving up. Oh well! Whoever said this journey was going to be easy? I never thought it would be, but I know that it is worth it. So, even though I am not "feeling it" I am going to workout and I am going to make better food choices. I love myself enough to do what I really need to right now. I am not gonna lie, with my crappy attitude, it is kind of sucking - but I am sure tomorrow will be better. Plus, even negative Cara cannot deny that exercising just feels better! I have completed half of my Wii workout and I will do the rest this afternoon. My food is on plan.
I was looking around for a fresh affirmation today and found this one on Secrets of A Weight Loss Master under meditations:

Just for today I will practice self-acceptance. The struggle ends with me. I choose to stop struggling. I deserve peace.

I guess it was just what I needed today, I like this one a lot!
Anyway I am off to reclaim my positive attitude, hope everyone is having an awesome day :)

Bye for now,

Feeling Crappy

Hi.
I am sick today. I am feeling really terrible. My throat is really swollen. When I looked in the mirror this morning I was shocked. It looks like I haven't lost any weight, in my face. My jaw, that I swear was noticeable just last night is nonexistent and my neck looks all bloated and puffy. I looked in my throat and it is all red, I hope it gets better soon. I know that I am prone to throat problems, but I hate this swollen look. Plus it is feeling terrible. I am going to weigh myself tomorrow, even though I do not want to. I am sure it will be be awful, but I am definitely not out of the game. Every time I struggle and make it through I know that I am learning something valuable. This is a journey, so even when the road gets bumpy, I am committed to keeping on. Anyway, I am feeling crappy, so I will say bye for now :)

Until tomorrow,

Stress or Why Isn't This Cookie Helping?!?!?!?

So I have been dealing a lot with that 's' word over the last week or so. It may be apparent from my weigh in day :) I actually feel like I probably should have gained, so a maintain was a little bit of a surprise. I have really been letting things get to me. I have really been letting stress rule me. It sucks - A LOT!!! I have been a little bit of a basket case, possibly a raging case of PMS ;) But, YIKES!!! - enough already! I am not exercising like I should, I am not eating like I should, and, wouldn't you know it, I feel like crap because of it. Shocker, I know. It has been so long since I allowed stress to rule me that it kind of blindsided me this time. GRRRRRRRR!!!! So, in the spirit of moving on here is what I have learned. Food is, apparently, no longer my drug of choice. Huh. Is that even possible? It really feels that way. It just doesn't seem to make me feel better anymore. Believe me, this week has definitely tested the theory - and I tried valiantly to stuff my emotions at times. I cannot eat anywhere near as much as I used to and feel at all OK. It didn't make me feel better at all, on any level. This is good, I am sure of it. But also strange. No??? Before I could eat until it made me feel sick and strangely it felt as though I had accomplished something, because the food soothed me. Now, I don't even get the temporary good feeling. I am not trapped in a vicious, horrible cycle. Not anymore! I cannot do it anymore - I actually hate doing this to myself! I feel better when I eat better and I am fully aware of this as I am stuffing my face. It really feels like I am so over the unhealthy, binge-type eating. I am moving on, I am choosing to do better right now, even though I don't necessarily want to;) But, I thought it was remarkable that food seems to be slowly losing it's hold over me. I am not under it's control anymore! Amazing! I am taking this new knowledge with me as I continue on my journey. I am doing an amazing job and I acknowledge that. This setback is over and I am taking the advice of Keelie at Real Fat and pulling up my big girl panties ;) I will say that the stress has hit me harder because I don't have my old best pal to comfort me - but guess what, I am working it out, and I am dealing. I have learned a lot about me this week - so even though my weight was a maintain and I did really bad on so many levels, I will be happy that I am learning to cope without my crutch. - Go, Cara, Go!!!

Bye for now,