Working Out Feels Good....

Who knew???
Uh, ME!!! :)
So, why haven't I been doing it for so long?
I think I may have gathered some insight into that.
This morning I got on the Wii and I did my 1/2 hour and it wasn't a hard workout or anything, not such a huge deal, but I felt good. Really good!!!
I was happier today, noticeably, and just feeling really good!
I like this feeling , I want to keep it :)
I think the reason I quit doing things that make me feel so good is as simple and as complicated as this: I feel guilty when I am happy, and I don't feel like I deserve it!
Huh!
I thought I had worked that one through already when I wrote my post on deserving.
I guess I need a refresher :) 
I am ready to be as happy as I can, I am ready to make being happy my full time job :) 
I deserve it, we all do! 
I will not hold myself back any longer.  I am making a commitment to myself.
I will get back to working through my stuff and most of all to loving and accepting me. 
It is way past time. 
I am deserving!!!
I guess I could have just said that I completed my workout, and it felt good, and I have completed day one, but I guess I had some other stuff to say too :)

That's all for today!
Bye for now,

Chaos, Drama, And My Default Mode

I think my default mode is set to 'self-destruct' :)
Seriously!
Things will be going fine, fantastic even and then (seemingly out of nowhere) chaos and drama erupt. I used to always wonder "Why do these things happen to me?" or "What did I do to deserve this?".
Now I know that these things aren't 'just happening', I am making them happen. I can actually watch the whole process unfold, if I take the time to pay attention.
It is crazy, really!
Why?
The only conclusion I can come up with is that I am still not 100% convinced that I deserve happiness.
It is like I hit my peak happiness level then I stop and freak out a little and go into self destruct mode. When I say peak happiness level - or PHL from now on :) I mean the amount of happiness I feel like I should be allowed (depending on how hard I worked for it) or the amount that I deserve.
I was not aware that I was doing this until recently. A few weeks ago things were going so well.  Everything was fabulous!  Everything!!!  Then I started to think things like 'Why are things going so well?' and 'how can I maintain this'.  And, seriously, it's like I just started to dismantle my own happiness.
Weirdness!
I over analyzed, I questioned and I took a whole bunch of steps backwards.
I think I am a little afraid to move on or something.
I feel like I am at a really huge turning point right now.
I feel like a whole different person and I am sort of having trouble getting my head around all of these changes.
Everyone is noticing that I have lost weight now. It seems like in the last month every person I see tells me how fantastic I look. That is definitely a great thing, but it also usually makes me freak out. In the past it is usually enough to make me gain weight. Not anymore!  I have stopped doing that at least :) I am aware of it now, and I think I know what it is all about.
I think that maybe I am just not used to feeling so good and my self destructive side is saying 'Hey, what's going on here? Why are you happy and smiling all the time? That's not right! That's not normal!' and I pull back and....well, chaos and drama enter the picture.
I am glad I can see it happening now. I am glad that I am not playing the victim anymore, but I am really wondering if my self destructive tendencies will ever be gone.
I don't think so!
I thought in the beginning that this journey was going to be about food, but it really isn't. It is about me deciding that I love myself enough to choose happiness, to choose good things.
Consistently!
I need to keep choosing happiness until that is my default setting and I need to learn to accept the good and stop questioning it.
Of course I deserve to be happy. I deserved to be happy all along. I am just not 100% comfortable claiming it yet, I suppose.
So the plan is: blog, blog and blog some more :) It seems to be what works.
I think it is pretty obvious that I have a lot of turmoil going on inside, because my thoughts are all fighting to be set free and I can't entirely keep up with them. Hopefully as I let them out they will start to be more sensible, but for now I will just write.
I am feeling really good right now, I will just start with baby steps again and work this through.
Anyway, that's all for now.  Thank goodness, right :)  That was a long one!  Hopefully some of it made sense :)  Even if it didn't I feel better, so that is good.

Bye for now,


P.S. I am going to have to update my weight chart when my husband gets home. I am having trouble with the Wii, but I didn't forget :)  If he can get it figured out I will have it all up to date for tomorrows weigh in!

I Am The Boss, So There, Cookie :P

Okay. Hello :) I am writing because I would rather be eating! No biggie really, except that it is. I was doing amazing!  Super-fantastically amazing!!!  Up until my high calorie Sunday. 
You may remember me mentioning it here. 
Usually if I do this it helps me to get a jump on losing weight again.  Kind of like a kick start or something, plus I get to eat, so of course I like it ;)  It always works for me.  The trick is not letting my high calorie day turn into a high calorie month! 
I am eating more than I should be.  It is way less than I used to eat, and I am still not going crazy, but it feels like a problem so I don't want to let it get out of hand. 
I am noticing patterns that keep popping up.  I usually like to trip myself up when I am doing too well :)  That's how I roll! 
Well, enough is enough!  I no longer accept this!  Tonight I have eaten some crappy stuff and I have done the whole 'argue with myself, lose said argument, eat something crappy routine' a few times.  I am sure you've been here.  Anyway, just now I was thinking, as I have done many (many, many, many) times in the past, "you already screwed up, you may as well just go with it!". 
Then I stopped! 
I am calling a halt. 
I do not accept this! 
This is no longer me.  I matter more than this, and I won't be sucked back in again.  I will not let a cookie - or whatever, be the boss of me :)  I am kind of tired of coming down this road over and over again.  Maybe I should take the road less traveled :)  There is a lesson I need to learn here, though, obviously. 
Maybe this is it.  I just know that I am really happy that I was able to stop.  I will say that this is a victory.  I can stop, I know this now.  I know that just because it feels like I am out of control - it doesn't mean that I am! 
I am the boss, so there, cookie :P
 *Note to self - write, write, write and write some more.  It helps!!!

Bye for now,

Here's The Story...(part 1)

I really don't know where to start. So I will just write.
I want to put down into words how badly I was doing.  I am definitely using the past tense, because I am over it.  But, if I want to learn from the bad I need to acknowledge it, right? 
I was doing really bad.  I was eating enough to seriously worry me and it was pretty much all junk.  Ugh!  I was eating so much that it hurt and I could feel my body telling me to stop. 
I was stuck.  Deep in self-destructive behaviours. 
I felt overwhelmed and out of control and like I wasn't even the same person. 
I think the scariest part for me was that it (seemingly) came out of nowhere.  It's like I was walking along, doing great, and then I fell in a hole.  Seriously!!!  It was so sudden.  No transition at all.  Scary!  Looking back now I can put my finger on some of the things that were happening and I am sure these things were the beginning of my fall.  But, really, at the time it seemed like I had no control over the things I was doing. 
I don't want to go there again! 
I am glad for this experience though, strange as that may sound.  It showed me a lot of things.  I have really learned from this last misstep and I can't be upset about that. 
One thing that really hit home was the way I felt.  I was eating a lot of sugar, and I felt irritable and headache-y, and really just-plain-miserable.  The reason I say that this hit home is because I realized that I used to feel that way all the time.  Thirty pounds ago this was the way I felt on a day to day basis. 
I thought it was normal!
I didn't even know I was miserable. 
It's funny because as I am writing this I am beginning to tear up.  I feel like I was given the best gift of all for Christmas and it was the gift of perspective. 
I am no longer willing to accept bad things.  I am no longer willing to accept that my body feels weak or worn out or crappy.  I don't have to! 
I am no longer willing to be a slave to sugar.  I didn't even know I was. 
How many times was I cranky and snappish to the people I love because I was being brought down by food, by sugar?!?! 
If I didn't make this misstep I wouldn't know so well that I really am what I eat.  I am so glad that I was able to make this mistake really.  It was scary and it was dark and I seriously thought I may not be able to pull myself out.  But I did!!!  And I think that it was probably the biggest learning experience I have had so far on this journey. 
I have so much more to say, but I think this will be a good start.  I'll be back with more soon.  I really want to dig into those things that I think brought me down and get it all out but that's all for now...

Happy to be back on track,

Slacking Off!!!

I am being such a slacker. I did not post my weight on Tuesday. I do not want to make this a habit. Keeping this blog going is very important to me. Lately I have been doing the bare minimum to keep it going and I am not okay with that. I will not miss posting my weight anymore. I will start posting more. I am doing pretty well right now. But I am not feeling the fire as much. You know? That feeling that keeps you going and feeling inspired. I am not feeling it as much and so I slack off. I am still losing - slowly. But I know that I can do better.  I am starting to get back into it again, recognizing the progress I have made so far.  I am so close to 30 lbs lost and that amazes me.  I am wearing my engagement ring and my wedding band again.  Yay!!!  I am able to try clothes on in the regular section of the store - which is awesome, but a little overwhelming.  I am happier!  The last one is the most important of course.  I am going to spend some time being grateful and accepting myself.  I know that I will achieve my goals.  I plan on focusing on me again.  Hey, look at that - I can feel the excitement coming back!  Every time I post I feel it again a little more, and so, since I am not a dummy, I will post more.  Whatever I think or feel or really anything at all that keeps me going, I will be putting up here.  I am ready to get moving again.  Oh yeah my weight on Tuesday was 177.10 lbs.  I have three more to go until I am at 30 lost - Yay!!! 
Happy Thanksgiving to all of my American bloggy friends :)

Bye for now,

Loving The Journey

I am feeling fabulous! It is such a great feeling.  So I have been looking at what makes me feel this way. Strangely, it is not the number on the scale.  When I feel really great, it is because I am doing things that I love.
I have been struggling a bit lately and as I was looking back over my posts and reviewing my habits I realized something.  I am happiest and, consequently, lose the most weight, when I fill my days up with things that make me joyful. 
It turns into a cycle of good.  A cycle I definitely want to keep going.
I have been digging into my emotional crap a lot.  And I think that is good.  I believe it is necessary.  But I keep getting so caught up in the work of it that I forget to just be.
This week I have been doing things I love.  I have been reading books that inspire me, I have been listening to my positive thinking c.d., I have been drawing.  And yes, I have been exercising, and enjoying it!!!
I used to fill myself up with food and waste my time on mind numbing activities.  Now as I find myself waking up and stepping away from the food it seems like I have all of this extra space or time to fill up.
I have been taking away so much of my old life and at times I have felt a little scared and started to struggle.  It finally hit me.  Fill up the space with good.  With joy.  With all of the things you love.  Live like you deserve to be happy.  Take the time to do what you love.  Even if it is "silly" or "non-productive". 
I mean, seriously, when I draw what I create doesn't even usually make sense to me.  It may look crazy to others, or seem like a waste of time - but it makes me happy!!!
I think a lot of the time I feel like I deserve to be punished for what I have allowed myself to become.  I am making the journey harder than it has to be.  When I struggle, it seems like that is how it should be and I accept it. 
But what if I don't accept that? 
What if I decide that instead of feeling deprived I want to feel fulfilled? 
That is how I am feeling this week, and guess what - food doesn't feel like such a big deal this week.  Coincidence?  I think not!  I have decided to see what I can fill myself up with, if not food.
I feel fabulous!
I am excited about where I am going, sure.  But today I am loving the journey.  Isn't that exciting?  I am not going to block this feeling off anymore, I feel alive with energy and creativity.
Note to self: Keep it up :)




P.S. I am joining in on Lucy's Blog Hop again this week. I always find a lot of great blogs when I do :)

I Did It!!!

Hello and Happy Sunday :) I am just doing a quick post today to say - I did it!!!!! I have officially lost 20 lbs. Well 20.62, to be exact. I know that I have done it before, but I was stuck in this crazy mindset that it didn't really count unless it was on weigh in day. Weird, huh? So this time I am posting it and accepting it and moving forward. So, even though it is Sunday, and not Tuesday I am posting my weight. As of this morning I am at 183.48 lbs. I will not give that sneaky saboteur inside the chance to do her stuff. I am posting it and moving along, onto the next challenge :) I am really close to one of my personal goals which is to weigh 178 lbs. The only reason this is a mini goal is because I almost never used to weigh myself and so I have only two key weights I remember being at. One was 178 lbs. and it was when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter and the other is 155 lbs., right before I got married. So for some strange reason I am excited about getting to 178 lbs., and then moving right past it of course :) Hey I just realized something, I have lost at least 10% of my initial weight. That is the first goal I set out to make. Yay for me, I almost let it sneak past without noticing it. That is awesome! Well now I am feeling really good, and I will say goodbye on that note! Hope great things are happening for you today :)

Bye for now,

A Good Day :)

Today is a good day :) I am doing so well. It feels really good! I did really great yesterday, as well. I am setting goals and writing them down. I am keeping track of my food and I am being kind to myself. Yesterday I read this post written by Chris at A Deliberate Life and it really helped put things into perspective for me. Do I really want to quit? Of course not. I refuse to stand still and accept whatever I get. I am going to take control of my life. I am going to create it as beautifully as I can imagine. I am ready to accept all of the good things that are coming to me. It is amazing to me that after all the struggles it is really just as simple as choosing. I am just choosing to be better. That is it. I am choosing the good and accepting only the best things for me. I am getting healthy because I decided to quit trying. I decided that trying is nothing but a big waste of my time. I will not try to feel better and eat healthier and enjoy my life. I will just do it. Anyway, that's all :) I was just feeling really good and wanted to keep a reminder for myself. Accepting my good feels a lot better than quitting does!

Happy Friday!

An Awesome Idea!!!

I am feeling fabulous! I am loving it. It is amazing how everything seems to be shifting inside of me. I am ready to accept the very best and it just keeps coming to me. I know that it all has to do with my attitude. I am once again choosing to be happy and I can feel it in every part of my life. I am focused and I feel like I am really on track. But I also feel like if I have a slip up I am not going to let it consume me, the way I used to. I am being my own best friend and it has made so much difference.
It is crazy how so many small and seemingly simple changes can add up and completely change everything around. Little things like being kinder to myself, and taking time to enjoy myself. It can be as simple as taking the time to use my hand lotion, or doing my hair nicer, or even just taking a break with a cup of tea and a good book. I am letting myself do these things without guilt now, because I know that I deserve to be happy.
Can it be this simple? I just have to love myself? I think that it can be, I think this is the key. I am not saying that it is easy, but I know that I am going to make it to my goal. I just know it. I am loving myself and treating me the way I always should have. I am not being a victim anymore and letting other people tell me how I should be treated or how I should spend my time. I feel so many changes taking place inside of me and the weight loss is just a very small part of it. An awesome part for sure, but the key is just doing it. I don't accept excuses any longer, not from myself. I know that I will either do it or I won't, but the choice is mine.
One strange thing that is happening is that I am finding myself wide awake by 6 am. This is unheard of for me. I usually get up by 7, but I do it grudgingly and spend a good part of the morning feeling irritable and fuzzy-headed. But amazingly the last few days my eyes open and I am alert and happy to start my day. I feel like I have so many amazing things to discover. If I feel this much better already, what else is in store for me? What else have I been missing out on? I cannot wait to find out! The very best part is that I am now ready to accept all the good things coming my way.
I was reading this post on the blog 266 and LOVED (loved, loved, loved) the idea of the self preservation kit. I think the idea originally came from here on MizFit Online and I really, really can't wait to make one of my own. I even have the cutest hatbox, that my M.I.L. gave me as a gift, to fill with all my goodies. I am going to use it for days when I am feeling that I have to work a little harder at it, or when I just need a pick-me-up. I have a ton of ideas of what to put in there, things that inspire and energise me. Can't wait to get it done, I'll let you know what I come up with. Thank you ladies for the awesome idea.
Well I am off to do some laundry, the excitement never lets up around here ;)

Have the greatest day, you deserve it :)

Journaling and A Nice Compliment

I am writing down EVERYTHING I eat today. I am doing really well and actually counting calories! Yay me!!! I will keep this up. I know it is good for me. When I write down what I eat I actually stop and think before I put something in my mouth. Plus I never have to wonder if I am off track, I can just look in my food journal. Sometimes I am frustrated at how hard I am making this weight loss journey, but not today :) Today I know that it is only as hard as I make it. I am going to get out of the house with my sister and the kids and get moving. I have a lot of support and I am going to be grateful and accepting of all the help I can get. I am worth it, and I do deserve to be happy. This morning when my husband hugged me he said "You're wasting away" which is funny but soooo not true, but then he said "seriously I can really feel a difference in your waist". That was nice, he has really been great, and he is definitely noticing all the work I am doing. It feels good :)

Heading outside to enjoy the sun!

Weigh-In Day

So, it is Tuesday again. And that means weigh-in day. I have been a little worried that I wasn't losing and I have been a bit hard on myself, but I shouldn't have been. I didn't lose as much as I did last time, (and I didn't expect to) but I lost! So that is good. Really good!!! I definitely have to remember to stop worrying so much about a number and concentrate on how I am really doing. So, for the record, I am down to 197.12. But more importantly I am doing AMAZING!!! I am holding myself accountable, I am eating way better, and I am doing some sort of physical activity every day. I am being kinder to myself and I am learning to accept myself. Today I am proud of me and I am going to go with that feeling. So often I spend so much time putting myself down and I forget to see the great things I am accomplishing. I am learning to love myself and I know now that this is the key to losing this weight permanently. I hope everyone is having an awesome day - it is so sunny and bright here today.

Happy Tuesday!!!