Here I Go Again!!!

Hello :)
In the last month I have started many posts and not finished them.  I guess I have writer's block :)
I have been figuring some stuff out and maintaining my weight (with a little self-sabotage here and there). 
I really feel like I know myself like I never have before. I am really aware now. This makes some days hard, because I know that I am the main cause of my difficulties. But, in general every day is getting better and I am realizing more and more that I was in control all along.
I do have power and I am ready to get going again!!! 
I have realized that on the days I struggle it is usually because I am making things harder than they have to be.  If I stick to the basics and do simple things it all flows smoothly and I move along.  When I try to make huge changes and shake things up, or if I am hard on myself, I don't move at all. 
I am going to start reading back over some of my earlier post and begin again with the basics :)  I'll put my money where my mouth is and take some of my own advice!  It got me this far! 
I have a feeling that I am 'struggling' now because once I have gotten to my goal - then what?!?!?! 
I have to reassess my goals, come up with some new ones and get this bus moving again. 
I am more than ready to get going.
So far the plan is to start back up with my weekly weigh-ins.  I think it is time.  I will stick with Tuesdays, why not?  So next Tuesday will be weigh in day and I will keep it up until I reach my goal.
If I come up with any more plans I will keep you posted but for now it is going to be to keep it simple, be a great friend to myself, and just do it.

Bye for now,

Choices, Changes And Other Scary Things :)

I feel like I don't know who I am sometimes.
I feel scared.
I am really tired of it.

My moods are all over the place and it is so frustrating. 
On good days I am positive and moving forward and I feel like I can face anything because I am heading in the right direction.  I know that I am strong and capable.  I am doing it.  I am making it easy for myself and I am feeling great! 
On bad days...not so much.

I feel like I am under a microscope, I am over analyzing  everything. 
I have learned a lot about myself and why I behave the way I do.  So, when I am in a bad place and being really self destructive, I am aware enough now that I can see myself doing it.  You would think that that would make it easier, right?  I can see myself eating because someone hurt my feelings, or because I am pissed off (more likely lately) or I can see myself picking a fight with my husband and I know what is going on, so I stop, right?  Ummmmmm - NO!!!!  Not me.  I keep right on being self destructive and I continue the cycle. 

I have made so many changes. 
A lot of them are easy to see :) 
But most of them are not.  Most of them are inside of me. 
I feel like I have to work on my inside stuff and the outside stuff will work itself out accordingly ;) 

Because of all these changes I find myself looking around sometimes and wondering who's life this is.
Can it really be mine? 
I can hardly explain it, but the Cara I was a year ago liked to hide.  It seems that my whole life has been engineered so that I could hide away from the world.  The weight, the fact that I chose to stay at home after I had my kids, the fact that I let all of my friends drift away over the years.  I turned my home into a very quiet hiding place, now it seems like a really comfortable cage. 

I am not that girl.  I am not! 

I don't want to hide, I don't want to be alone all the time.  I don't even like t.v. anymore!  I don't even know that girl.  I tried to explain to my husband that it would be like letting someone else pick out your whole life and then you just move into it.  It sounds mean though.  I sound ungrateful and, I am worried, crazy! 
How can I feel like this?  I am the same person, aren't I? 
Sometimes I feel so confused that I have no words and I am quiet. 

As I write this out I hear how weird it sounds, but I am also starting to figure it out.  When I typed the words 'I am not that girl'  it sort of clicked.
I keep feeling like I have a choice right now. 
I can go back to the way things were and back to that girl who fits into this life comfortably or I can keep moving on and adjust my life accordingly. 
Pretty obvious, now that it's out there like that :) 

Either way I chose it is going to be a struggle. 
To go back would be horrible.  To feel that way again.  So miserable, so alone, so sad.  But it would have it's perks too.  All I can eat, really!  I know it works for me, it must have.  I can slide back in so easily, I know how it all goes. 
To keep moving on, though.  That will be hard and scary for different reasons, but still hard and scary.  For starters, I do not like change.  Even good changes freak me out a bit. 
I am new at this confidence thing, it takes confidence to change and grow and move forward. 
What if my husband and I grow apart as I change? 

I know that this is really sounding ridiculous, it is to me now :) 
But these are all of the things that are swirling around in my brain. 
Obviously I do have a choice, but I probably don't have to make it the big thing that I have been.  It is a decision that I have to keep making everyday and over time, just as always, things will start to work their way to where they are supposed to be. 

So, anyway...that was a bit of a rambler, huh? 
I am a little embarrassed to post this one, but I am gonna keep it real :) 
I think I may have a pretty good handle on what is going on now, anyways. 
So that is good!
 
I hope your days are sunny and a lot less complicated than I make mine :)
Bye for now,
 

No More 'Spinning Tires', I'm Ready To 'Kick Up Some Mud'!!!

A while ago someone asked me if people from my 'real life' read my blog and if it influenced my writing. My answer was no. As far as I am aware nobody that I actually know reads my blog.  And I didn't think it would influence my writing if they did.

But I was wrong!

I am still not sure if anyone I 'know' reads, but I now know that my writing is influenced by my readers.

It has to be!

Because if I wasn't influenced by what my readers may think I would be posting a lot more. I would post more of the struggle, the way I did in the beginning.
The way I intended to post all along.  I would journal this whole journey - good and bad -  and I would let it all out.

I started this blog for me. I used it to sort out my feelings and issues where food is concerned and I used it to learn more about myself and grow. I left it open for others to read and I even mention it to people in my life. But I never really cared if anyone read or not.
I figured if they did that was good and fine, but ultimately this was for me.

Now I feel like I am being a downer if I post my garbage.  I feel like I should only post certain things.
This is a problem!

I am either going to do this or I am not. I obviously have to do it the way that works for me, so I have to continue this journey the way I started it.
I think that I must have been using this as an excuse for a while now.  Something like "Don't post this, nobody wants to read this", so instead I remain silent and (shockingly) I am not making any progress.

I need to get back to basics.  I need to get back to what works for me! 
It really occurred to me the other day that I can either have excuses or I can have results.  I am so tired of the excuses!

I am working through a lot of things right now and I need to write them out.  I am feeling a bit uncentered and out of control.  Like I don't know where to head next, and I want to work these things through.
I am tired of sitting here with my tires spinning!  So, I guess, I am going to kick up some mud and get myself out of this rut! :)

I do want to say that I love all of my readers and supporters and I have been more inspired by you guys than you will ever know.  So please understand, if I get depressing or moody, I am not doing it to bring anyone down.  I am doing it to work it through and get it out.  I feel like this is what works for me, and I am ready to move on now.

Oh, and if anyone stuck through this post 'til the end, thanks :)  I am sure it was a bit rambly and incoherent, but that's where I'm at right now I guess :)

I will be back tomorrow to update my weekly weigh in chart and start fresh.  Weigh-in Day is Tuesday and I am so ready to start year two of this journey!

Bye for now,

I'm Making Things Easy For Myself Now

I was searching the net for some "positive affirmations for weight loss" and I decided to check the first site on the list.  I did this mainly because I want to distract myself from the plate of homemade shortbread in the kitchen.  Mmmmmmmmm!!!  Love It! 
Sorry :)  I got a little sidetracked there ;)   
Anyway, I was saying that I clicked on the first site on the list, and I was going to say that I am glad I did.  Two of the affirmations on this list really stuck out to me. 
The first one was: Losing weight is effortless. 
And the second one was: I'm making things easy for myself now. 
Both of these statements really grabbed my attention.  I know that losing weight is effortless.  I have proven it to myself time and again.  What could be easier than losing weight?  You don't have to really do anything to lose weight.  You just have to not do some things ;)  I mean, sure, exercise is important and it will make you feel better.  But mostly you just have to not eat all the cookies, doughnuts, muffins, chips, crackers, etc., etc., etc. 
Losing weight is effortless, it's the job of convincing myself to do it that is hard.
I swear, all of the work I do is internal.  Continuous arguments back and forth.  Except, instead of having an angel and a devil on my shoulders I have fat me and thin me.  Both clever, both indefatigable, both driving me crazy :) 
Which brings me to the next affirmation that is sticking with me: I'm making things easy for myself now.   
This is how it works, for me at least.  I work through my inner turmoil - enter fatty and skinny :), I convince myself to just do it, then I do it, really!!!, usually for a while, ...and the cycle continues. 
But, for today, I am convinced!  I am going to step away from the struggle, for today, and I am going to just do it already!!!  Today I am definitely making things easy for myself.  Yay :)

Here's the whole list of affirmations if you are interested:
I'm on the road to fitness.
I am feeling thinner today.
I'm losing weight now.
I look and feel lighter today.
I'm enjoying how I'm feeling now.
I love the feeling of making progress.
I love the food that makes me thin.
Losing weight is effortless.
I am going to fit into the next size smaller any minute.
I enjoy being healthy.
I'm making things easy for myself now.
My body is getting stronger, slimmer, and healthier every day.
I feel so thin inside, my outer is just about to catch up.

Hope you are having an easy day too,

Frustrated and Other Crap

Hi. I have been meaning to get on for a while and post, but I haven't for two reasons. Reason #1 is that my computer is being a huge P.I.T.A. and reason #2 is that I am in a crappy place right now. Really crappy! I hate this!!! Why do I make it so hard? I am hoping it is almost over and really trying to move myself onto my happy place :) But it feels a bit like depression. Ugh! I am sure it must mean I am going to have a huge breakthrough or something, at least that is what the tiny bit of positive thinking I have left is telling me. In the past, whenever it gets really hard it means I am working through a huge thing. So if I keep it up I will learn something and grow, right? But I am tired. I hate the struggle today. I know I am being mopey and doing this to myself. I am aware. I just really feel like it is too much. I did weigh myself on Tuesday and woohoo I gained 1.54 lbs. I am up to 186.56 lbs. It is that t.o.m. so that could explain a few things, but even a small gain is enough to really bother me when I am in the place of crap. I think this all has something to do with 20 lbs. For some reason my mind has some kind of block set up. It keeps saying things like "you can't lose 20 lbs - you never have!" or "you don't have what it takes", plus a lot more crap. I can't seem to force myself over the 20 lb mark. I have even gotten up to 21 lbs lost (between my weekly weigh-ins), but I am always back below the 20 lb mark when my weigh in day comes around. I am doing it on purpose!!!! I am sabotaging myself! Crap! Crappity crap! If there happen to be any readers out there - sorry for the depressing stuff, and also for the excessive use of the word crap :) I am sure it will be over soon. I am still not giving up, I just feel like it. Not loving the journey this week, but I still know it is so worth it, so that is something. On a much better note, I had an amazing time with my husband when we went away. I wish we could go again right now. I am going to be a good friend to myself and work through this - even if I would rather just kick my own ass. Well I am off for now. I have some plans and ideas running around in my head.

Bye for now,