Choices, Changes And Other Scary Things :)

I feel like I don't know who I am sometimes.
I feel scared.
I am really tired of it.

My moods are all over the place and it is so frustrating. 
On good days I am positive and moving forward and I feel like I can face anything because I am heading in the right direction.  I know that I am strong and capable.  I am doing it.  I am making it easy for myself and I am feeling great! 
On bad days...not so much.

I feel like I am under a microscope, I am over analyzing  everything. 
I have learned a lot about myself and why I behave the way I do.  So, when I am in a bad place and being really self destructive, I am aware enough now that I can see myself doing it.  You would think that that would make it easier, right?  I can see myself eating because someone hurt my feelings, or because I am pissed off (more likely lately) or I can see myself picking a fight with my husband and I know what is going on, so I stop, right?  Ummmmmm - NO!!!!  Not me.  I keep right on being self destructive and I continue the cycle. 

I have made so many changes. 
A lot of them are easy to see :) 
But most of them are not.  Most of them are inside of me. 
I feel like I have to work on my inside stuff and the outside stuff will work itself out accordingly ;) 

Because of all these changes I find myself looking around sometimes and wondering who's life this is.
Can it really be mine? 
I can hardly explain it, but the Cara I was a year ago liked to hide.  It seems that my whole life has been engineered so that I could hide away from the world.  The weight, the fact that I chose to stay at home after I had my kids, the fact that I let all of my friends drift away over the years.  I turned my home into a very quiet hiding place, now it seems like a really comfortable cage. 

I am not that girl.  I am not! 

I don't want to hide, I don't want to be alone all the time.  I don't even like t.v. anymore!  I don't even know that girl.  I tried to explain to my husband that it would be like letting someone else pick out your whole life and then you just move into it.  It sounds mean though.  I sound ungrateful and, I am worried, crazy! 
How can I feel like this?  I am the same person, aren't I? 
Sometimes I feel so confused that I have no words and I am quiet. 

As I write this out I hear how weird it sounds, but I am also starting to figure it out.  When I typed the words 'I am not that girl'  it sort of clicked.
I keep feeling like I have a choice right now. 
I can go back to the way things were and back to that girl who fits into this life comfortably or I can keep moving on and adjust my life accordingly. 
Pretty obvious, now that it's out there like that :) 

Either way I chose it is going to be a struggle. 
To go back would be horrible.  To feel that way again.  So miserable, so alone, so sad.  But it would have it's perks too.  All I can eat, really!  I know it works for me, it must have.  I can slide back in so easily, I know how it all goes. 
To keep moving on, though.  That will be hard and scary for different reasons, but still hard and scary.  For starters, I do not like change.  Even good changes freak me out a bit. 
I am new at this confidence thing, it takes confidence to change and grow and move forward. 
What if my husband and I grow apart as I change? 

I know that this is really sounding ridiculous, it is to me now :) 
But these are all of the things that are swirling around in my brain. 
Obviously I do have a choice, but I probably don't have to make it the big thing that I have been.  It is a decision that I have to keep making everyday and over time, just as always, things will start to work their way to where they are supposed to be. 

So, anyway...that was a bit of a rambler, huh? 
I am a little embarrassed to post this one, but I am gonna keep it real :) 
I think I may have a pretty good handle on what is going on now, anyways. 
So that is good!
 
I hope your days are sunny and a lot less complicated than I make mine :)
Bye for now,
 

Weird!

I know I have a post in this head somewhere and I am going to type until it comes out :)

I have been noticing a huge difference in the way people treat me lately. Does this happen to you too? I feel like everyone around me is treating me differently. Some people seem to think I am some sort of 'Diet Guru' or something, and they want to know my "secret". I hate this! Not because I don't want to be helpful, but because it seems like no matter what I say it is always the opposite of helpful.

If I start talking about positive thinking and visualizing I can seriously see their eyes glazing over. I am sure I sound like a crazy person and the conversation is almost always uncomfortable.

I have had people tell me that I look really good, but kind of in an accusatory way. If that makes sense. Some try to explain to me why it is harder for them to do it, almost like I am judging them - which I would never do! I still feel the same inside, but I am treated SO differently. It is a little surreal.

I am sure everyone that is losing weight deals with this, but it is not at all like I expected it to be. I thought that everyone around me would be happy for me and supportive, and a lot are. But some people seem to be really uncomfortable around me now. It makes me feel bad sometimes.

It just occurred to me that the old Cara would use this as an excuse to quit. Something like "hey, you are drawing attention to yourself", or "you are making people uncomfortable, you should stop". I will not! But I wish that I was better at dealing with these changes. It seems like right now my body is changing faster than my mind or something.

I still have self esteem issues, shocking I know :) I feel like the fat girl and everyone is treating me like I am someone else, it is hard to wrap my head around. I usually feel like I am stumbling along, and making it up as I go and suddenly I am treated like I have all the answers. Weird!

Well, that's it for now I guess. I almost feel like I am being mean or something if I post this. But it is where I am at right now, so it is getting posted.

Happy Saturday :)

Weekly Weigh In (Updated)

Hi :)  Happy New Year!!!  I am still here.  Just doing a lousy job at keeping my blog updated.  Which means, as I am sure you know, that I have not been doing so well.  But that is all for another post, because right now I just want to update all of my weekly weigh-ins that I didn't enter before.  I got the info off my Wii, so the list is officially updated.  Now I will be moving forward.  I have a bunch to tell you about.  So I plan to be back soon and post it.  I started a new challenge, I learned a thing or two about sugar...there are definitely some posts coming.  I am feeling back on track and I am not taking it for granted this time.

Dec.   7 - 177.98 lbs.
Dec. 14 - 178.64 lbs.
Dec. 21 - 174.02 lbs.
Dec. 28 - 175.56 lbs.
Jan.    4 - 176.66 lbs.

Jan.    6 - 174.02 lbs. - And today's weight just because I wanted to make a note of how quickly things change when I start taking care of myself and cutting out all of the junk and the sugary or salty things.  It seems crazy that my weight can change that much in such a short time.  Does this happen to everyone?

Well, anyway, I am all updated and ready to get moving again - happy to be moving on!

Bye for now,

An Awesome Idea!!!

I am feeling fabulous! I am loving it. It is amazing how everything seems to be shifting inside of me. I am ready to accept the very best and it just keeps coming to me. I know that it all has to do with my attitude. I am once again choosing to be happy and I can feel it in every part of my life. I am focused and I feel like I am really on track. But I also feel like if I have a slip up I am not going to let it consume me, the way I used to. I am being my own best friend and it has made so much difference.
It is crazy how so many small and seemingly simple changes can add up and completely change everything around. Little things like being kinder to myself, and taking time to enjoy myself. It can be as simple as taking the time to use my hand lotion, or doing my hair nicer, or even just taking a break with a cup of tea and a good book. I am letting myself do these things without guilt now, because I know that I deserve to be happy.
Can it be this simple? I just have to love myself? I think that it can be, I think this is the key. I am not saying that it is easy, but I know that I am going to make it to my goal. I just know it. I am loving myself and treating me the way I always should have. I am not being a victim anymore and letting other people tell me how I should be treated or how I should spend my time. I feel so many changes taking place inside of me and the weight loss is just a very small part of it. An awesome part for sure, but the key is just doing it. I don't accept excuses any longer, not from myself. I know that I will either do it or I won't, but the choice is mine.
One strange thing that is happening is that I am finding myself wide awake by 6 am. This is unheard of for me. I usually get up by 7, but I do it grudgingly and spend a good part of the morning feeling irritable and fuzzy-headed. But amazingly the last few days my eyes open and I am alert and happy to start my day. I feel like I have so many amazing things to discover. If I feel this much better already, what else is in store for me? What else have I been missing out on? I cannot wait to find out! The very best part is that I am now ready to accept all the good things coming my way.
I was reading this post on the blog 266 and LOVED (loved, loved, loved) the idea of the self preservation kit. I think the idea originally came from here on MizFit Online and I really, really can't wait to make one of my own. I even have the cutest hatbox, that my M.I.L. gave me as a gift, to fill with all my goodies. I am going to use it for days when I am feeling that I have to work a little harder at it, or when I just need a pick-me-up. I have a ton of ideas of what to put in there, things that inspire and energise me. Can't wait to get it done, I'll let you know what I come up with. Thank you ladies for the awesome idea.
Well I am off to do some laundry, the excitement never lets up around here ;)

Have the greatest day, you deserve it :)

I AM a Super-Star!!!

Today I am amazed with me :) I had pizza last night, and I did not lose control! That is AMAZING!!! You should know that I LOVE pizza - among other things :) I mean I love it a lot, a whole lot. My husband suggested it for dinner and I was a little worried about how excited I was. The amazing part is that when I realized I was getting too excited about dinner, I stopped and thought. I have never had that much control before. Or, I mean, I have never let myself have that much control before ;) It was a very good feeling. I didn't let myself lose control, I just planned ahead. While my husband went to pick up the pizza I made myself a salad and I committed to having just two pieces. And GUESS WHAT, I ate my salad and then I only had two pieces. That is unheard of around here. Yay me!!! Then after supper we went for a walk! Yeah, I feel a little bit like a super-star, LOL! Whenever I used to have one of my trigger foods I would have a whole inner dialogue going on where my inner sabotager would say things like: "You know you are going to fall off the wagon eventually, you may as well have all the pizza you want now" or "When it's gone you are going to regret not having more", plus a tonne of other bitchy and mean things. I could go on and on and on. It felt really good not to have to listen to her last night. It was a really good example of how I am changing. It isn't just the number on the scale, my whole mindset is undergoing a huge change. I am really happy and glad that I am remembering to congratulate myself for all of the little triumphs along the way :)

Have a great weekend!!!

Hiding

I read a very interesting post by Amy on Once Upon A Time...In the Land of Cheese and Sunkist and it definitely got me thinking about the things I hide behind. I actually thought this was pretty funny because I posted about hiding on my other blog in February and that post seems really relevant now. Here is my post, I really think it answers the question of how I hide pretty well:

I feel like I am opening my eyes, for the first time in a long while. It is sometimes almost too bright and the change is a little scary, but I am ready to stop hiding.
If you have been reading along you may have noticed that I am not a huge fan of change. I resist, I make excuses and I hide. I have been aware of this for a while and I have been moving along with this awareness. Often, it seems, at a snails pace :) Sometimes it seems especially hard, and I am sure that at these times I am making the most progress.
I am really amazed at how many different ways I have found to hide over the years. Things I thought I did just for enjoyment, that were really ways to hide out :)
For example, I LOVE to read. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you. Books are great, but I have definitely been using them as a way to hide from or avoid unpleasantness. OK, if I am completely honest, I have to say I have also used them to avoid change in any way! There are other ways that I have hidden, I am after all very creative :)
But I have to say one of the most self-destructive ways I chose to hide was by gaining weight. This probably doesn't make sense to you, or maybe it does, but by gaining weight I have hidden myself very effectively. It is almost like the more weight I gain the less I can see me. The less I AM me! I am inside somewhere, but I am hidden. In many ways this has really been working for me, avoider (yes I know that isn't really a word) that I am :) But now that I am opening my eyes and looking around I see that I don't want to let this go on.
Usually at this point I stop and close my eyes again. Because change is hard and I really don't like it. But lately I have been letting my true self out more and I find that I really like her, A LOT! Way more than I like this other person I have let myself become.
So change will be necessary it seems.
I was looking at a website recently called Secrets Of A Weight Loss Master and it really made a lot of sense to me. Especially when I read that "The secret to permanent weight loss is to remember and recover who you really are." So on my Journey of change today I thought I would work on using a few of the Affirmations I found there. Here they are if you would like to use them yourself:

• Just for today I will practice self-acceptance. The struggle ends with me. I choose to stop struggling. I deserve peace.

• Joy is my natural state. I will begin to act from my center and tap into the joy that is mine.

• I let go easily of the things that no longer serve me. Life is a series of endings and new beginnings. I surrender the old, so that I may receive the new.

Happy thoughts to you :)

Oh, and, how do you hide?

I am still going to work on this because I know it will be good for me to dig a little deeper, but I think this is a good beginning :) I am so glad I decided to blog my weight-loss. I am already so inspired by all the wonderful blogs I have found and I just know that I am going to make it this time. I am really working on my whole self and I thank you all for making me look into myself more!