I Was Scared

Hello :)
In my last post I mentioned that I was going to weigh myself on Tuesday and that I was going to start my weekly weigh-ins again until I reach my goal.
I wasn't lying, I had every intention of weighing myself on Tuesday. 
But then Tuesday came and I was.......scared!!!   I was scared to step on that stupid thing and post my weight here again and it felt like a big. huge. deal. 
Silly me :)  Sometimes that side of me still takes over, I guess know. 
So, because I really do want to get moving again I just stepped on the scale this morning.  For some reason just doing that one little thing makes me feel more powerful. 
When I do not weigh in it is because I am worried, nervous, doubtful, anxious, scared, etc., etc., etc. 
So just the act of stepping on the scale is like taking back some of the control. 
Whether the number is a good one - you know what I mean :) - or a bad one, I have faced it and I am not just wondering.  For me it is always a step forward.
So, needless to say, I am happy I did it. 
Now I feel like I am aware, and I have a new start, and I am ready to move again! 
I am up about 2 lbs. from my absolute lowest (my crazy head had me convinced it was more like 15 lbs.) 
My official weight this morning is 148.52 lbs. 
Tuesday I will post my weight on my chart and I am not letting my fear stop me.
You know if this journey wasn't so consuming and frustrating it would really be quite fascinating.  I am figuring out so much about myself and I am actually amazed sometimes with the things I learn. 
Anyway, that's it for today :)

Bye for now,

Choices, Changes And Other Scary Things :)

I feel like I don't know who I am sometimes.
I feel scared.
I am really tired of it.

My moods are all over the place and it is so frustrating. 
On good days I am positive and moving forward and I feel like I can face anything because I am heading in the right direction.  I know that I am strong and capable.  I am doing it.  I am making it easy for myself and I am feeling great! 
On bad days...not so much.

I feel like I am under a microscope, I am over analyzing  everything. 
I have learned a lot about myself and why I behave the way I do.  So, when I am in a bad place and being really self destructive, I am aware enough now that I can see myself doing it.  You would think that that would make it easier, right?  I can see myself eating because someone hurt my feelings, or because I am pissed off (more likely lately) or I can see myself picking a fight with my husband and I know what is going on, so I stop, right?  Ummmmmm - NO!!!!  Not me.  I keep right on being self destructive and I continue the cycle. 

I have made so many changes. 
A lot of them are easy to see :) 
But most of them are not.  Most of them are inside of me. 
I feel like I have to work on my inside stuff and the outside stuff will work itself out accordingly ;) 

Because of all these changes I find myself looking around sometimes and wondering who's life this is.
Can it really be mine? 
I can hardly explain it, but the Cara I was a year ago liked to hide.  It seems that my whole life has been engineered so that I could hide away from the world.  The weight, the fact that I chose to stay at home after I had my kids, the fact that I let all of my friends drift away over the years.  I turned my home into a very quiet hiding place, now it seems like a really comfortable cage. 

I am not that girl.  I am not! 

I don't want to hide, I don't want to be alone all the time.  I don't even like t.v. anymore!  I don't even know that girl.  I tried to explain to my husband that it would be like letting someone else pick out your whole life and then you just move into it.  It sounds mean though.  I sound ungrateful and, I am worried, crazy! 
How can I feel like this?  I am the same person, aren't I? 
Sometimes I feel so confused that I have no words and I am quiet. 

As I write this out I hear how weird it sounds, but I am also starting to figure it out.  When I typed the words 'I am not that girl'  it sort of clicked.
I keep feeling like I have a choice right now. 
I can go back to the way things were and back to that girl who fits into this life comfortably or I can keep moving on and adjust my life accordingly. 
Pretty obvious, now that it's out there like that :) 

Either way I chose it is going to be a struggle. 
To go back would be horrible.  To feel that way again.  So miserable, so alone, so sad.  But it would have it's perks too.  All I can eat, really!  I know it works for me, it must have.  I can slide back in so easily, I know how it all goes. 
To keep moving on, though.  That will be hard and scary for different reasons, but still hard and scary.  For starters, I do not like change.  Even good changes freak me out a bit. 
I am new at this confidence thing, it takes confidence to change and grow and move forward. 
What if my husband and I grow apart as I change? 

I know that this is really sounding ridiculous, it is to me now :) 
But these are all of the things that are swirling around in my brain. 
Obviously I do have a choice, but I probably don't have to make it the big thing that I have been.  It is a decision that I have to keep making everyday and over time, just as always, things will start to work their way to where they are supposed to be. 

So, anyway...that was a bit of a rambler, huh? 
I am a little embarrassed to post this one, but I am gonna keep it real :) 
I think I may have a pretty good handle on what is going on now, anyways. 
So that is good!
 
I hope your days are sunny and a lot less complicated than I make mine :)
Bye for now,
 

It Feels Like A Hug!

I was thinking, recently, about how hard it is sometimes to actually feel all of these things I am going through.  You know, working through it all instead of hiding from it?  But then I stopped and thought it through.  Is it really harder?  It may sound harder to actually deal with my baggage.  To work through it step by step.  But it feels kind of like a hug!  Before when things got uncomfortable, I turned away from them.  I pushed them down, mainly with food.  I didn't let them out.  I held everything in and I created a feeling of shame.  Unnecessary!  I remember a time from my childhood.  I was around 13 or 15 and I was dealing with a very difficult situation.  I was scared and confused.  I asked someone very important to talk with me.  I asked for help and she said "Cara, just drop it!".  I think I have been doing this ever since, dropping it!  I think I learned pretty early that if something is difficult or scary you just ignore it.  I ignored so many things that it got to be a job, it was work trying to hide from all that uncomfortable stuff.  I created a monster out of it.  A monster that would lurk in the silence, waiting to pounce if ever I was idle.  Hiding from that guy is hard work, all consuming!  Now what I am doing.  Actually working through it all.  That feels like a hug!  Really!  Because it is like saying to that girl inside of me.  "I want to hear you, you are important.  You are loved!  Your feelings matter!"  I am a good friend :)

Bye for now,

I Didn't Weigh Myself Tuesday...

because I was scared.  I haven't been really exercising.  Hardly at all.  I have been doing really well with my eating, but in the last few days I could have done better.  I honestly haven't been doing the best I can and I expected the scale to show that.  SO... I didn't weigh.  I really worry too much!  I make a huge deal out of things and they aren't ever as bad as I expect them to be.  How annoying!  I am definitely over that crappy bad habit.  It is one I plan on kicking right away.  It is definitely not doing me any favours.  I will weigh every Tuesday from now on.  No matter what!  No Excuses!!!  When I don't stick to this I slide off track.  So, since I know this, and I really am not a dummy :)  I will stick with my Tuesday weigh ins!  But for this weigh in Thursday will have to do.  My weight this morning was 168.52 lbs.  Which means I finally broke through the 35 lb lost mark!  Yay!!!  Now on to forty.  No time for stopping, no time to over think or analyze right now, lets just do this already!  So glad to be heading in the right direction :)

Happy Thursday,

Shredding

I did it!!! Day one of the 30 Day Shred, I mean. I was thinking of joining Syl's October Challenge, but I wasn't sure if my DVD would be here on time.  And, to be honest, I was a little scared intimidated to join in.  I figured it would be hard, and horrible and unbearable.  Well, anyway, my copy got here yesterday.  So I started it today, and I am going to challenge myself.  It was hard, for sure, but not as hard as I was expecting.  It seems crazy that I can do this.  I remember when I was so challenged just doing the step exercise on the Wii Fit Plus.  I was so surprised when I finished it.  My 9 y.o. daughter asked why I was so excited and I said "I didn't think I would be able to do it" so she say's "You just don't give yourself enough credit".  Smarty Pants!!!  I guess she has been listening to me :)  Oh, and just so I can look back and see future improvement (on those days when I may want to quit) I have to say:
jumping jacks - Yikes!!!
push ups - Ouch!!!
and sideways, lunge-y thingies with hand weights - Raaaargh!!!  :)

Happy Friday,

Deserving

I have really been struggling through the process of writing this post. The amount of struggle tells me I am onto something big and I am both scared, and excited to get the process started.
I am aware, and have been for quite a while now, that I am pretty self destructive.
Maybe all of us are.
But I am really conscious of it now, and I think know that is a good thing. After all how can I change something if I do not recognize it?
I have struggled with feelings of hate and they have brought me to where I am today.
I choose to love myself. But sometimes, still, those feelings of self-loathing will come out and cause me to derail myself. Or self-destruct. I know that I am doing this to myself and I am finally starting to figure out why.
It is a matter of deserving. I, on some level, have always believed that I do not deserve to be happy. I deserve to have bad things happen to me. I deserve to be uncomfortable, unhealthy, unloved, etc. The list goes on and on and on. I have found a lot of really creative and unpleasant ways to prove to myself again and again just how undeserving I am.
I know that this is not true, now, that I am not undeserving. At least on a conscious level I know this. But there is still a part of me, the self loathing, self-destructive part, that tries to defeat me.
I have been writing this post for a while now, and getting nowhere. I have so many words, but nothing seems sensible. It is as if I do not really want to break free of this. I am sure on some level that is true. So, for today, I will write what I have and see if it moves me forward.
I will work it through.
Little by little.
For as long as it takes.
I am fighting, for all of the good things inside of me. The bad stuff is not entirely ready to let go. But I am not giving up. Maybe if I keep shining a light on this stuff, I will find my way free. I know that it can happen, I have to keep going. It is worth a shot anyway.
This is definitely one of those uncomfortable things I was talking about before.
So.....back to deserving. I have lived my life with the attitude that I do not deserve to be happy. It is so obvious to me now. I have everything I ever wanted and I have not allowed myself to be entirely happy. Because obviously, if you are going to punish yourself, happiness is not allowed. I am not going to catalogue every way that I have denied myself happiness. I think that to do that is to dwell in the dark, and I am shining a light here :)
Please know that I am aware of these instances and not ignoring them, I am just not giving them any more power. I could write and write all of the things I deserved, but I think recognizing them is enough. If not I guess at a later date I can bore you with all of the details ;)
I think I will stop there for now and just get this out there once and for all.

I thought this affirmation was really fitting for today:

Just for today I will practice self-acceptance. The struggle ends with me. I choose to stop struggling. I deserve peace.

I already posted it here, but it works :)

Oh and this is where I found it in the first place!

Hope you have an awesome weekend!
Bye for now,

Bumpy Road

I am having such a hard time right now. I know that this is normal and I thought I was ready for it...but I wasn't. I am soooo frustrated right now. I am angry and irritable. It does not help that it it my t.o.m. - grrrrrrr!!! I have been having some mid-sized binges lately. I say mid-sized because it wasn't as bad as it can get, but it definitely counted. I have been gaining weight one day and losing it the next. I know this because my trusty Wii Fit Plus :) tells me every morning. But who am I kidding, I already know. It is like a battle is going on inside of me. I guess there kind of is. The fat girl in me is scared to get lost and the skinny girl in me is tired of hiding. Fatty always wins! She does not play fair. It feels like every reason I have for being fat - 'cause trust me, fat works for me - is coming up and I am feeling so many things that I hate right now. I am angry at my husband for something that happened seven years ago. Ugh! Seriously, I thought I dealt with this crap already!!! I guess not. It seems like I am fat partly because I am punishing him, how messed up is that?!?!?!? It's like I am staying fat because he deserves a fat wife. How do I get past this without bringing up ancient crap I don't even want to think about? Any ideas? Just kidding - I know I have to figure it out by myself. That is part of the journey, I guess! And I WILL figure it out. Because I am sick and tired of giving up. I am not starting again. This is it! No excuses! I can do this, I will! If tomorrow brings another gain I will just get rid of it again. It's hard right now, but even already on this journey I have felt such good feelings that I know it is going to be worth it. Definitely worth it in the end :)

Hope your journey is easier than mine today :) Happy Friday!