GRRRRR!!!

I am thinking of shutting my blog down, or making it private, or taking some other drastic action right now.  So, I will probably give it some time, cool off, and then decide what to do.  The day after my last post I went to sign in to my blog and was told that Google had shut me down because they didn't believe I was older than 13.  They said I had changed my birthday (I didn't), so I am a little concerned that someone else may have had access to my account.   It has taken me all this time to get the situation straightened out.  There have been a couple of other issues, mainly a spammy comment situation that had me worried, and right now I am not feeling too confident about this blogging thing :)  Anyway, I just wanted to post about where I, and my blog, have been.  It was really upsetting to think that all of the posts I had written and all of my tracking was gone.  On another note I have been keeping track of my weight and I am maintaining.  I am pretty sure I will be back but for right now....grrrrrr!!! :)

Bye for now,

I Was Scared

Hello :)
In my last post I mentioned that I was going to weigh myself on Tuesday and that I was going to start my weekly weigh-ins again until I reach my goal.
I wasn't lying, I had every intention of weighing myself on Tuesday. 
But then Tuesday came and I was.......scared!!!   I was scared to step on that stupid thing and post my weight here again and it felt like a big. huge. deal. 
Silly me :)  Sometimes that side of me still takes over, I guess know. 
So, because I really do want to get moving again I just stepped on the scale this morning.  For some reason just doing that one little thing makes me feel more powerful. 
When I do not weigh in it is because I am worried, nervous, doubtful, anxious, scared, etc., etc., etc. 
So just the act of stepping on the scale is like taking back some of the control. 
Whether the number is a good one - you know what I mean :) - or a bad one, I have faced it and I am not just wondering.  For me it is always a step forward.
So, needless to say, I am happy I did it. 
Now I feel like I am aware, and I have a new start, and I am ready to move again! 
I am up about 2 lbs. from my absolute lowest (my crazy head had me convinced it was more like 15 lbs.) 
My official weight this morning is 148.52 lbs. 
Tuesday I will post my weight on my chart and I am not letting my fear stop me.
You know if this journey wasn't so consuming and frustrating it would really be quite fascinating.  I am figuring out so much about myself and I am actually amazed sometimes with the things I learn. 
Anyway, that's it for today :)

Bye for now,

Weigh-In Day

Hello!  Today is Tuesday, and here I am again!  Two weeks in a row, wow :)  My weigh in this morning was less fantastic than I had hoped for, but I knew it was going to be a gain, so I am not surprised.  I am at 168.74 lbs.  It's not the number that I am worried about.  It is the fact that I can still get so caught up in my self destructive behaviours.  It is frustrating sometimes.  You may have noticed from my last post that I was feeling a bit frustrated :)  It doesn't happen too often any more, thankfully!  But when it does, it is awful.  I am feeling really good right now and I am ready to move forward.  I will be posting about my personal challenge soon.  I am feeling stuck and I am not going to settle for it.  I can sit here and wait until I feel motivated or I can move now!  Anyway that is all for now.  I'll be back soon to post about my challenge :)

Bye for now,

Here's The Story...(part 1)

I really don't know where to start. So I will just write.
I want to put down into words how badly I was doing.  I am definitely using the past tense, because I am over it.  But, if I want to learn from the bad I need to acknowledge it, right? 
I was doing really bad.  I was eating enough to seriously worry me and it was pretty much all junk.  Ugh!  I was eating so much that it hurt and I could feel my body telling me to stop. 
I was stuck.  Deep in self-destructive behaviours. 
I felt overwhelmed and out of control and like I wasn't even the same person. 
I think the scariest part for me was that it (seemingly) came out of nowhere.  It's like I was walking along, doing great, and then I fell in a hole.  Seriously!!!  It was so sudden.  No transition at all.  Scary!  Looking back now I can put my finger on some of the things that were happening and I am sure these things were the beginning of my fall.  But, really, at the time it seemed like I had no control over the things I was doing. 
I don't want to go there again! 
I am glad for this experience though, strange as that may sound.  It showed me a lot of things.  I have really learned from this last misstep and I can't be upset about that. 
One thing that really hit home was the way I felt.  I was eating a lot of sugar, and I felt irritable and headache-y, and really just-plain-miserable.  The reason I say that this hit home is because I realized that I used to feel that way all the time.  Thirty pounds ago this was the way I felt on a day to day basis. 
I thought it was normal!
I didn't even know I was miserable. 
It's funny because as I am writing this I am beginning to tear up.  I feel like I was given the best gift of all for Christmas and it was the gift of perspective. 
I am no longer willing to accept bad things.  I am no longer willing to accept that my body feels weak or worn out or crappy.  I don't have to! 
I am no longer willing to be a slave to sugar.  I didn't even know I was. 
How many times was I cranky and snappish to the people I love because I was being brought down by food, by sugar?!?! 
If I didn't make this misstep I wouldn't know so well that I really am what I eat.  I am so glad that I was able to make this mistake really.  It was scary and it was dark and I seriously thought I may not be able to pull myself out.  But I did!!!  And I think that it was probably the biggest learning experience I have had so far on this journey. 
I have so much more to say, but I think this will be a good start.  I'll be back with more soon.  I really want to dig into those things that I think brought me down and get it all out but that's all for now...

Happy to be back on track,

2 Week Challenge - Day #11 and Weigh-In Day

Good morning :)

It's weigh in day again. I am still doing well on my challenge, but I forgot to do my crunches yesterday - Yikes! No big deal, I will just double up today. I was a little worried that the scale was going to be unkind today even though I am doing so well. I did not want to post the same weight again. But then I decided that I am placing too much importance on the numbers and not enough on the fact that I am doing awesome! Seriously, I am a Superstar!!! I was just about to put 'just kidding' but I'm not ;) I have been doing really well. I have proven once again to myself that I am my only obstacle. So anyway I was all prepared to have a crappy weigh in and be all fine with it, but then the scale was nice. I am down to 185.02 lbs. I lost 2.86 lbs. this week! I am happy with that, but it is kind of like icing on the cake because I am so happy about how well I am doing with my challenge. I am .09lbs away from a 20 lb. loss now. So close!!! I have almost lost 10% of my weight and I have 55 lbs. more to go. Today that doesn't sound so bad! I know that it is doable.

Today I will be using these affirmations:

-I am a creature of peace, courage, and joy
-I am comfortable, confident and at ease in all social situations
-I am filled with energy and vitality

I found them here, enjoy!

I AM a Super-Star!!!

Today I am amazed with me :) I had pizza last night, and I did not lose control! That is AMAZING!!! You should know that I LOVE pizza - among other things :) I mean I love it a lot, a whole lot. My husband suggested it for dinner and I was a little worried about how excited I was. The amazing part is that when I realized I was getting too excited about dinner, I stopped and thought. I have never had that much control before. Or, I mean, I have never let myself have that much control before ;) It was a very good feeling. I didn't let myself lose control, I just planned ahead. While my husband went to pick up the pizza I made myself a salad and I committed to having just two pieces. And GUESS WHAT, I ate my salad and then I only had two pieces. That is unheard of around here. Yay me!!! Then after supper we went for a walk! Yeah, I feel a little bit like a super-star, LOL! Whenever I used to have one of my trigger foods I would have a whole inner dialogue going on where my inner sabotager would say things like: "You know you are going to fall off the wagon eventually, you may as well have all the pizza you want now" or "When it's gone you are going to regret not having more", plus a tonne of other bitchy and mean things. I could go on and on and on. It felt really good not to have to listen to her last night. It was a really good example of how I am changing. It isn't just the number on the scale, my whole mindset is undergoing a huge change. I am really happy and glad that I am remembering to congratulate myself for all of the little triumphs along the way :)

Have a great weekend!!!

Weigh-In Day

So, it is Tuesday again. And that means weigh-in day. I have been a little worried that I wasn't losing and I have been a bit hard on myself, but I shouldn't have been. I didn't lose as much as I did last time, (and I didn't expect to) but I lost! So that is good. Really good!!! I definitely have to remember to stop worrying so much about a number and concentrate on how I am really doing. So, for the record, I am down to 197.12. But more importantly I am doing AMAZING!!! I am holding myself accountable, I am eating way better, and I am doing some sort of physical activity every day. I am being kinder to myself and I am learning to accept myself. Today I am proud of me and I am going to go with that feeling. So often I spend so much time putting myself down and I forget to see the great things I am accomplishing. I am learning to love myself and I know now that this is the key to losing this weight permanently. I hope everyone is having an awesome day - it is so sunny and bright here today.

Happy Tuesday!!!