Working Out Feels Good....

Who knew???
Uh, ME!!! :)
So, why haven't I been doing it for so long?
I think I may have gathered some insight into that.
This morning I got on the Wii and I did my 1/2 hour and it wasn't a hard workout or anything, not such a huge deal, but I felt good. Really good!!!
I was happier today, noticeably, and just feeling really good!
I like this feeling , I want to keep it :)
I think the reason I quit doing things that make me feel so good is as simple and as complicated as this: I feel guilty when I am happy, and I don't feel like I deserve it!
Huh!
I thought I had worked that one through already when I wrote my post on deserving.
I guess I need a refresher :) 
I am ready to be as happy as I can, I am ready to make being happy my full time job :) 
I deserve it, we all do! 
I will not hold myself back any longer.  I am making a commitment to myself.
I will get back to working through my stuff and most of all to loving and accepting me. 
It is way past time. 
I am deserving!!!
I guess I could have just said that I completed my workout, and it felt good, and I have completed day one, but I guess I had some other stuff to say too :)

That's all for today!
Bye for now,

Chaos, Drama, And My Default Mode

I think my default mode is set to 'self-destruct' :)
Seriously!
Things will be going fine, fantastic even and then (seemingly out of nowhere) chaos and drama erupt. I used to always wonder "Why do these things happen to me?" or "What did I do to deserve this?".
Now I know that these things aren't 'just happening', I am making them happen. I can actually watch the whole process unfold, if I take the time to pay attention.
It is crazy, really!
Why?
The only conclusion I can come up with is that I am still not 100% convinced that I deserve happiness.
It is like I hit my peak happiness level then I stop and freak out a little and go into self destruct mode. When I say peak happiness level - or PHL from now on :) I mean the amount of happiness I feel like I should be allowed (depending on how hard I worked for it) or the amount that I deserve.
I was not aware that I was doing this until recently. A few weeks ago things were going so well.  Everything was fabulous!  Everything!!!  Then I started to think things like 'Why are things going so well?' and 'how can I maintain this'.  And, seriously, it's like I just started to dismantle my own happiness.
Weirdness!
I over analyzed, I questioned and I took a whole bunch of steps backwards.
I think I am a little afraid to move on or something.
I feel like I am at a really huge turning point right now.
I feel like a whole different person and I am sort of having trouble getting my head around all of these changes.
Everyone is noticing that I have lost weight now. It seems like in the last month every person I see tells me how fantastic I look. That is definitely a great thing, but it also usually makes me freak out. In the past it is usually enough to make me gain weight. Not anymore!  I have stopped doing that at least :) I am aware of it now, and I think I know what it is all about.
I think that maybe I am just not used to feeling so good and my self destructive side is saying 'Hey, what's going on here? Why are you happy and smiling all the time? That's not right! That's not normal!' and I pull back and....well, chaos and drama enter the picture.
I am glad I can see it happening now. I am glad that I am not playing the victim anymore, but I am really wondering if my self destructive tendencies will ever be gone.
I don't think so!
I thought in the beginning that this journey was going to be about food, but it really isn't. It is about me deciding that I love myself enough to choose happiness, to choose good things.
Consistently!
I need to keep choosing happiness until that is my default setting and I need to learn to accept the good and stop questioning it.
Of course I deserve to be happy. I deserved to be happy all along. I am just not 100% comfortable claiming it yet, I suppose.
So the plan is: blog, blog and blog some more :) It seems to be what works.
I think it is pretty obvious that I have a lot of turmoil going on inside, because my thoughts are all fighting to be set free and I can't entirely keep up with them. Hopefully as I let them out they will start to be more sensible, but for now I will just write.
I am feeling really good right now, I will just start with baby steps again and work this through.
Anyway, that's all for now.  Thank goodness, right :)  That was a long one!  Hopefully some of it made sense :)  Even if it didn't I feel better, so that is good.

Bye for now,


P.S. I am going to have to update my weight chart when my husband gets home. I am having trouble with the Wii, but I didn't forget :)  If he can get it figured out I will have it all up to date for tomorrows weigh in!

Loving The Journey

I am feeling fabulous! It is such a great feeling.  So I have been looking at what makes me feel this way. Strangely, it is not the number on the scale.  When I feel really great, it is because I am doing things that I love.
I have been struggling a bit lately and as I was looking back over my posts and reviewing my habits I realized something.  I am happiest and, consequently, lose the most weight, when I fill my days up with things that make me joyful. 
It turns into a cycle of good.  A cycle I definitely want to keep going.
I have been digging into my emotional crap a lot.  And I think that is good.  I believe it is necessary.  But I keep getting so caught up in the work of it that I forget to just be.
This week I have been doing things I love.  I have been reading books that inspire me, I have been listening to my positive thinking c.d., I have been drawing.  And yes, I have been exercising, and enjoying it!!!
I used to fill myself up with food and waste my time on mind numbing activities.  Now as I find myself waking up and stepping away from the food it seems like I have all of this extra space or time to fill up.
I have been taking away so much of my old life and at times I have felt a little scared and started to struggle.  It finally hit me.  Fill up the space with good.  With joy.  With all of the things you love.  Live like you deserve to be happy.  Take the time to do what you love.  Even if it is "silly" or "non-productive". 
I mean, seriously, when I draw what I create doesn't even usually make sense to me.  It may look crazy to others, or seem like a waste of time - but it makes me happy!!!
I think a lot of the time I feel like I deserve to be punished for what I have allowed myself to become.  I am making the journey harder than it has to be.  When I struggle, it seems like that is how it should be and I accept it. 
But what if I don't accept that? 
What if I decide that instead of feeling deprived I want to feel fulfilled? 
That is how I am feeling this week, and guess what - food doesn't feel like such a big deal this week.  Coincidence?  I think not!  I have decided to see what I can fill myself up with, if not food.
I feel fabulous!
I am excited about where I am going, sure.  But today I am loving the journey.  Isn't that exciting?  I am not going to block this feeling off anymore, I feel alive with energy and creativity.
Note to self: Keep it up :)




P.S. I am joining in on Lucy's Blog Hop again this week. I always find a lot of great blogs when I do :)

Deserving

I have really been struggling through the process of writing this post. The amount of struggle tells me I am onto something big and I am both scared, and excited to get the process started.
I am aware, and have been for quite a while now, that I am pretty self destructive.
Maybe all of us are.
But I am really conscious of it now, and I think know that is a good thing. After all how can I change something if I do not recognize it?
I have struggled with feelings of hate and they have brought me to where I am today.
I choose to love myself. But sometimes, still, those feelings of self-loathing will come out and cause me to derail myself. Or self-destruct. I know that I am doing this to myself and I am finally starting to figure out why.
It is a matter of deserving. I, on some level, have always believed that I do not deserve to be happy. I deserve to have bad things happen to me. I deserve to be uncomfortable, unhealthy, unloved, etc. The list goes on and on and on. I have found a lot of really creative and unpleasant ways to prove to myself again and again just how undeserving I am.
I know that this is not true, now, that I am not undeserving. At least on a conscious level I know this. But there is still a part of me, the self loathing, self-destructive part, that tries to defeat me.
I have been writing this post for a while now, and getting nowhere. I have so many words, but nothing seems sensible. It is as if I do not really want to break free of this. I am sure on some level that is true. So, for today, I will write what I have and see if it moves me forward.
I will work it through.
Little by little.
For as long as it takes.
I am fighting, for all of the good things inside of me. The bad stuff is not entirely ready to let go. But I am not giving up. Maybe if I keep shining a light on this stuff, I will find my way free. I know that it can happen, I have to keep going. It is worth a shot anyway.
This is definitely one of those uncomfortable things I was talking about before.
So.....back to deserving. I have lived my life with the attitude that I do not deserve to be happy. It is so obvious to me now. I have everything I ever wanted and I have not allowed myself to be entirely happy. Because obviously, if you are going to punish yourself, happiness is not allowed. I am not going to catalogue every way that I have denied myself happiness. I think that to do that is to dwell in the dark, and I am shining a light here :)
Please know that I am aware of these instances and not ignoring them, I am just not giving them any more power. I could write and write all of the things I deserved, but I think recognizing them is enough. If not I guess at a later date I can bore you with all of the details ;)
I think I will stop there for now and just get this out there once and for all.

I thought this affirmation was really fitting for today:

Just for today I will practice self-acceptance. The struggle ends with me. I choose to stop struggling. I deserve peace.

I already posted it here, but it works :)

Oh and this is where I found it in the first place!

Hope you have an awesome weekend!
Bye for now,