Thursday, August 26, 2010

Frustrated and Other Crap

Hi. I have been meaning to get on for a while and post, but I haven't for two reasons. Reason #1 is that my computer is being a huge P.I.T.A. and reason #2 is that I am in a crappy place right now. Really crappy! I hate this!!! Why do I make it so hard? I am hoping it is almost over and really trying to move myself onto my happy place :) But it feels a bit like depression. Ugh! I am sure it must mean I am going to have a huge breakthrough or something, at least that is what the tiny bit of positive thinking I have left is telling me. In the past, whenever it gets really hard it means I am working through a huge thing. So if I keep it up I will learn something and grow, right? But I am tired. I hate the struggle today. I know I am being mopey and doing this to myself. I am aware. I just really feel like it is too much. I did weigh myself on Tuesday and woohoo I gained 1.54 lbs. I am up to 186.56 lbs. It is that t.o.m. so that could explain a few things, but even a small gain is enough to really bother me when I am in the place of crap. I think this all has something to do with 20 lbs. For some reason my mind has some kind of block set up. It keeps saying things like "you can't lose 20 lbs - you never have!" or "you don't have what it takes", plus a lot more crap. I can't seem to force myself over the 20 lb mark. I have even gotten up to 21 lbs lost (between my weekly weigh-ins), but I am always back below the 20 lb mark when my weigh in day comes around. I am doing it on purpose!!!! I am sabotaging myself! Crap! Crappity crap! If there happen to be any readers out there - sorry for the depressing stuff, and also for the excessive use of the word crap :) I am sure it will be over soon. I am still not giving up, I just feel like it. Not loving the journey this week, but I still know it is so worth it, so that is something. On a much better note, I had an amazing time with my husband when we went away. I wish we could go again right now. I am going to be a good friend to myself and work through this - even if I would rather just kick my own ass. Well I am off for now. I have some plans and ideas running around in my head.

Bye for now,


  1. *hugs* Don't apologize, Cara, this is just the right place to put down your feelings and frustrations. The more you write the less intense the feelings will get. You know you can go over 20 lbs and it will happen eventually. Just concentrate on one day at a time and never give up!

  2. You are doing so well Cara! Ya, you're going to have some rough patches, we all have those days. But you are doing the right thing but writing this stuff down, making it real. I think that being able to vent our feelings is half the battle! I have faith in you that you will work through this...and i know that deep down, you KNOW you can do this. You can beat this Cara, you can get past that block and kick some "self-sabotage" butt!
    Hugs chickie! :-)

  3. Hang in, Cara. You can do it. It is a slow, slow process regaining our health. It took me 9 weeks to lose 12 pounds. So, I am with you sister.

  4. Hi! Just found you on the blog hop. I hate those feelings but I'm hoping that you're right and they're related to a fabulous breakthrough! You can push through that 20 lb mark and once you do it will feel so great - good luck!!