Weigh-In Day

I am, late as usual, with this post. But better late then never, so here it is :) I did weigh myself on Tuesday and I am down to 171.16 lbs. I will be in the 60's soon - Oh my goodness!!! I am super-seriously excited. I know I am probably putting too much importance on the numbers, but I can't seem to really believe that the scale is still moving down. I just had to get rid of a pair of pants that I wore over six years ago, because they are too big! It feels really good. I feel really good. I plan to exercise more, and I really do plan to post more, but right now I am just happy and doing really well. What more could I want? I am charging batteries for the camera right now and will take my thirty pound loss update pic tonight (finally!!!). I will post it a.s.a.p. I am so glad the weekend is finally here. Hope yours is fabulous :)


Happy Friday,

Unpacking or Finally Getting Real

Usually when I start writing a post, if I get at all uncomfortable with what I am trying to say I back off. I mean that when I start to get too deep into stuff about why I am the way I am or my actions or really too deep into anything at all 'too personal' I stop.
Sometimes I will save the post for 'later' (and delete it at that later time), usually I just delete the whole thing right then and there. I say I am waiting, but what for???
It all boils down to avoidance.
I have really been digging deeper into myself lately and I am slowly becoming more aware of my actions. I have noticed that whenever I dig up something that makes me feel at all uncomfortable I bury it again, as quickly as possible.
I am getting really tired of burying things.
The more I bury them the harder they are to find later. Burying all of this crap has led to burying myself, under guilt, under shame, under fat! I have been putting my head in the sand again and again and using excuses to rationalize my behaviour.
When it comes to my blog I use the rationale that I want this to be a 'place of positivity' and I don't want it to be all dark or depressing. But where else should I put my real feelings? This is one place where I want to be really real and honest with myself. That is, after all, why I started blogging in the first place. I am recording my journey and I want to do it accurately - potholes and all ;)
As I have been opening my eyes and becoming more aware I have been noticing a lot of things about myself. Usually, okay always, by this point I do my little ostrich act and avoid, avoid, avoid. But this time I am not giving in. I know that when I feel uncomfortable it is because I am onto something big. When I feel the urge to hide, I have begun to dig deeper.
So when I thought about my blog and all of those unfinished posts I finally realized that in order to move along I will have to deal with the uncomfortable.
It's like unpacking. Every time you open a box you decide what you want to keep and what to get rid of. There is probably a lot of good stuff that you know you want, but you have to look through it all and decide.
I am tired of closing boxes up without even glancing inside.
It is time to dig them all out and start tossing the crap.
I am scared, but it feels like it's time. I can't wait to see what other good stuff I will find :)
I have been having a lot of thoughts lately about what I feel that I deserve and how these beliefs have brought me to where I am right now. I am working it through and I will definitely post about it soon. Stay tuned :) This has been a really tough one for me, but it is one box that will not be closed...

Do You Hate Skinny Girls???

I am reading back through a book I picked up a few months ago. It is called Secrets of a Former Fat Girl and it was written by Lisa Delaney. While I don't agree with the whole book, I thought there were some useful ideas in it, so I am skimming through it again. Anyway one thing bothered me the first time I read it, and today when I opened the book I was annoyed all over again. The very first sentence on the introduction page is "You don't know me, but you probably hate me." The reason I probably hate the author, according to her, is that she is a size 2, has run marathons, eats chocolate every day, etc., etc. This really bugs me. A lot! I do not hate skinny girls. It never occurred to me that I should. Why would I??? Because they make different choices than I do? Because they are cuter than me? I am completely aware of how I got here, to this size. I ate too much and I didn't move enough - or much at all! I chose to be fat, on some level. Assuming that I hate all skinny girls make it seem like, because I am fat, I am full of envy and/or jealousy. So not true!!! I am full of Doritos ;) Just kidding! But seriously, why would I hate someone because they chose differently than me? I don't get it. I am aware that some people do, hate out of jealousy, I am not completely naive. But I really feel like it is a huge waste of time. Time that I choose to spend on other, more productive, things. Such as finding my missing ankle bones, for example ;) So what about you? Do you hate skinny girls? Is there a club I should have joined? Just curious :)

Bye for now,

Bumpy Road

I am having such a hard time right now. I know that this is normal and I thought I was ready for it...but I wasn't. I am soooo frustrated right now. I am angry and irritable. It does not help that it it my t.o.m. - grrrrrrr!!! I have been having some mid-sized binges lately. I say mid-sized because it wasn't as bad as it can get, but it definitely counted. I have been gaining weight one day and losing it the next. I know this because my trusty Wii Fit Plus :) tells me every morning. But who am I kidding, I already know. It is like a battle is going on inside of me. I guess there kind of is. The fat girl in me is scared to get lost and the skinny girl in me is tired of hiding. Fatty always wins! She does not play fair. It feels like every reason I have for being fat - 'cause trust me, fat works for me - is coming up and I am feeling so many things that I hate right now. I am angry at my husband for something that happened seven years ago. Ugh! Seriously, I thought I dealt with this crap already!!! I guess not. It seems like I am fat partly because I am punishing him, how messed up is that?!?!?!? It's like I am staying fat because he deserves a fat wife. How do I get past this without bringing up ancient crap I don't even want to think about? Any ideas? Just kidding - I know I have to figure it out by myself. That is part of the journey, I guess! And I WILL figure it out. Because I am sick and tired of giving up. I am not starting again. This is it! No excuses! I can do this, I will! If tomorrow brings another gain I will just get rid of it again. It's hard right now, but even already on this journey I have felt such good feelings that I know it is going to be worth it. Definitely worth it in the end :)

Hope your journey is easier than mine today :) Happy Friday!