Progress Pics - 50 lbs. Lost!!! :)

Hi again :)

I kept meaning to put progress pics up when I lost 40 lbs. and I never ended up doing it. 
I am not skipping it this time!  I have officially lost 50 lbs!!!  I am so excited! 
I have made it almost 75% of the way to my goal and as of this morning I only need to lose 18.94 lbs. to get there. 
WOW!!! 
It almost seems unbelievable to me. 

Anyway here are some pics:

 My daughter says I am making a weird face in this one, she's right :)

I am feeling really great! 

Kind of all brand new, and I like it :)  

I know that I am doing this and I know that I am going to be at my goal soon.  

It feels really nice.

So Excited!!!

I am really excited right now!
I have had a pretty long and difficult summer and I am still working through some stuff.  Hard stuff! But I am doing really well with my weight loss, and that is amazing!
In the old days when I was in any sort of emotional discomfort my weight would reflect that - and not in a good way! 
I have been feeling pretty low for the last few months and I am still sticking to my goals.  I still mess up, but in general I have stuck to it.  This is huge!!!
And it is paying off!
Last night I got into my wedding dress, and zipped it up!  I was shocked! 
That has been a goal of mine ever since I started gaining this weight, and I did it!
Then I weighed myself this morning and finally, finally, the Wii said my weight was NORMAL!!!
I have been waiting for this day since I first stepped on that balance board and was told that I was obese.  I did it!!!
I know that I haven't been blogging a lot and I know that I have been stumbling, I almost didn't post this because I hate it to seem like I only write when I am happy with my weight.
But I am excited and happy and I like the feeling. 
I am going to keep it going!
I really do want to dig into some of the crap that I was dealing with this summer and I do want to write a post about depression, but today I am excited.
So this is it :)

Bye for now,

My Picture NSV :)

Hi :) Wow, it has been a while since I've posted.
I have so many things going on right now but I am basically just living. As boring as that sounds :)
I do have a big post swirling around in my head. I want to share some of my thoughts on depression and let you know what I've been up to. I also want to update my weight and get this bus moving again :)
But not today! Today I just want to share a really important, to me, NSV.
My husband and I celebrated our twelfth wedding anniversary this weekend. On Saturday my daughter took our picture and it is the first picture I have liked of us, well of me really, since our wedding day.
That was a pretty big deal. It feels really nice :)
I am officially at fifty pounds lost now.  So I am going to take a picture and update. 
I am ready to get moving again :) 
I thought I would share my NSV pic with you guys, I didn't ask my husband if he minded, so don't tell him ;)

Have a great day!

Taking Out The Garbage

I am so glad I finally sat down and blogged the other day.
I know that my post was moody and depressing and rambly, but it helped me to get it down.
I keep reading it over and it is a lot of stuff that I didn't even know I was feeling.
In my head I was getting frustrated and feeling overwhelmed. I was over analyzing, and going around in circles, and basically just making things harder for myself. Sometimes I do that ;)
I needed to take out the garbage and start fresh.
Nothing is ever as hard as I make it seem in my head. Not even close. Plus, am I really thinking of quitting? No!!! Not even a little.
Things are confusing right now, and I feel like I am on fast forward sometimes, but I know that I am heading in the right direction for me.
Change is good, I know this :) I read this quote today on facebook and it seemed really fitting right now:

"Change - It has the power to uplift, to heal, to stimulate, surprise, open new doors, bring fresh experience and create excitement in life. Certainly it is worth the risk." 
~ Leo Buscaglia

I know this.  I know that it is worth it, and I am going to keep moving forward :)

Happy Friday everyone :)

Choices, Changes And Other Scary Things :)

I feel like I don't know who I am sometimes.
I feel scared.
I am really tired of it.

My moods are all over the place and it is so frustrating. 
On good days I am positive and moving forward and I feel like I can face anything because I am heading in the right direction.  I know that I am strong and capable.  I am doing it.  I am making it easy for myself and I am feeling great! 
On bad days...not so much.

I feel like I am under a microscope, I am over analyzing  everything. 
I have learned a lot about myself and why I behave the way I do.  So, when I am in a bad place and being really self destructive, I am aware enough now that I can see myself doing it.  You would think that that would make it easier, right?  I can see myself eating because someone hurt my feelings, or because I am pissed off (more likely lately) or I can see myself picking a fight with my husband and I know what is going on, so I stop, right?  Ummmmmm - NO!!!!  Not me.  I keep right on being self destructive and I continue the cycle. 

I have made so many changes. 
A lot of them are easy to see :) 
But most of them are not.  Most of them are inside of me. 
I feel like I have to work on my inside stuff and the outside stuff will work itself out accordingly ;) 

Because of all these changes I find myself looking around sometimes and wondering who's life this is.
Can it really be mine? 
I can hardly explain it, but the Cara I was a year ago liked to hide.  It seems that my whole life has been engineered so that I could hide away from the world.  The weight, the fact that I chose to stay at home after I had my kids, the fact that I let all of my friends drift away over the years.  I turned my home into a very quiet hiding place, now it seems like a really comfortable cage. 

I am not that girl.  I am not! 

I don't want to hide, I don't want to be alone all the time.  I don't even like t.v. anymore!  I don't even know that girl.  I tried to explain to my husband that it would be like letting someone else pick out your whole life and then you just move into it.  It sounds mean though.  I sound ungrateful and, I am worried, crazy! 
How can I feel like this?  I am the same person, aren't I? 
Sometimes I feel so confused that I have no words and I am quiet. 

As I write this out I hear how weird it sounds, but I am also starting to figure it out.  When I typed the words 'I am not that girl'  it sort of clicked.
I keep feeling like I have a choice right now. 
I can go back to the way things were and back to that girl who fits into this life comfortably or I can keep moving on and adjust my life accordingly. 
Pretty obvious, now that it's out there like that :) 

Either way I chose it is going to be a struggle. 
To go back would be horrible.  To feel that way again.  So miserable, so alone, so sad.  But it would have it's perks too.  All I can eat, really!  I know it works for me, it must have.  I can slide back in so easily, I know how it all goes. 
To keep moving on, though.  That will be hard and scary for different reasons, but still hard and scary.  For starters, I do not like change.  Even good changes freak me out a bit. 
I am new at this confidence thing, it takes confidence to change and grow and move forward. 
What if my husband and I grow apart as I change? 

I know that this is really sounding ridiculous, it is to me now :) 
But these are all of the things that are swirling around in my brain. 
Obviously I do have a choice, but I probably don't have to make it the big thing that I have been.  It is a decision that I have to keep making everyday and over time, just as always, things will start to work their way to where they are supposed to be. 

So, anyway...that was a bit of a rambler, huh? 
I am a little embarrassed to post this one, but I am gonna keep it real :) 
I think I may have a pretty good handle on what is going on now, anyways. 
So that is good!
 
I hope your days are sunny and a lot less complicated than I make mine :)
Bye for now,
 

Am I Struggling?

I was thinking about this earlier.
I have been eating a bit more junk food than usual lately.  I feel a little tighter in the waist area.  It is that time of the month, but I am pretty sure that junk food is the culprit.
So anyway, I was standing in the kitchen just now, and I was wondering - 'Am I struggling?'
I have been having this thought a lot over the last week or so.  It pops into my head and out again just as quickly.  Just an annoying little blip.  Something to be easily quieted with a cookie...or three.
But just now, when that question popped into my head, I stopped.  I thought.  And I had a flash of what 'struggling' feels like.  The 'accidental' overeating, the guilt, the shame, the anger, the stomach aches ;) 
Did I really want that?  Do I really want that?
Do I prefer feeling that way?
Ummmmmmmm......NO!!!
If I choose to struggle, then I am choosing those consequences.  I choose to feel awful.
Over the last week or so, when I would wonder if I was struggling, I would recall the three cookies I ate earlier, or the extra snack, or whatever and I would think - "Yes, I am struggling", and so I did.  That question started the cycle each time.  It was kind of like I was giving myself permission to fail.
I don't know what caused all of this to flash into my head just now.  I am just glad that it did.  I am glad that I stopped and really thought about it.
Am I struggling?
Of course not!
I am choosing to not struggle.
I so much prefer to not struggle.  I feel better.  I feel fabulous.  I feel more confident, I sleep better, I am so much happier, plus - I lose weight!!!
So, of course, I am not struggling.  Just in case you were wondering ;)
Is it that easy?
I really think it can be!

Bye for now,

Feeling Fabulous!!!

I have not been posting very much at all lately, but I refuse to feel bad about it :) Because, I am feeling really fabulous!
I am maintaining right now, but I am so happy with where my head is.

I am having a lot of fun playing with clothes and putting new outfits together. This has really been helping to keep me on track. Who knew clothes could be so fun and motivating?!? I am eating really well and I am squeezing exercise in wherever I can. Doing lots of fun and active family stuff!
Things are going really well and I am happy. So, how can I feel bad about not blogging?

Right now I am just focusing on family and working around the house. I am on a mission to de-clutter. Not just the places that are seen (the way I usually do) I mean I have been attacking the clutter everywhere. In every. single. closet. It feels really good. I am letting go of a lot of stuff. I am feeling free and happy and pretty confident.

I am not going to try and figure out how to maintain this feeling (like last time).  I am just going to enjoy it, and go with it, and see where it leads me.

I guess I did have a little post in my head :)
I keep thinking that I don't really have much to write.

Anyway I haven't fallen off the face of the earth.
I am not doing really badly and hiding it (like in the past)
I am just happy, and busy, and moving along.

I hope to get writing more, but I am not going to make any guarantees or time limits.
I know how that ends up and I will not go there.

I am making good choices and just enjoying life.
It feels really good :)

Happy Tuesday!
(Oh, and that means it is weigh in day!  I will have to update my chart a.s.a.p. but nothing really exciting is happening in that particular area - happily maintaining for the time being)

Bye for now,