I Didn't Weigh Myself Tuesday...

because I was scared.  I haven't been really exercising.  Hardly at all.  I have been doing really well with my eating, but in the last few days I could have done better.  I honestly haven't been doing the best I can and I expected the scale to show that.  SO... I didn't weigh.  I really worry too much!  I make a huge deal out of things and they aren't ever as bad as I expect them to be.  How annoying!  I am definitely over that crappy bad habit.  It is one I plan on kicking right away.  It is definitely not doing me any favours.  I will weigh every Tuesday from now on.  No matter what!  No Excuses!!!  When I don't stick to this I slide off track.  So, since I know this, and I really am not a dummy :)  I will stick with my Tuesday weigh ins!  But for this weigh in Thursday will have to do.  My weight this morning was 168.52 lbs.  Which means I finally broke through the 35 lb lost mark!  Yay!!!  Now on to forty.  No time for stopping, no time to over think or analyze right now, lets just do this already!  So glad to be heading in the right direction :)

Happy Thursday,

Unpacking or Finally Getting Real

Usually when I start writing a post, if I get at all uncomfortable with what I am trying to say I back off. I mean that when I start to get too deep into stuff about why I am the way I am or my actions or really too deep into anything at all 'too personal' I stop.
Sometimes I will save the post for 'later' (and delete it at that later time), usually I just delete the whole thing right then and there. I say I am waiting, but what for???
It all boils down to avoidance.
I have really been digging deeper into myself lately and I am slowly becoming more aware of my actions. I have noticed that whenever I dig up something that makes me feel at all uncomfortable I bury it again, as quickly as possible.
I am getting really tired of burying things.
The more I bury them the harder they are to find later. Burying all of this crap has led to burying myself, under guilt, under shame, under fat! I have been putting my head in the sand again and again and using excuses to rationalize my behaviour.
When it comes to my blog I use the rationale that I want this to be a 'place of positivity' and I don't want it to be all dark or depressing. But where else should I put my real feelings? This is one place where I want to be really real and honest with myself. That is, after all, why I started blogging in the first place. I am recording my journey and I want to do it accurately - potholes and all ;)
As I have been opening my eyes and becoming more aware I have been noticing a lot of things about myself. Usually, okay always, by this point I do my little ostrich act and avoid, avoid, avoid. But this time I am not giving in. I know that when I feel uncomfortable it is because I am onto something big. When I feel the urge to hide, I have begun to dig deeper.
So when I thought about my blog and all of those unfinished posts I finally realized that in order to move along I will have to deal with the uncomfortable.
It's like unpacking. Every time you open a box you decide what you want to keep and what to get rid of. There is probably a lot of good stuff that you know you want, but you have to look through it all and decide.
I am tired of closing boxes up without even glancing inside.
It is time to dig them all out and start tossing the crap.
I am scared, but it feels like it's time. I can't wait to see what other good stuff I will find :)
I have been having a lot of thoughts lately about what I feel that I deserve and how these beliefs have brought me to where I am right now. I am working it through and I will definitely post about it soon. Stay tuned :) This has been a really tough one for me, but it is one box that will not be closed...

Frustrated and Other Crap

Hi. I have been meaning to get on for a while and post, but I haven't for two reasons. Reason #1 is that my computer is being a huge P.I.T.A. and reason #2 is that I am in a crappy place right now. Really crappy! I hate this!!! Why do I make it so hard? I am hoping it is almost over and really trying to move myself onto my happy place :) But it feels a bit like depression. Ugh! I am sure it must mean I am going to have a huge breakthrough or something, at least that is what the tiny bit of positive thinking I have left is telling me. In the past, whenever it gets really hard it means I am working through a huge thing. So if I keep it up I will learn something and grow, right? But I am tired. I hate the struggle today. I know I am being mopey and doing this to myself. I am aware. I just really feel like it is too much. I did weigh myself on Tuesday and woohoo I gained 1.54 lbs. I am up to 186.56 lbs. It is that t.o.m. so that could explain a few things, but even a small gain is enough to really bother me when I am in the place of crap. I think this all has something to do with 20 lbs. For some reason my mind has some kind of block set up. It keeps saying things like "you can't lose 20 lbs - you never have!" or "you don't have what it takes", plus a lot more crap. I can't seem to force myself over the 20 lb mark. I have even gotten up to 21 lbs lost (between my weekly weigh-ins), but I am always back below the 20 lb mark when my weigh in day comes around. I am doing it on purpose!!!! I am sabotaging myself! Crap! Crappity crap! If there happen to be any readers out there - sorry for the depressing stuff, and also for the excessive use of the word crap :) I am sure it will be over soon. I am still not giving up, I just feel like it. Not loving the journey this week, but I still know it is so worth it, so that is something. On a much better note, I had an amazing time with my husband when we went away. I wish we could go again right now. I am going to be a good friend to myself and work through this - even if I would rather just kick my own ass. Well I am off for now. I have some plans and ideas running around in my head.

Bye for now,