It Feels Like A Hug!

I was thinking, recently, about how hard it is sometimes to actually feel all of these things I am going through.  You know, working through it all instead of hiding from it?  But then I stopped and thought it through.  Is it really harder?  It may sound harder to actually deal with my baggage.  To work through it step by step.  But it feels kind of like a hug!  Before when things got uncomfortable, I turned away from them.  I pushed them down, mainly with food.  I didn't let them out.  I held everything in and I created a feeling of shame.  Unnecessary!  I remember a time from my childhood.  I was around 13 or 15 and I was dealing with a very difficult situation.  I was scared and confused.  I asked someone very important to talk with me.  I asked for help and she said "Cara, just drop it!".  I think I have been doing this ever since, dropping it!  I think I learned pretty early that if something is difficult or scary you just ignore it.  I ignored so many things that it got to be a job, it was work trying to hide from all that uncomfortable stuff.  I created a monster out of it.  A monster that would lurk in the silence, waiting to pounce if ever I was idle.  Hiding from that guy is hard work, all consuming!  Now what I am doing.  Actually working through it all.  That feels like a hug!  Really!  Because it is like saying to that girl inside of me.  "I want to hear you, you are important.  You are loved!  Your feelings matter!"  I am a good friend :)

Bye for now,

Unpacking or Finally Getting Real

Usually when I start writing a post, if I get at all uncomfortable with what I am trying to say I back off. I mean that when I start to get too deep into stuff about why I am the way I am or my actions or really too deep into anything at all 'too personal' I stop.
Sometimes I will save the post for 'later' (and delete it at that later time), usually I just delete the whole thing right then and there. I say I am waiting, but what for???
It all boils down to avoidance.
I have really been digging deeper into myself lately and I am slowly becoming more aware of my actions. I have noticed that whenever I dig up something that makes me feel at all uncomfortable I bury it again, as quickly as possible.
I am getting really tired of burying things.
The more I bury them the harder they are to find later. Burying all of this crap has led to burying myself, under guilt, under shame, under fat! I have been putting my head in the sand again and again and using excuses to rationalize my behaviour.
When it comes to my blog I use the rationale that I want this to be a 'place of positivity' and I don't want it to be all dark or depressing. But where else should I put my real feelings? This is one place where I want to be really real and honest with myself. That is, after all, why I started blogging in the first place. I am recording my journey and I want to do it accurately - potholes and all ;)
As I have been opening my eyes and becoming more aware I have been noticing a lot of things about myself. Usually, okay always, by this point I do my little ostrich act and avoid, avoid, avoid. But this time I am not giving in. I know that when I feel uncomfortable it is because I am onto something big. When I feel the urge to hide, I have begun to dig deeper.
So when I thought about my blog and all of those unfinished posts I finally realized that in order to move along I will have to deal with the uncomfortable.
It's like unpacking. Every time you open a box you decide what you want to keep and what to get rid of. There is probably a lot of good stuff that you know you want, but you have to look through it all and decide.
I am tired of closing boxes up without even glancing inside.
It is time to dig them all out and start tossing the crap.
I am scared, but it feels like it's time. I can't wait to see what other good stuff I will find :)
I have been having a lot of thoughts lately about what I feel that I deserve and how these beliefs have brought me to where I am right now. I am working it through and I will definitely post about it soon. Stay tuned :) This has been a really tough one for me, but it is one box that will not be closed...

The Big Reveal :) or My "Before" Pic

OK, so I have been putting off posting my pics for various reasons. Mainly my reason excuse is that my computer and camera hate each other right now. I have no idea how to fix this problem, so I "can't" post any pics. But really, if I wanted to, I could get off my butt, go to the store, print out my pics and scan them here. A longer process, for sure - but easily doable - at least until they are on speaking terms again ;) Anyway, needless to say, I have just been putting the whole thing off. Then I was looking through my pictures that are already on my computer and realized that there are a few of me already on here. Hmmmm. Maybe I could just post one of these? - uh, DUH!!! :) Sooooooo here goes nothing:


*note* This pic is not very recent, but it shows me before I lost any of my weight (this time) and is at least a step out of my comfort zone, out of hiding. Plus, since I would rather have some of my weight loss pics on here, I am sure this will get me off my butt ;) Anyway that's all for now - I am just going to post this before I lose my nerve.

Bye for now,

A Little Freak Out!

Okay, Grrrrrr!!! I am FREAKING OUT!!! Ever since my sister asked if I wanted to do the challenge for the month of June I have felt a little out of control. I don't think I am doing really badly or anything, but I can't seem to maintain my focus. I am doing okay, but I have to work harder at it since we started this. She told me she has already lost 2 lbs. and my husband is sure that is why I am struggling. He is sure she is trying to make me lose confidence. I don't really agree. I am not sure what it is, and I am not giving anyone the power to make me lose confidence. Whether I win or lose or whether I gain or lose it is all on me. I am choosing to do this and if I give up I will be choosing to do that. So why am I freaking out? Maybe it has to do with the fact that I have been hiding for so long? Huh! Maybe it is as simple as that. Maybe I just don't ever give myself permission to get out there and be myself and try new things. So now I am just feeling a bit uncomfortable with the exposure? Does that make sense??? I guess in that case this could be a really great thing for me. I want to learn how to be out there. I want to be comfortable, so I guess this is a good step. OK, so, that's enough freaking out then. I can be focused........okay I will make an effort anyway :) Blogging has really been helping me. Even when I am not blogging myself I am reading all of the other amazing blogs out there. I am so glad I finally just did it. Hey, I guess starting this blog was a way that I really put myself out there. DUH!!! :) I guess if I am doing this the challenge with my sister should be a piece of cake. Okay, so get on with it already! So many times all I have to do is start typing and I figure something out. I feel like I am rambling again. I am going to make sure to write down everything I eat from now on. I know that I do better when I do this, and it is just silly not to take advantage of all the tools I have. Especially ones that I know work for me. I definitely feel better now. So here is my plan of action:

1) Write down everything I eat
2) CHILL OUT!!!
3) blog, blog, blog

Simple, huh?

Happy Friday everyone :)

P.S. I wrote 'piece of cake' and didn't think 'Hey, I want a piece of cake!' - I am truly amazing...LOL!!!

Hiding

I read a very interesting post by Amy on Once Upon A Time...In the Land of Cheese and Sunkist and it definitely got me thinking about the things I hide behind. I actually thought this was pretty funny because I posted about hiding on my other blog in February and that post seems really relevant now. Here is my post, I really think it answers the question of how I hide pretty well:

I feel like I am opening my eyes, for the first time in a long while. It is sometimes almost too bright and the change is a little scary, but I am ready to stop hiding.
If you have been reading along you may have noticed that I am not a huge fan of change. I resist, I make excuses and I hide. I have been aware of this for a while and I have been moving along with this awareness. Often, it seems, at a snails pace :) Sometimes it seems especially hard, and I am sure that at these times I am making the most progress.
I am really amazed at how many different ways I have found to hide over the years. Things I thought I did just for enjoyment, that were really ways to hide out :)
For example, I LOVE to read. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you. Books are great, but I have definitely been using them as a way to hide from or avoid unpleasantness. OK, if I am completely honest, I have to say I have also used them to avoid change in any way! There are other ways that I have hidden, I am after all very creative :)
But I have to say one of the most self-destructive ways I chose to hide was by gaining weight. This probably doesn't make sense to you, or maybe it does, but by gaining weight I have hidden myself very effectively. It is almost like the more weight I gain the less I can see me. The less I AM me! I am inside somewhere, but I am hidden. In many ways this has really been working for me, avoider (yes I know that isn't really a word) that I am :) But now that I am opening my eyes and looking around I see that I don't want to let this go on.
Usually at this point I stop and close my eyes again. Because change is hard and I really don't like it. But lately I have been letting my true self out more and I find that I really like her, A LOT! Way more than I like this other person I have let myself become.
So change will be necessary it seems.
I was looking at a website recently called Secrets Of A Weight Loss Master and it really made a lot of sense to me. Especially when I read that "The secret to permanent weight loss is to remember and recover who you really are." So on my Journey of change today I thought I would work on using a few of the Affirmations I found there. Here they are if you would like to use them yourself:

• Just for today I will practice self-acceptance. The struggle ends with me. I choose to stop struggling. I deserve peace.

• Joy is my natural state. I will begin to act from my center and tap into the joy that is mine.

• I let go easily of the things that no longer serve me. Life is a series of endings and new beginnings. I surrender the old, so that I may receive the new.

Happy thoughts to you :)

Oh, and, how do you hide?

I am still going to work on this because I know it will be good for me to dig a little deeper, but I think this is a good beginning :) I am so glad I decided to blog my weight-loss. I am already so inspired by all the wonderful blogs I have found and I just know that I am going to make it this time. I am really working on my whole self and I thank you all for making me look into myself more!