Weigh-In Day...

was yesterday, I know :)  I am here today, though, and I am posting my weight, even though I would rather ignore it.  But since I am no longer doing 'my little ostrich act' I am going to post it, deal with it, and move on.  My weight was up to 184.14 lbs.  So I gained .88 lbs last week.  As I type this I am aware that it is such a small number to freak out over.  It's actually pretty silly, I know.  But I am also aware that it isn't the number that freaks me out, it is what I do in my head.  The way I can twist any little setback around and turn it into a huge failure.  How I can turn me into a huge failure.  On the bright side, I am onto that sneaky little sabotager and her tricks are losing their effectiveness.  I see it happening.  I am going to spend more time reading my affirmations, I find it very helpful.  I am also going to just keep going on with the knowledge that I can, and will do this.  I am doing this.  So, anyway, moving on....

Freaking Out!!!

So, I am freaking out a little.  It happens.  Not so much lately, but still sometimes.  I hate it.  The freaking out.  I hate the way I feel right now.  I am all stressed out because tomorrow is weigh in day and I am up a tiny bit.  I watched myself messing up.  It was all Cara-approved screwing up.  I seriously watched myself do it.  So why freak out?  I know this sounds rambly, cause hey - freaking out here!!!  I think I should probably delete this post and ignore the crap swirling around in my head right now, but I figured I would start writing and see what comes up.  When I am not doing so great and my date with the scale is getting closer I sabotage myself.  I guess I have this all or nothing attitude.  Kind of like "hey I already screwed this up, let's see how bad I can make it." - argh!  I am starting to get really tired of it.  Really.  Really.  Tired.  I guess that means I have an issue, huh?  Well duh!  But how do I move past it?  I am really taking a look at my actions, lately.  Not strictly food related stuff, just all of my 'life stuff'.  I can see how I react to things and lately I have been able to stop and observe my emotions before I react.  It has been a huge eye opener.  Kind of like I am not on automatic pilot anymore.  Like I am waking up.  I like it, but still this crappy self-sabotage.  So frustrating!  I think that maybe I want to have a problem.  Who am I if I am not the fat girl?  If I am not invisible anymore?  If I can't hide behind my weight?  Right now I am so tired of all of my excuses.  Like, once again two parts of me are fighting it out.  Sensible, ready-to-be-the-best-possible-me, Cara is tired of waiting around for needy, whiny, always-has to-be-rescued, Cara to get her act together.  Tired of holding her hand and dragging her through all of this crap.  I seriously just want to kick her ass already!  Holy cow, I sound like I have a split personality.  Don't worry, I promise, I am not going to lose it or anything.  I think the anger may be okay.  It feels like I am just having a huge shift happening inside of me right now.  Is it just me?  If anyone is still reading at this point they probably think I am nuts.  I am feeling a bit better now though.  Writing is so helpful.  I guess I just needed to get that out.  Well I am going to head to bed and get a good nights sleep.  I will post my weight tomorrow and move forward.  I am really tired of sitting where I am, spinning my tires.  Something is going to change.  Not sure what yet, but I will figure it out.  On with the journey.  I think the freaking out portion of this post is over :)  Sooooooooooo....

Bye for now,

A Little Freak Out!

Okay, Grrrrrr!!! I am FREAKING OUT!!! Ever since my sister asked if I wanted to do the challenge for the month of June I have felt a little out of control. I don't think I am doing really badly or anything, but I can't seem to maintain my focus. I am doing okay, but I have to work harder at it since we started this. She told me she has already lost 2 lbs. and my husband is sure that is why I am struggling. He is sure she is trying to make me lose confidence. I don't really agree. I am not sure what it is, and I am not giving anyone the power to make me lose confidence. Whether I win or lose or whether I gain or lose it is all on me. I am choosing to do this and if I give up I will be choosing to do that. So why am I freaking out? Maybe it has to do with the fact that I have been hiding for so long? Huh! Maybe it is as simple as that. Maybe I just don't ever give myself permission to get out there and be myself and try new things. So now I am just feeling a bit uncomfortable with the exposure? Does that make sense??? I guess in that case this could be a really great thing for me. I want to learn how to be out there. I want to be comfortable, so I guess this is a good step. OK, so, that's enough freaking out then. I can be focused........okay I will make an effort anyway :) Blogging has really been helping me. Even when I am not blogging myself I am reading all of the other amazing blogs out there. I am so glad I finally just did it. Hey, I guess starting this blog was a way that I really put myself out there. DUH!!! :) I guess if I am doing this the challenge with my sister should be a piece of cake. Okay, so get on with it already! So many times all I have to do is start typing and I figure something out. I feel like I am rambling again. I am going to make sure to write down everything I eat from now on. I know that I do better when I do this, and it is just silly not to take advantage of all the tools I have. Especially ones that I know work for me. I definitely feel better now. So here is my plan of action:

1) Write down everything I eat
2) CHILL OUT!!!
3) blog, blog, blog

Simple, huh?

Happy Friday everyone :)

P.S. I wrote 'piece of cake' and didn't think 'Hey, I want a piece of cake!' - I am truly amazing...LOL!!!