Loving The Journey

I am feeling fabulous! It is such a great feeling.  So I have been looking at what makes me feel this way. Strangely, it is not the number on the scale.  When I feel really great, it is because I am doing things that I love.
I have been struggling a bit lately and as I was looking back over my posts and reviewing my habits I realized something.  I am happiest and, consequently, lose the most weight, when I fill my days up with things that make me joyful. 
It turns into a cycle of good.  A cycle I definitely want to keep going.
I have been digging into my emotional crap a lot.  And I think that is good.  I believe it is necessary.  But I keep getting so caught up in the work of it that I forget to just be.
This week I have been doing things I love.  I have been reading books that inspire me, I have been listening to my positive thinking c.d., I have been drawing.  And yes, I have been exercising, and enjoying it!!!
I used to fill myself up with food and waste my time on mind numbing activities.  Now as I find myself waking up and stepping away from the food it seems like I have all of this extra space or time to fill up.
I have been taking away so much of my old life and at times I have felt a little scared and started to struggle.  It finally hit me.  Fill up the space with good.  With joy.  With all of the things you love.  Live like you deserve to be happy.  Take the time to do what you love.  Even if it is "silly" or "non-productive". 
I mean, seriously, when I draw what I create doesn't even usually make sense to me.  It may look crazy to others, or seem like a waste of time - but it makes me happy!!!
I think a lot of the time I feel like I deserve to be punished for what I have allowed myself to become.  I am making the journey harder than it has to be.  When I struggle, it seems like that is how it should be and I accept it. 
But what if I don't accept that? 
What if I decide that instead of feeling deprived I want to feel fulfilled? 
That is how I am feeling this week, and guess what - food doesn't feel like such a big deal this week.  Coincidence?  I think not!  I have decided to see what I can fill myself up with, if not food.
I feel fabulous!
I am excited about where I am going, sure.  But today I am loving the journey.  Isn't that exciting?  I am not going to block this feeling off anymore, I feel alive with energy and creativity.
Note to self: Keep it up :)




P.S. I am joining in on Lucy's Blog Hop again this week. I always find a lot of great blogs when I do :)

Gettin' Sexy

Katie at Finding The Thin Within is hosting a 'Gettin' Sexy Challenge' for October.  I have decided to join in on this one.  It is pretty simple, all you have to do is commit to doing something that makes you feel better about yourself for the month of October.  I have decided that I want to commit to listening to my positive thinking c.d. every day.  It is such a simple thing, but I never keep up with it and it always makes me feel great.  So that's it.  You can check out the details for the challenge here:
 

Weigh-In Day + 4.18 lbs

My weight this morning was 188.32 lbs. Which means I have gained 4.18 lbs this week.  That kinda stinks, huh?  I am not going to make excuses or rationalize.  We all know what happened, right?  What I am going to do is make a plan.  And actually stick to it.  I am glad to be working through a lot of my issues, but I want to keep focused on my weight loss efforts as well.

Bye for now,

Forgiveness and Weight Loss

I cannot let go of the past. Actually scratch that. I choose not to let go of the past.  I have done a lot of digging around inside of me. I have made a lot of progress. And I thought that I had moved on. By moved on I mean that I have accepted that what is in my past is done and over with, and that I know it only has as much power over me as I choose to give it.
I have moved on, for the most part. But there are still a few issues that I haven't gotten through or over yet.
I have some anger.
Who doesn't?
But I am tired of carrying it around with me. It is taking away too much of my energy. Energy that would be better spent on positive things, like achieving my goals.
I want to put it down, let it go, and walk away from it. Quickly :)
Most of my anger is directed at two people. One of those people is me and the other one is my mother. I am not even sure if the reasons for my anger are important. I know what it's all about.
I have made some progress.
I know that my mom did the best she could at the time. I also know that just because she didn't love me the way I wanted her to it doesn't mean she didn't love me. I get it. Well, the logical, rational part of me gets it. The emotional, irrational, angry part of me is still acting out like a child and being a sad little girl about it.
For the last little while I have been struggling a bit.
You may have noticed.  
Anyway, as I have been struggling along one word keeps popping up in my mind: forgive!
I have worked through forgiving in the past and it is definitely worth it. It has helped me to move forward and it has released a huge burden from me. I thought I was done, but for some reason I struggle with forgiving my mother and I struggle with forgiving myself.
I have been looking through some of my books and on the internet about this topic and I found a really good article about it here. In this article they give you some steps that can help you through the process.
I am definitely going to get started on this. I feel like it is time. I am ready to forgive and I am ready to move on.
I am sure this is the next step on my journey and I am excited to get this process going. It is like I can actually feel the physical weight of this burden that I am carrying around. I can almost taste the freedom that letting go brings with it.
It doesn't seem like a coincidence to me that I am stalled in my weight loss efforts right now.
This is a key, and I plan to use it. So for a little while I will be working this through and posting about the process.
That's it for today, I think it's a good start. 
If you have any ideas feel free to comment, I appreciate the help.

Bye for now,

Weigh-In Day...

was yesterday, I know :)  I am here today, though, and I am posting my weight, even though I would rather ignore it.  But since I am no longer doing 'my little ostrich act' I am going to post it, deal with it, and move on.  My weight was up to 184.14 lbs.  So I gained .88 lbs last week.  As I type this I am aware that it is such a small number to freak out over.  It's actually pretty silly, I know.  But I am also aware that it isn't the number that freaks me out, it is what I do in my head.  The way I can twist any little setback around and turn it into a huge failure.  How I can turn me into a huge failure.  On the bright side, I am onto that sneaky little sabotager and her tricks are losing their effectiveness.  I see it happening.  I am going to spend more time reading my affirmations, I find it very helpful.  I am also going to just keep going on with the knowledge that I can, and will do this.  I am doing this.  So, anyway, moving on....

Freaking Out!!!

So, I am freaking out a little.  It happens.  Not so much lately, but still sometimes.  I hate it.  The freaking out.  I hate the way I feel right now.  I am all stressed out because tomorrow is weigh in day and I am up a tiny bit.  I watched myself messing up.  It was all Cara-approved screwing up.  I seriously watched myself do it.  So why freak out?  I know this sounds rambly, cause hey - freaking out here!!!  I think I should probably delete this post and ignore the crap swirling around in my head right now, but I figured I would start writing and see what comes up.  When I am not doing so great and my date with the scale is getting closer I sabotage myself.  I guess I have this all or nothing attitude.  Kind of like "hey I already screwed this up, let's see how bad I can make it." - argh!  I am starting to get really tired of it.  Really.  Really.  Tired.  I guess that means I have an issue, huh?  Well duh!  But how do I move past it?  I am really taking a look at my actions, lately.  Not strictly food related stuff, just all of my 'life stuff'.  I can see how I react to things and lately I have been able to stop and observe my emotions before I react.  It has been a huge eye opener.  Kind of like I am not on automatic pilot anymore.  Like I am waking up.  I like it, but still this crappy self-sabotage.  So frustrating!  I think that maybe I want to have a problem.  Who am I if I am not the fat girl?  If I am not invisible anymore?  If I can't hide behind my weight?  Right now I am so tired of all of my excuses.  Like, once again two parts of me are fighting it out.  Sensible, ready-to-be-the-best-possible-me, Cara is tired of waiting around for needy, whiny, always-has to-be-rescued, Cara to get her act together.  Tired of holding her hand and dragging her through all of this crap.  I seriously just want to kick her ass already!  Holy cow, I sound like I have a split personality.  Don't worry, I promise, I am not going to lose it or anything.  I think the anger may be okay.  It feels like I am just having a huge shift happening inside of me right now.  Is it just me?  If anyone is still reading at this point they probably think I am nuts.  I am feeling a bit better now though.  Writing is so helpful.  I guess I just needed to get that out.  Well I am going to head to bed and get a good nights sleep.  I will post my weight tomorrow and move forward.  I am really tired of sitting where I am, spinning my tires.  Something is going to change.  Not sure what yet, but I will figure it out.  On with the journey.  I think the freaking out portion of this post is over :)  Sooooooooooo....

Bye for now,

Sounds Like A Plan

I am doing really well with my exercise plan and that makes me happy. But, I know that I could definitely be doing better with my eating. It isn't really that I have been doing horribly, I am just feeling a bit out of control.  At the end of the day I'm like "Okay, what did I eat today?".  So I am going to get back into journaling. Every. Single. Thing. I. Eat. Seriously!!! I do not know why I continue to make this journey harder than it has to be. Oh wait, yes I do ;) I like to sabotage myself. You may remember, but if not I talked about it here, here, and here too :)  Well in an effort to make this journey as easy as possible I am going to use the tools that I know will work.  And keeping a food journal absolutely works.  I have started today and I already feel better.  I hate the out of control feeling, so I will get rid of it.  Easy, right Cara?  So just do it already :)  I am also planning on attacking that Evil Sugar Monster that is lurking inside of me.  I am not going to do anything drastic like give up sweets forever.  I applaud everyone who has done it, but at this point I just don't want to.  I figure if I am not giving it up forever, than why even bother?  I am just going to cut waaaaaaay back.  I did it before, so I know it can be done.  I started with my drinks last time.  Nothing but water or tea.  I didn't think I could manage when I began, but then it got to the point that I liked it.  My head was clearer, no more headaches, what's not to like?  Plus that is something I can definitely keep up.  I didn't even miss the other, sugary beverages.  After a while, anyway. So step one is keep up my food journal and step two is get drinking, water that is ;)  Two small steps, but I can already feel the momentum building.

Bye for now,