Just A Drama Queen!

I hear birds chirping outside my window right now, and that makes me so happy :) Spring is coming!!! I can feel it.  Yay! 
I am writing because I feel the need.  Who knows what I want to say, I know that there is a lot of stuff going on inside me right now.  I am working through the usual garbage, but I seem to have a block.  I know that when I work my way around it, or over it, or through it that I will feel better.  I just need to work it through.  Soooo here I sit, writing. 
My thoughts are frustrated and disjointed, I hate this feeling.  It is like I am a little disconnected, or something.  I am feeling a little agitated. 
I wonder if maybe the problem is, that there is no problem?  Does that even make any sense?  Things are going really well, when I let them.  I am eating properly-ish ;)  I think I am at the point in the journey where I have to make some serious decisions.  Do I really want to lose any more weight?  Obviously, right?  But what I mean is, do I really want it?  I want to be healthy, I love how great I feel as I lose the weight.  I love that I feel more whole.  I am accepting things about me that I didn't even like to recognize before.  I Love me - I have come a very long way. 
So I am thinking that maybe the problem is this:  I don't have one!  I don't have the urgent need to lose weight now, I know that I am the only thing holding me back.  This journey is only as hard as I choose to make it.  So when the urgency is gone and the excitement, how do I keep going?  Could that be it.  I am just a drama queen at heart and I need the distractions?  Hmmmmm - very possibly. 
I decided when I started this journey that I was going to keep on going "No Matter What!".  Soooooo I won't be quitting, at all, but I am wondering if I am creating a problem because I am used to the turmoil.  Sneaky, sneaky :)  If anyone has made it this far through my jumbled thoughts - What do you think?  It makes sense to me.  I plan to keep writing it out until it all makes sense.  So if you enjoy crazy ramblings and lots (and lots, and lots) of over-analyzing stay tuned!

Bye for now,

Is This A NSV? I Think So, and I Like It :)

I have been having a really hard time finding the words I want to use lately.  I sit down to blog, but nothing comes.  I have a lot of thoughts running through my head and I have a lot of stuff going on , I just can't seem to organize my thoughts into a post.  Things are going well.  I stumbled a bit in my efforts, but I am getting really good at picking myself up and moving forward again.  I am in a pretty good place, food-wise, and I am getting back into the swing of exercising - slowly, but surely :)  I think that it may help to get back into the habit of sitting down and writing.  Just writing whatever comes and letting it all flow.  It will probably be a lot of rambling, but maybe it will help to just let my thoughts loose.  I feel like they are all jumbled and messy right now.  I guess I need to start opening those boxes again ;)  Last night I realized something pretty huge.  I was looking in the mirror and I realized that I liked what I saw!!!  That is huge!  Huger than huge! :)  I don't even have the words to describe what a big deal this is for me.  I realized that for a while now I have been liking what I see, liking who I see.  It may be hard to understand, but before this I really cannot tell you when the last time I liked the reflection in the mirror.  I don't even remember - it has been so long.  I am liking all of me (inside and out) and it feels good.  I am stumbling, I am messing up, I am going slower than I wanted to and I still like me.  This realization is so big, that I feel like I could cry.  It amazes me that I keep thinking I am not doing good enough, and I have had this huge breakthrough.  I almost missed it!  I need to start recognizing how far I really have come.  I started this journey with a number in mind, and I am not there yet - but I have gained something much more valuable.  Love!  It feels so good.  I still want it all :)  The number, the feeling, all of it, but for now - this is amazing!  More than I really ever hoped for.  I didn't even know to hope for it, because I didn't know it was missing before, does that make sense? - See I told you there would be rambling ;)  I am going to get back to basics.  More affirmations, more gratitude, more writing!!!  I am so close to 35 lbs lost I can taste it, 0.1 lbs to go.  I am almost half way to my goal.  I am down to 169.18 lbs as of yesterday!  Half way will be at 167.03 lbs.  I am going to post now, I've run out of steam.

Bye for now,

Weigh-In Day

I am, late as usual, with this post. But better late then never, so here it is :) I did weigh myself on Tuesday and I am down to 171.16 lbs. I will be in the 60's soon - Oh my goodness!!! I am super-seriously excited. I know I am probably putting too much importance on the numbers, but I can't seem to really believe that the scale is still moving down. I just had to get rid of a pair of pants that I wore over six years ago, because they are too big! It feels really good. I feel really good. I plan to exercise more, and I really do plan to post more, but right now I am just happy and doing really well. What more could I want? I am charging batteries for the camera right now and will take my thirty pound loss update pic tonight (finally!!!). I will post it a.s.a.p. I am so glad the weekend is finally here. Hope yours is fabulous :)


Happy Friday,

I'm Making Things Easy For Myself Now

I was searching the net for some "positive affirmations for weight loss" and I decided to check the first site on the list.  I did this mainly because I want to distract myself from the plate of homemade shortbread in the kitchen.  Mmmmmmmmm!!!  Love It! 
Sorry :)  I got a little sidetracked there ;)   
Anyway, I was saying that I clicked on the first site on the list, and I was going to say that I am glad I did.  Two of the affirmations on this list really stuck out to me. 
The first one was: Losing weight is effortless. 
And the second one was: I'm making things easy for myself now. 
Both of these statements really grabbed my attention.  I know that losing weight is effortless.  I have proven it to myself time and again.  What could be easier than losing weight?  You don't have to really do anything to lose weight.  You just have to not do some things ;)  I mean, sure, exercise is important and it will make you feel better.  But mostly you just have to not eat all the cookies, doughnuts, muffins, chips, crackers, etc., etc., etc. 
Losing weight is effortless, it's the job of convincing myself to do it that is hard.
I swear, all of the work I do is internal.  Continuous arguments back and forth.  Except, instead of having an angel and a devil on my shoulders I have fat me and thin me.  Both clever, both indefatigable, both driving me crazy :) 
Which brings me to the next affirmation that is sticking with me: I'm making things easy for myself now.   
This is how it works, for me at least.  I work through my inner turmoil - enter fatty and skinny :), I convince myself to just do it, then I do it, really!!!, usually for a while, ...and the cycle continues. 
But, for today, I am convinced!  I am going to step away from the struggle, for today, and I am going to just do it already!!!  Today I am definitely making things easy for myself.  Yay :)

Here's the whole list of affirmations if you are interested:
I'm on the road to fitness.
I am feeling thinner today.
I'm losing weight now.
I look and feel lighter today.
I'm enjoying how I'm feeling now.
I love the feeling of making progress.
I love the food that makes me thin.
Losing weight is effortless.
I am going to fit into the next size smaller any minute.
I enjoy being healthy.
I'm making things easy for myself now.
My body is getting stronger, slimmer, and healthier every day.
I feel so thin inside, my outer is just about to catch up.

Hope you are having an easy day too,

Weigh-In Day

Hi, just a quick post to say I am maintaining - boring, I know :) I want to get back into posting more, but I guess not today. So I will be back soon-ish to update my weekly weigh-in chart, etc. I am doing really well though, so that is good!

Bye for now,

Weigh-In Day

Hello :) Today is weigh in day and, shockingly, I am here writing my post. My weight this morning is 172.48 lbs. That means I have lost 4.18 lbs this week. I know not to expect this normally, but it was still a nice surprise. Just like Sarah said in a comment to one of my posts "It is amazing how your body can thank you for eating right". Anyway that is it for now. I have a pretty busy day ahead of me and I better get moving. I will be back soon though. I am really happy to be back on track and I plan to keep it going.

Bye for now,

Here's The Story...(part 1)

I really don't know where to start. So I will just write.
I want to put down into words how badly I was doing.  I am definitely using the past tense, because I am over it.  But, if I want to learn from the bad I need to acknowledge it, right? 
I was doing really bad.  I was eating enough to seriously worry me and it was pretty much all junk.  Ugh!  I was eating so much that it hurt and I could feel my body telling me to stop. 
I was stuck.  Deep in self-destructive behaviours. 
I felt overwhelmed and out of control and like I wasn't even the same person. 
I think the scariest part for me was that it (seemingly) came out of nowhere.  It's like I was walking along, doing great, and then I fell in a hole.  Seriously!!!  It was so sudden.  No transition at all.  Scary!  Looking back now I can put my finger on some of the things that were happening and I am sure these things were the beginning of my fall.  But, really, at the time it seemed like I had no control over the things I was doing. 
I don't want to go there again! 
I am glad for this experience though, strange as that may sound.  It showed me a lot of things.  I have really learned from this last misstep and I can't be upset about that. 
One thing that really hit home was the way I felt.  I was eating a lot of sugar, and I felt irritable and headache-y, and really just-plain-miserable.  The reason I say that this hit home is because I realized that I used to feel that way all the time.  Thirty pounds ago this was the way I felt on a day to day basis. 
I thought it was normal!
I didn't even know I was miserable. 
It's funny because as I am writing this I am beginning to tear up.  I feel like I was given the best gift of all for Christmas and it was the gift of perspective. 
I am no longer willing to accept bad things.  I am no longer willing to accept that my body feels weak or worn out or crappy.  I don't have to! 
I am no longer willing to be a slave to sugar.  I didn't even know I was. 
How many times was I cranky and snappish to the people I love because I was being brought down by food, by sugar?!?! 
If I didn't make this misstep I wouldn't know so well that I really am what I eat.  I am so glad that I was able to make this mistake really.  It was scary and it was dark and I seriously thought I may not be able to pull myself out.  But I did!!!  And I think that it was probably the biggest learning experience I have had so far on this journey. 
I have so much more to say, but I think this will be a good start.  I'll be back with more soon.  I really want to dig into those things that I think brought me down and get it all out but that's all for now...

Happy to be back on track,